Grow Old Along With Me: Strategies For A Lasting Relationship

Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
……….God bless our love
John Lennon

Recently, I was reading an article by my friend Dr. Dorree Lynn of Fifty and Furthermore called Celebrating Sixty Years, and I began to reflect on the many couples I have known in my life who after 50 years and counting are still going strong

In particular, I have two sets of friends in California, both in their 70's and 80's, who have been married for at least 55 years. Both couples have been an extraordinary source of inspiration for me in my own marriage of going on 28 years.

Like many couples, there were too many times when it looked like the marriage would not survive. The fights were too intense, the breakdown in communication too strong, the feeling of not being heard or seen too pronounced. The blame game was the predominant weapon of choice.

But in a committed relationship there is a small voice that lives within all of us, that KNOWS that together we will do much better than alone, and we fight for the relationship. At their fiftieth anniversary parties, both couples admitted to the struggle to stay together at certain times, but they stayed, and are happier for it, settling comfortably into their roles as individuals and as couples.

In my own marriage, there were quite a few times when I felt "why bother." He doesn't understand me, and certainly, I can't figure out who he is. We came within inches of saying 'the hell with it', but something inside me has always known that he is my best friend and without him, my life would feel empty. As I write this, I realize how much I love this man, warts and all and it brings up great emotion. We have walked through some intense fires together.

None of us are perfect. We all carry an enormous amount of baggage in one way or another, and no matter how many times you call out 'switch', you will take that baggage with you until you stand still long enough to look at what it is. When we blame our partner for our own shortcomings, it is simply shifting the blame. The blame game is a dangerous one, and it took me a lot of years to figure out that I had no one else to blame but me. I was a willing partner in the game called marriage.

In fact, the blame game is extended out into our whole life. We blame other people for so much of what is wrong with our life and it removes responsibility from our shoulders. It usually involves a refusal to be responsible for your own life.

I deal with change on a constant basis. It is the foundation of everything I am and have become, and it is what I teach. I was most surprised one day when a friend said she didn't want to change because it would mean taking responsibility for her own stuff. It struck me that so many people feel that way and for me, that's the sad part, because we deny so much of ourselves when we do that.

Being in a committed relationship for any length of time means taking responsibility for your own choices and decisions. We may argue, blame and otherwise refuse to accept that, but couples who have been together a long time have usually learned what that means. Sure, there are still times when my husband irritates the hell out of me, but that's not his problem. That's mine.

I no longer blame myself when something is wrong, and I try not to blame him although sometimes I can't help it. We have learned over the years that I can't change him, and he won't change me, but we can respect the other’s position and support each other in a loving manner. I have learned that when something is going on, as a woman, it is not necessarily something I've done, and it's not something I can fix. Occasionally, it's really all about him, and I can leave it at that.

The lessons we learn as a couple are the lessons of life. Of communicating with each other in a truthful manner, of learning how to listen, and of loving from a place of loving ourselves because we've traveled a long road together and shared so much. I created a program called The 10 Secrets To Taking Fear Out Of Your Life, and one of the secrets is this:

Learn how to love yourself and watch others love you more.

There are many gifts we share as we grow old together, but the most precious ones of all are to love, honor and respect who the person is individually. To allow them the freedom to express who they are, and to work out how to live harmoniously together. These are the greatest gifts of all.