The Shifting Sands of the Self

Once upon a time things felt solid, sure, certain. . . Oh wait a minute, that's a story I'm working on. Ah . . . the story! We do get caught up in it.

The truth is that my life has always been cycles of change, chaos and high powered energy. There's always been a clarion call to something grander, deeper, more. For a while there I managed to subdue it with sensations of the varied kind - didn't matter if it was a relationship, sex, drugs, alcohol, a job, or the need to be a super-mom. You get my drift, right? I kept BUSY. Yet the MORE I had, the emptier I felt. It seemed like I was missing an essential ingredient. Something was off and no matter how many things I tried to fill the void, it didn't work.

But life is a delicious, if sometimes frantic adventure, especially when you're searching for the 'way'. The more I sought to find myself through things and people, the more it eluded me. I was always trying to fix, heal, make better. Let's see . . . how many things did I try - making money, chasing success, owning my own business, finding religion, healing the wounded me, embracing the metaphysical me, exploring healing schools and systems, and exploring various schools of spirituality. Now this is not the definitive list - there are the countless workshops, seminars, retreats, walls of books, tapes and cards and also a summer in India with a Zen master.

The journey followed a landscape that was characterized by lack - something, somewhere out there was going to make it better. After countless years of chasing down the 'why am I like this and how can I change it', I found it didn't make one bit of difference. Why was not the most powerful question I could ask myself. The past - the story - was like a multidimensional maze of cobwebs and dust storms. If I could only see the road in front of me I'd be fine. But the road wasn't in front of me it was within me and slowly I allowed myself to swim with the tides of change. I lingered as I found my form in the shifting sands of the self and steadily started to get glimpses of my essence. There it was - the part of me that's the thru line, the rhythmic beat of life pulsing, beating . . . here and now.

Imagine my surprise when gradually, very Dorothy-like I realized I'd had the answer all along sitting right within my own heart. So much depended on the eyes with which I chose to see the world. If I looked through my wounded glasses I most certainly found evidence of it everywhere. When I looked through the eyes of my heart the world was a wondrous journey. There were endless opportunities to expand, explore and relish the juiciness of who I am and joyfully dance WITH life.

You are on a quest for authentic power. You cannot give up this quest. Your only choice is whether you wish to have the quest consciously or unconsciously. Gary Zukav

So Who Am I Now? I am who I choose to see. I am who I choose to feel. I am who I choose to BE. It's so simple, isn't it? So simple that the majesty of it escapes us. What does it take to be this way? It takes full engagement, full awareness, full consciousness. It means being awake even when it would be easier to be asleep. It means taking responsibility for my life and the world that I see. And yes . . . I create the world I see with my every thought, my every word and my every deed. I get to choose the quality of my experiences, relationships and the scope of my world.

This moment deserves your full attention, for it will not pass your way again.
Dan Millman

The really good news is that you can always choose again. The past is gone, the future is uncertain. The only moment where you can choose is NOW. Your power to choose is in the present. Choose again - choose life, choose love, choose YOU.

© 2005 Adela Rubio