How to Have What You REALLY Want

The first step towards a balanced life is to become clear on what it is that you really want. If you’re like most people, you tend to think that what you want is a thing like a house or car, a relationship, a particular job, or—fill in the blank. You may believe if you have the thing(s) you want, any restlessness or inner discomfort you experience will disappear. This belief misuses your time and energy. It holds you back. You can change this.

I know that many men are uncomfortable with the word “feel;” so, it’s understandable if the frequent use of the word here makes men twitch a bit. I use it because it’s the correct word. What may help is if every time the word is used, men think about “gut feeling,” as in “What I feel in my gut is...,” if that works better.

I have a surprise for you. Whatever you think you want, that’s not what you really want.

What you really want is to feel a certain way about yourself and your life, and to be able to maintain that feeling as much as possible; and, if possible, at all times—no matter what you have or don’t have in a certain moment. It’s important you get to a point where you understand why it’s more important to know what you want to feel before you place your attention on what you think you want.

Why do I say, “What you think you want?” Sometimes, what you believe you want is not in your best interest. There may be something even better available to you, something you never considered. I’m not saying don’t have goals and dreams and go for them. Do that. Just stay open to other possibilities so that you don’t limit what you can have. In fact, whether you think about or write down your goals or dreams, add, “This or something even better.”

Remember, what you ultimately want is a particular feeling. If you want to feel more confident and believe attainment of something external will provide confidence, you’re actually impeding your process. The external factor may, indeed, enhance your life, but confidence is, at all times, an inner experience. It’s important to get in touch with your confidence and belief in yourself (or whatever feeling you desire) first—no matter what.

This is why affirmations don’t always work. You can think the thoughts and say the words, but if you feel or think it will never happen, it won’t. What you feel about what you think is what charges up what you attract into your life. This can work for you or against you, so you want to make it work for you. Take the above example about confidence. It’s human nature to be attracted to confident people. They make us feel stronger about ourselves than someone who is insecure does. You’ll pull more of what you intend to you and be better able to move forward in your life if you believe in yourself. Like attracts like.

You experience life at both an inner and outer level. The inner level is about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions, assumptions, etc. The outer level is where you take action based on what was just listed for the inner level. It’s also where you interact—or collide—with the results of the actions you take in the outer and what you believe at the inner level. This is why you must address both levels. You cannot have an action take place in one level without seeing a result or consequence in the other.

If you desire true control over your life—as much as you can have, that is—it is important for you to recognize when you need to focus more attention at the inner level or at the outer level. Whatever you focus attention on is what you get more of. Think that’s wacky? Did you ever wake up and feel it was just not your day? Did things happen that supported your belief? What about days when you woke and believed it was your day? There is one thing both scenarios have in common: You—and what you chose to believe.

Here’s a secret: You can identify what it is you actually focus on by looking at what you attract. If you focus attention on avoidance of or fear of unpleasantness, you’ll attract the people and events that match what you focus on—the unpleasant—and magnetize situations, possibly problems you really don’t want. Conversely, if you focus on feeling as good as you choose, no matter what, you’ll attract people and events that support that, as well. And, yes, I do mean you should strive to do this even when you face challenges and feel a bit (or a lot) anxious. There’s an “art” to this process, and it’s worth the learning curve.

Excerpted from “How to Have What You REALLY Want (An Easy Guide That Can Take You to the Next Level in Any Area of Your Life),” available as paperback or download at www.lulu.com/content/796351.