Reader Q & A

Q. I love your newsletters. I read most of them and anything that I miss my friend tells me about... but I don't recall any information on how to tell the wrong person it's not working when you've discovered Ms. Right isn't so right. -- Cameron

A. Dear Cameron,
There are no specific words. Center in your heart, speak with kindness, leave the person whole. Especially so if there has been hurt in the relationship. If the person is willing to have a heart to heart, clear the air conversation, great. If not, don't force them to listen to why you are leaving. Read newsletters #51 & HII at www.WhatItTakes.com for more help.

Q. I am excited about your site and I have learnt a lot. I have a question to ask. I was in a relationship with Joe, whom I really loved, and it lasted for about 3 months. Later I entered into another relationship with someone else, but it did not work out.

Now Joe is staging a come back. He calls me most of the time asking me out, at times calls to tell me he wants to talk, but eventually does not show up. Then he calls again with apologies only not to show up again.

Now he has come to ask me to marry him! Yes, I still love him, but I don't know what to expect, how am I sure he won't go off again. I am not ready to bear such in marriage. I love him very much, somewhere deep in my heart I want to marry him, but.... I don't know. -- Lilian

A. Dear Lilian,

Good for you for questioning what kind of husband Joe will make! Many women (and men) want to be married so badly that they would rather jump into a bad marriage than have no marriage or relationship.

Now for your question - people are who they are. People show you who they are by their behavior. Watch the behavior much more than listening to their words.

Has Joe behaved like the kind of man you want to marry? If not, tell him that. Tell him exactly the kind of man you want to marry, and then watch what he does with the information. If he changes his behavior, watch him for a good long time to make sure it sticks.

And remember, no amount of love for him will be enough when you are alone for days at a time wondering where he is.

Q. I am in love with a friend who does not seem to return my feelings. However, it seems like there are some feelings or something between us. I am just not quite sure what. -- TB

A. Dear TB,

People do what they want to do. If your friend was interested in a romantic relationship with you, you would without a doubt know it.

There may be something between the two of you. Unfortunately, I don't think it's strong enough for him to take action.

I believe your best bet is to turn your romantic interest elsewhere, or you run the risk of unrequited love.

Q. One of the things that you have said in your past newsletters has really struck a nerve with me. It was "If you feel empty right now, you'll probably feel more empty when you get into a relationship."

I've been feeling really hurt because my wife left me. She cheated on me with three different men. Knowing this really damaged my self-esteem. I've been separated for about 7 months now.

How can I recover from such a blow? I don't want her back, I just feel very hurt over what happened. Am I taking too long to get over it? How can I get over it quicker?

A. Hi there.

The best way to repair the damage to your self esteem is to look at what you contributed to the situation and what you knew and did not pay attention to. This is not about putting the blame on you, but taking responsibility for what happened in your life.

One of the reasons it's taking you so long to get over what happened is because you feel victimized. Taking responsibility for your part of what happened will restore your sense of power over your life, and will make you feel a whole lot better!

Q. I subscribe to your newsletter and find it very helpful. I have a query. I have heard it said that it's important to have ample boundaries. Can you tell me why?

What happens when one person in the relationship continually wants to overstep the other person’s boundaries because they don't have the same boundaries on sexual monogamy? Is it best for the partner who does not have an issue with it to be honest about their actions or not -- knowing full well if they tell their partner it will hurt them? -- Joanne

A. Joanne,

Take a plastic cup and fill it with water. The water stays in, within the boundaries of the cup. Now punch some holes in the cup. The water leaks out, eventually leaving the cup empty. You are that cup, and the water is your energy. If you have no boundaries or let others punch holes in your boundaries, eventually you will feel empty too -- not good enough, unlovable, dependent, etc.

Sexual fidelity boundaries are critical in particular, because they deal with the safety of intimacy.

What I hear you asking is how to stop your partner from being intimate with others, and whether it is best for you to know he is intimate with others or not. My answer, unfortunately, is it is best for you to not be in a sexual relationship with a man who does not share your desire for monogamy. Continuing with the status quo will drain your self esteem.

Q. I really enjoy your website and newsletters, and even had the privilege of a brief phone session with you that was very beneficial. Thank you for your time, and for the great lessons!

I wondered if you would address the issue of perfectionism in a newsletter? I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels I'm not ready for a relationship until I can offer the best of myself, especially physically. -- Amy

A. Dear Amy,

First, please go to www.WhatItTakes.com and read newsletter #59, titled BodyImageItis. You are clearly not the only one who feels your body has to fit a certain standard of perfection before you can be in a relationship.

Let me answer your question with a question: Would you want to be in a relationship with a man who values your looks or body that much?

If your answer is yes, then perhaps you are right -- you are not ready for such a relationship until you have the perfect body. If your answer is no, simply connect with men who value looks less than they value character and personality.

This article was originally written by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries and published in The Relationship Coach Newsletter, which is a weekly e-mail publication for people who want to create fulfilling relationships. The newsletter contains tips, ideas and distinctions to help you understand and transform your relationships. If you are single, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you are in a relationship, it will help you to create much more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to http://www.WhatItTakes.com