This column will take a look at the lighter side of a serious subject… role reversal. I hope to provide you with practical information, anecdotes, short stories (yours and mine) and more, on issues related to dealing with the responsibility of raising a “fully grown adult child,” otherwise known as ... A PARENT! Please feel free to submit your questions and topics to RaisingAParent@aol.com.

So you’ve selected a Nursing Home!

I don’t want to dwell on the common sense things to look for when you decide to select a nursing home, like....
· What are their admission requirements?
· Do they accept Medicaid patients?
· Do they have an up to date State license?
· Does the facility meet the State Fire Codes?
· Do they have an evacuation plan?
· How do they handle medical emergencies?
· What type of rehabilitation do they provide?

You can read a million books, brochures, or articles on those issues. What I want to look at in this column, are the things that really matter when it comes to you and your parent accepting life in a nursing home.

Question:
My mother recently entered a nursing home and the clothes I sent her with seem to be disappearing on a daily basis. To make matters worse, I keep finding someone else’s things in the closet. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer:
This is a very common problem. It’s not that her clothes are being stolen, it’s just that keeping track of everyone’s laundry is a huge job. Think how hard it is to keep track of a pair of socks in our own dryers! First thing you must do is sew name labels into all clothing. Pretend it’s like “sleep- away” camp. This gives each garment a fighting chance to find its way back from the laundry room, to the rightful owner, at least a few times… before it ends up in someone else’s closet. If you don’t do that, one day you’ll open the closet and there will be an assortment of wire hangers and clothes that are 4 sizes too small for your loved one, and certainly nothing anyone would ever be able to dress then in. If you don’t physically remove these unfamiliar items from the closet, trust me…no one else will either. If left alone, the entire selection of clothes will be unrecognizable to you and the nurses will be asking you to bring in more clothes. Have faith, either way you choose to weed out these undesirable garments, it will only take another 3 months for this cycle to repeat itself.

Question:
My father is in a nursing home and it seems like almost all the residents wear bibs and diapers? Is that standard practice?

Answer:
It doesn’t take too long after you arrive at “sleep away camp” to realize that everyone starts out in life and ends up the same way… in bibs and diapers. The only difference between a nursery and a nursing home is, there are no incubators or pacifiers! In a nursing home, no matter which one you choose, there will always be a shortage of nursing staff. Nursing homes can’t take a chance that even if the patient isn’t automatically declared “incontinent,” that there will be someone available to assist them with using the bathroom. The minute you’re checked in, your room is stocked with adult diapers. And, even if they do call them “clothing protectors,” a bib, by any other name, is still a bib!

Unfortunately, most elderly patients think they need to use the bathroom, far more times than is actually necessary, and historically they’ve ruined it for the others. Crying wolf about needing to go to the bathroom has cleared the way for all other residents to be put into diapers. It’s just a fact of living in a nursing home. There isn’t enough staff to escort residents to the bathroom, especially for a false alarm. The only ones who get away with “no diapers” are the lucky ones who are still mobile, and can fend for themselves in the bathroom … but, that won’t get them off the hook on the issue of bibs!

Question:
Are there restrictions on the visiting hours in a home?

Answer
The answer to that question is clearly, I hope not! In selecting a home for my mother, my son and I checked out “several” homes, before finding one that met our overall criteria...a home that he and I would be willing to live in ourselves…we visited at all hours of the day and night!

Two o’clock in the morning… to see who was sleeping on the job. Six o’clock in the morning… to see how it smelled before the cleaning crew arrived. During feeding time, activity time, changing of shifts. Whenever it was most likely that staff would ignore the residents, because families were not around…we showed up for inspection! You want to make sure that there are no restrictions on when you can visit. If there were, then I would just keep walking!

Question:
Are there restrictions on who can visit?

Answer:
This question should really be, “Are there restrictions on what can visit?”
It is fascinating…I have seen all sorts of animals brought into the homes to visit patients. I’ve seen everything from a bird to a pot bellied pig on a leash. And it was well mannered at that! Everyone loves to have the animals visit. If your parent had a pet, try to bring it for regular visits. If you have a pet and you bring it, take a few minutes to walk it around to the other residents. The smiles that a pet can bring to even the most “non-alert” resident will be well worth your time.

The same goes for children. Children bring incredible joy to a nursing home. If you bring a child to visit your parent, stop by and spread some cheer to the parent of someone else. My mother has crayoned drawings and cut out hearts and flowers all around her room from the grandchildren of other residents. They come in to kiss her, sit and chat with her, and then write her notes to put on her closet door. Borrow a pet or a child if you have to…the reaction is fabulous!

A suggestion… if you feel stressed when visiting your parent, but notice how nice it is to visit someone else’s…try switching. Make a deal with another visitor to switch parents occasionally. It works! Also, if you notice a resident who doesn’t get visitors…go visit them. Take your parent along, and chat with the two of them

Author's Bio: 

About the Author:

Jill Interland Press spent the first 29 years of her life in New York, before moving to Florida. After 22 years of buying ladies apparel for major department stores, and owning her own clothing store, she became a public administrator and describes herself as a “retailer turned bureaucrat.” She is a veteran on the subject of “Role Reversal,” serving her entire adult life as the “parent” to her own mother, and watching all of her friends do the same. The last ten years, since her mother suffered a massive stroke, she has spent interacting with other adult children who have also moved into the last phase of parenting. She has conducted extensive research and investigative interviews with adult children from around the world. In addition to her writing, she serves on the Board of “Next Generation,” at the Miami Jewish Home and Hospital for the Aged. Contact the author at RaisingAParent@aol.com