Revving Up Flat-Lined Relationships

Even the best of us experience the doldrums now and then in our relationships with our spouses or significant others. This article identifies some contributory causes or factors for these lapses along with providing suggestions for reframing the love you feel for your mate.

Have you ever come to a standstill in your relationship with your spouse or significant other? I imagine that most of us have found ourselves in a place of “emptiness” - still in love but victims of familiarity and “comfort” in our relationships. This is a place in which both men and women can inexplicably find themselves -- and this place can be revisited many times within the life of a relationship.

Often when my wife and I go out for dinner, we see a couple also “enjoying” having dinner. What I observe often brings me great sadness. We have seen couples go through their entire meal without talking to each other. I have even noticed some couples completely avoid eye contact with each other! This may seem like an extreme example, but I see it, regretfully, with too much regularity.

Let’s examine reasons for the mundane periods that crop up in relationships, and then follow up with some suggested actions for ensuring your mate that you still feel deeply passionate about them.

One of the main reasons we fall into these “flat line periods” in our relationships is that we allow ourselves to be consumed by the myriad of demands that “life” places on our time and attention. Society can place huge, often unrealistic, expectations on both sexes. We can fall into the trap and place these expectations on ourselves and on each other.

As a male, pressure to be a bread-winner, landscaper, little league coach and super-dad can sweep over us, taking our focus off what truly matters. As a female, these same gender-tied responsibilities can consume your attention, not to mention your physical and mental energy. At the end of the day, falling into bed may be the most enjoyable part of the day!

Recognizing that, and not suggesting that these responsibilities and realities should be ignored or short-changed, I contend that the most important things in life are our relationships with our partners. I submit that they are also hard. We must take great care to nurture and preserve our most intimate relationships – the relationships with our significant others.

So how can we keep the mad, mad world from robbing us of a truly meaningful relationship with our mate?

First, change the scenery. Just like the old saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” being surrounded by the same four walls day in and day out can bring about mental and emotional complacency. Take day or weekend trips to agreeable destinations. Book a couple of nights at the hotel where you spent your honeymoon. Make plans to take in all the to-do’s that a city offers – even if it’s your own city. These are suggestions that level the playing field - that both of you can enjoy equally.

If getting away is not possible, at least get out of the house. My wife and I created Date Night, which we celebrate each Friday night in recognition of our having made it through yet another work week. Starting with a meal, we make it a habit to sit on the same side of the restaurant booth! Other ideas are taking dancing lessons or visiting the planetarium – the point is to just get away from the surroundings that are so familiar. Shake things up even just a little bit but on a regular basis.

Laugh. There is evidence to support laughter actually being good for you. Laugh at yourself, and laugh WITH each other. Doing so can take away the stress and tension that daily life can bring. Besides, everyone looks their best when smiling or laughing.

Reminisce. Together, fondly recall milestone moments like how you met, first dates or your wedding day. Happy times from the past can have great and positive effects on your relationship today. The history you have together is a powerful bond.

Develop new rituals while continuing to celebrate the old ones. Activities such as decorating the Christmas tree together or working at a soup kitchen during the holidays can bring you closer together. And there’s always Date Night! And don’t forget “little” things like leaving an intimate note or a favorite candy bar in your loved one’s pocket to be found unexpectedly.

Talk. Ask your mate to share his or her deepest feelings, needs and desires with you. Make them feel safe in doing this and it will create a powerful bond between you.

Try some or all of the above and enjoy your relationship more than ever!