Relationship Conflict: 3 Common Traps To Avoid When You Argue

I've yet to meet a couple that never argues. Maybe the conflict-free couple exists somewhere, but our paths haven't crossed.

Even the most highly compatible couples get into spats now and then. Let's face it, with all the similarities you share with your partner or spouse, there are differences. And variety is part of what makes life so interesting. However, the very same differences you celebrate on some days can lead to friction, frustration and even conflict on others.

Before you bemoan the fact that arguments are inevitable, realize that an argument can be beneficial to your marriage or relationship and can ultimately forge a more intimate connection between you and your partner. A fight with your mate is an opportunity to release pent-up feelings, to express what's important to you, and ultimately to help you and your partner achieve a better understanding of each other's needs and wishes. And sometimes an argument even serves as the overdue wake-up call that something needs to change for your marriage or relationship to continue to grow.

Unfortunately, arguments can also work against intimacy. This is in large part due to the way in which couples argue. In order to be an effective communicator, it is important to know how to deal with conflict--in particular, what to avoid.

3 traps to avoid when you argue:

1. You and your partner stop listening to each other.

Arguments often occur because a need has gone unmet--maybe your partner isn't listening to an important message you've been trying to relay. Arguments inherently involve poor listening. You feel justified in your position and feel your partner is somehow wrong. So you try to convince him/her that you're right. While doing so, you stop listening to your partner's point of view, which only fuels the argument.

Solution: Here's one sure-fire way to stop a good argument dead in its tracks: demonstrate to your partner that you are listening and taking his/her opinions seriously. Find some grain of truth in what your partner is saying and agree with that particular part of his/her message. Before you know it, the argument will begin to transform into a conversation.

2. You and your partner continue an argument while emotions run high.

Intense feelings have a way of short-circuiting your ability to think and speak clearly. When we're dealing with intense emotion, we're usually not especially rational. We feel justified in our arguments and initially our mild indignation helps us assert our opinions. But when our feelings go from mild to wild, we lose perspective. The points we're trying to communicate get lost and the listener feels attacked and becomes defensive in the face of our extreme feelings.

Solution: Make a deal with you partner to take a time-out whenever feelings get beyond a certain level. Rate you feelings on a scale from 0 (low intensity) to 10 (high intensity). When you (or your partner) rate your feelings at a 7 or 8, agree to take a break and come back to the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. Note: it's important to agree to this time-out approach when you're not fighting, because it's difficult or impossible to incorporate something new in the middle of a knock-down, drag-out fight.

3. Straying from the primary topic.

During a fight it's easy to get pulled in ten different directions. You feel your partner is being unreasonable, so you pull out all the stops and dredge up unresolved issues to hammer home your points. Your partner does the same thing and before you know it, an argument about forgetting to feed the cat jumps to complaints about your partner's overall forgetfulness, to a counterattack about you missing a doctor’s appointment, to one of you accusing the other of never caring about his/her needs. Jumping from issue to issue is never a good idea--it only perpetuates cycles of defensiveness and counterattack.

Solution: Make the conscious decision to stay on task. If your partner confronts you about something, rather than saying, “Well, the other day you were supposed to do the laundry and you forgot,” bite your tongue and stay focused on the topic at hand. If your partner brings up a different issue, acknowledge it, tell him/her you're open to discussing it later, but in this moment you'd like to address the issue you've brought up. You may feel justified in the “eye for an eye” mindset in those moments, but your relationship will only suffer if you argue in that manner.

Avoiding these common mistakes takes conscious effort, but the payoff for your relationship is well worth it. Continue to practice and don't get discouraged if you find yourself falling back into these common traps. Give yourself a gentle reminder to avoid these pitfalls during the next argument, or the one after that...

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