Healthy Boundaries for a Healthy Living Experience

Boundaries are subjective lines you draw that help you establish, to yourself and others, to what extent you are choosing to accept or reject behaviors, attitudes, thoughts and beliefs. Their creations are largely based on your life experiences, values, beliefs and morals. Boundaries express your limits and may also protect you as you go about your living experience.

Boundaries can and sometimes need to be changed or modified. A lack of boundaries, or unhealthy boundaries take you to undesirable outcomes that result in you allowing yourself to be overworked, underpaid, abused, belittled, etc., and/or to do the same to others. Boundaries are a reflection of your personal worth and value, as well as the worth and value you place on things outside yourself.

A boundary needs to be placed or made stronger whenever you find yourself feeling:

• Disempowered
• Overstressed
• Stretched too thin
• Under valued
• Unworthy
• Like you're going against your better judgment
• Unappreciated
• Belittled
• Humiliated
• Afraid
• Taken for granted
• Like you have no choice
• Stuck in an unwanted situation
• Great internal resistance
• Like anyone can do anything to you
• Like you can do anything to anyone
• The need to override your own morals and values for someone or something else

Boundaries especially need to be placed when you allow others to run or control your life or you feel you can run or control the lives of others.

"Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one's liberty."

Henri Frederic Amiel

Establishing new boundaries where there were none or simply strengthening an existing boundary takes courage, support from others, and some role playing.

Courage will be necessary in order to stay the course. People don’t normally like to experience changes in those around them since it means they too must change. Most people are resistant to change and setting a new and healthy boundary means you have changed for the better. Consider the following example for resistance to change:

• A man goes into the same coffee shop day after day and orders a cup of coffee and toast for breakfast. A short period of time thereafter, the waitress doesn't even take his order. She simply places a cup of coffee as he arrives and soon after brings his toast. A couple of weeks go by and after the waitress brings the man a cup of coffee and an order of toast, he calls her back and says, "I don't want coffee. I would like a cup of hot tea and an English muffin." To his surprise she angrily exclaims, "You don't drink tea, you drink coffee! You have never had tea, only coffee. You are a coffee drinker"

Can you imagine what your loved ones; co-workers or boss, would say if suddenly you arrived from the hairstylist with your hair in a totally different length, color or style? More so, imagine what they would say if suddenly you arrived home or to work with a new and healthy set of boundaries.

We all have a tendency to stay stuck in the same old mold day after day. Change causes a fear of the unknown to many, especially to those closest to us.

You can establish a new boundary by simply saying, “As of today I will or I will no longer …” Say it firmly and authoritatively, and mean it. After setting a new boundary, stick to it and back it up. In other words walk the talk. You must congruently and consistently commit to your own boundaries if you ever expect others to respect them.

Setting boundaries is a matter of choice and necessity. You don’t need to give endless explanations to justify your newly established boundary(s), just a clear and direct one. Boundaries are beliefs you hold to be true about yourself, and like beliefs, your boundaries can change and get stronger. They define who you are.

Before setting a new boundary make sure you have thought it out. Talk about your situation or concerns with others you trust and respect, and know have solid and healthy boundaries. There are support groups, your peers, counselors, and religious leaders, even those involved in legal or protective services, that can all help and support you along the way. You don’t need to do it alone.

Role playing also helps in building the strength and courage to move forward with newly established boundaries. Enter a meditative state and imagine yourself, within the appropriate context, expressing to other(s) what is or is not acceptable to you in respect to behaviors, criticism, beliefs, etc., or to what extent you are willing to undertake a project or work assignment. Once stated, imagine a smooth acceptance of what you have expressed. Follow that by imagining yourself in the future as stronger, more in control of yourself and your life, happier, and above all healthier. Finally, imagine positive benefits in all areas for you and all concerned.

Healthy boundaries provide the insurance you need for you to get from where you are to where you want to be safely and in a healthy manner.

Laura Silva Quesada
www.MindBiz.com