Real Love vs. Romance: Why Settle For Crumbs?

Romantic love is a modern invention, a myth born of Dependency and Need. It did not exist in prehistoric times because the predominantly matriarchal societies that existed then didn't make women dependent. They didn't restrict women's wealth-producing activities or confiscate their rightful inheritance. They didn't teach women to need a man's approval because they had the Goddess's. They loved themselves as the Goddess loved them—listening to their feelings, honoring their desires and fulfilling their needs. Women then looked to men to share their love and joy, not to "find" it.

No young girl was ever taught to spend her days dreaming of finding a one-and-only "true love." Such an idea would have been silly indeed, for she already knew True Love. She was the beloved daughter of the Goddess. She could feel the Goddess' Love coursing through her, energizing her, giving her the blessed joy of experiencing life in a physical body. All she need do to increase her joy was to share it with those who pleased her.

Women then needed joy and fulfillment in their lives, just as women now do. But women then were taught that they would find it within themselves—in the activities, pursuits and pleasures that they enjoyed. Their modern sisters, raised in patriarchal cultures, have been taught to look to a man for fulfillment instead of to themselves. They're taught to not notice what they desire and long for, to disregard what is important to them. Self-sacrifice in the service of others is applauded.

But women in early matriarchal societies created their own joy and fulfillment by filling their lives full of the things and activities they loved. They didn't look for a man to fulfill them; they knew there'd be men aplenty who'd see their Joy and come running to share it.

Romance is a fantasy designed to make women obey Man's wishes in hopes of gaining his approval. And, she is taught to hope, if she pleases him well enough, then he will "love" her enough to feed and support her, and protect her from the ravages of other men. All in return for conjugal "rights," of course.

Romance is a delusion invented by men to gain the compliance of those they want to serve them. Romance may provide an intoxicating respite from a bleak life of servitude, anxiety and denigration, but it is not Real. And it is not Love.

But why do machismo enthusiasts, even today, want women to be so financially subservient, so economically dependent? It is, after all, a burden to be someone's sole support. Why have patriarchal societies in every era placed the highest priority on limiting a woman's ability to control her own money? Why? Because if she has money, she has the means to leave. And no man wants to lose his "possessions," much less his cook, maid and ready supply of sex. Men need sex. And they discovered long ago that the most reliable way of assuring themselves of a steady supply was to take women from their clans and make them dependent upon men for food and survival. How then, could she leave?

It has been said that in patriarchal cultures, every woman is a prostitute, forced to trade her body for food and shelter. Until relatively recent times, her only choice was to make her trade with one man and be called a wife, or to trade with several and be called a whore. But even those who were made "honorable" women by being granted the title of Wife still needed something to distract themselves from their pain. Romance offered that distraction—and still does.

Romance offers hope. It is a hope needed by those who look to others for the love they've been taught to believe they're not worthy of giving themselves. It is a hope needed by those who learn in the cradle that they are a disappointment, are unwanted, unlovable, and somehow not as good or important as a boy. It's a hope needed by those who are empty inside, who need someone else to give them the love they refuse to give themselves.

And so they hope that if they try very, very hard to be what others say they "should," then someday, somehow, someone will finally deem them worthy of being loved. But romance is not Love. It is Need. It is not Joy, but only a brief distraction from depression and pain.

Real Love isn't possible in the presence of dependence, subordination or fear. Real Love is known by the Acceptance and Comfort one feels in its presence, for what is Love but the total acceptance of who and what we are? But romance is not Love. It is Need. It is not joy, but only a brief distraction from depression and pain.

Romance can be known by its excitement. And excitement always contains an element of fear: the gut-level awareness that one is in danger of losing something here. When anxiety of any kind is felt, you can be certain that you are not in the presence of one who truly loves you.

No, romance isn't Love, but it does encourage submission and obedience in women who've been taught to seek men's approval. And for that, men keep the charade going.

But you don't have to be duped. Pause for a moment to check in with your feelings. Use your feminine intuition to recognize whether you're feeling Acceptance or Anxiety. And, while waiting for the Real Thing, pass the time by giving yourself what you wanted from him.