Four Steps To Don't Worry, Be Happy

Recently, in Singapore for a coaching event, I found myself starting to worry about the trip back. As I wasn’t able to check in online, I would have to wait to reserve my seat until I arrived at the airport and, with claustrophobic visions of being trapped in a middle seat, I found myself becoming quite anxious about the 23-hour flight back to the US. As it turns out, I was assigned an aisle seat and, for the final leg, actually had the whole row to myself. All the worrying turned out to be….unnecessary!

So why do we engage in the negative thought loop that is worry? Part of it is conditioning: we grow up seeing people around us worrying and think it’s the thing to do. Perhaps we think if we “suffer” in advance then whatever we’re worrying about won’t happen. And there is a scientific explanation: “when you’re engaged in the process of worrying, you activate the intellectual part of the brain while suppressing the amygdala, the part responsible for emotions,” says Robert Leahy, Ph. D., author of “The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You.”

But putting a lid on your emotions doesn’t keep them from showing up elsewhere: in the form of muscle tension, indigestion and back pain. And despite the illusion we might have that worrying will lead to a definitive conclusion, it never does – the mind will simply circle endlessly. Moreover, as evidenced in my Singapore example, worrying (without action) is fundamentally a waste of time.

Once it truly clicks that 1) worrying doesn’t make you feel better, 2) it doesn’t affect the result and 3) it’s a waste of time, you can start to re-program yourself. Here are a few ways to become more conscious of when you’re worrying and short-circuit the whole cycle:

Step 1. Ask the right questions. Start with: “Is this situation under my control?” If the answer is “no” – you’re stuck in traffic or the rain clouds are rolling in before your picnic, for example – then, despite what your mind insists, it’s quite pointless to worry. (If your response is, “But I can’t help it!” see the tips below.) If the situation is under your control, then determine the smallest action you can take and do it.

Step 2. Make a list. Sometimes the next action can simply be writing down all the things that are worrying you. Putting it all down on paper will interrupt the thought loop and help you gain perspective. What seemed like a huge mass of anxiety in your head may actually only be three things.

Step 3. Pinpoint your anxiety. Once all your worries are down on paper, narrow down each item as much as possible. If you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming sales presentation, see if you can pinpoint exactly what you’re afraid of: That you’ll forget key points? That the clients will be bored? That telltale moment of asking for the sale? By isolating what’s making you anxious, you can them come up with concrete action items.

Step 4 (optional). Set your watch. All right, let’s say you really just can’t keep from worrying about global warming, axe murderers or whether your remark about your colleague’s haircut sounded catty. A negative thought loop, by definition, will continue endlessly – and often as an unconscious undercurrent that subtly undermines your sense of wellbeing. So, make worrying a conscious activity, allow yourself a set amount of time (10 minutes, say), then scrunch up your face into your best worry expression and do it right.

When time’s up, ask yourself this: If worrying is optional – and it is! – then how much of your precious time and energy do you really want to focus on it?