Keeping the Romance through Serious Illness

How do you preserve the romance of your relationship through serious illness? That is a question we hope never to answer, and it presents a huge challenge to a relationship. My husband, Skip, had a very serious stroke in 2006 – we had only been married for two years. Luckily, Skip got a place in a rehab hospital right away (G.F. Strong, Vancouver, BC) and he began a very tough road to recovery.

Nearly three years later Skip is working on the farm and continues with his rehab program. The stroke also “fried” emotional circuits in Skip’s head. Filters that we take for granted don’t work anymore. The filters that help us assess things around us, including situations or things people say or do, were damaged. Most of these things will repair or re-build in time.

Time is a wonderful healer, as is work, laughter and some very clever doctors and therapists. Through all the trials it has been a challenge to even remember the romance in our life, never mind nurture it. His feelings of inadequacy coupled with his emotional confusion weigh heavily on him. My feelings of being overwhelmed and needing to be strong for him also get in the way.

Feelings of fear: fear that they may not recover; fear that they will be different; fear that their spouse will leave them; fear that they will be “less” of the man/woman they were; and there are more, I’m sure, all weigh on the sick or injured party. Fear will lead to anger – with themselves, their spouse, the doctors, the “cause” of their problem or the events leading up to it. Grief is also part of this picture – grief over their losses, real and perceived or anticipated. Unfortunately, the safest place to express your feelings is often to your spouse.

Even if you are feeling angry at your spouse or partner, remember that they are your support system and it could be that when the feelings of anger pass you will see things differently – in fact, assume that you will. This has probably been the most valuable piece of advice Skip was given and has helped us immensely to preserve the romance through illness.
It can be helpful, however, to express the feelings you are having about yourself and your changing role, fears about recovery and fears about preserving the relationship. It will not help to dwell on these things continually, expecting your spouse to reassure you constantly. It is important to express it and then let it go and go on to thinking about recovery, future, and how to use the changes to strengthen your relationship.

Talking with your spouse in a positive way will help both parties to heal. When two people pull together through adversity the strength grows and the relationship becomes deeper and more solid. Just remember that although you may be the ill or injured one, your spouse has their own issues to deal with – they are also an ill or injured party because they are part of you, they share your life, and their lives will change now as well.

From the point of view of the spouse:

One moment you have a loving relationship with a spouse that you rely on. The next moment illness or injury robs you. Since you are not the ill or injured one you are expected to be strong, to take care of “business” and also to care for your spouse. You need to see to the needs of your family members, home and job responsibilities. When Skip had his stroke I not only had 30 horses and three calves to look after in terrible winter conditions (with help from many caring, generous people) but we had a litter of puppies to see to several times a day as well. As the spouse you worry about the future.

There are a lot of support groups out there, both for the person with the illness or injury and for the spouse. Search online or ask the doctors for referrals or information. If at first you don’t find anything, keep trying!

It takes time to adjust to the “new” situation, to gain confidence and to get over the sudden and dramatic life change that no one is really prepared for. Share some of your feelings here as well, remembering to be factual and non-judgmental and not overwhelm your spouse. Another very wise doctor gave us a valuable communication tool; he said when you see that your spouse seems to be depressed or angry it helps to say to them, “You look like you are angry”. That strategy helped Skip to identify what he really was feeling and helped me to communicate what I was seeing.

Some Solutions:

We touched on support groups; I would highly recommend searching them out. Also, when feelings of anger, frustration, fear arise think of the relationship as an entity unto itself that must be preserved. Look at old pictures of happier times and reminisce, remembering why it is you fell in love in the first place.

Search out help if things aren’t going the way you think they should. Help may be a doctor or therapist, it may be a religious adviser, or it may be a trusted friend or family member.

When someone is in recovery they need to focus on that; there are ups and down, progress and relapse and a time for healing and changing. Give it the time it needs, maybe go away for a holiday or a weekend once in a while, and you will find a stronger relationship for it.

Whatever your illness or injuries you can make it through with love, patience, effective communication and time. Remember to say less rather than more as the picture changes continually through the healing and rehabilitation process.

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