Dear Friends,

It occurs to me that, just as the vitamins and minerals keep skin clear, cells alert, and body systems running smoothly, relationships need regular doses of hope, joy, love, compassion, courage, wisdom, faith - “spiritual nutrients” - to help keep them strong.

For our bodies, we get vitamins from food, the sun, and supplements. How can we assure that our relationships are getting at least a minimum daily requirement of what they need to thrive? Healthy doses can be delivered through 12 simple, common-sense efforts (these are from my book, The Twelve Gifts in Marriage.)

Look for what is good in each other.
Respect one another’s differences.
Make time each day for moments of play.
Everyday, be grateful for something.
Show that you care when you come and go.
Touch tenderly, speak kindly, and listen with attention.
Be quick to say “I’m sorry” as well as “I forgive.”
Choose to love even when you feel unloving.
Let sorrows bring you closer together.
Let troubles strengthen your commitment.
Renew your dreams.
And share your love with others.

Simple? Yes; but not always easy. Let’s consider a few of them.

Look for what is good in each other. This practice delivers doses of love and compassion. It’s fairly easy in the honeymoon stage but how do we do that when that stage is over and we begin to see things that annoy us? And that is bound to happen. Our spouse isn’t perfect. Nor are we. He leaves dirty socks on the floor. We don’t close drawers. These are mild irritants. There are sure to be others. Basically, it comes down to this: seek and you shall find. If we continue to look for what we admire in our spouse, we will see good qualities and good qualities will be reflected back to us.

Like magnesium and calcium, the second practice is closely related to the first. Respect one another’s differences. Opposites attract. The more time we spend together, the more pronounced differences become. Eventually they cause conflict, which is inevitable. But, conflict can be a source of growth when we stay connected and respect differences.

I recently failed to do this. My husband, Frank, had become deeply involved in politics. I told him I respected his wanting to make a difference, which I did. But at the same time, I frequently expressed disdain for politics when I saw it at its worst. I may not choose to get involved but I realized that I needed to respect his doing so. When I replaced judgment with respect and acceptance, our relationship strengthened. Differences can stimulate growth and help keep us in balance. Often when I get nervous about a challenge we are facing, my husband will say, “Let’s try to see this as an adventure.” When we are looking for what is good in each other and we likely to respect differences and benefit from them.

Make time each day for moments of play. Marriages need joy! Laughter is good medicine for relationships as well as for bodies. When did you last laugh together? Did I hear you say, “Ha! How can we make time for play when we we’re not even having dinner together most nights?” Consider scheduling a date each week, even if it is just a movie and popcorn night at home. Hike, bowl, walk the dog, visit a museum, meet at a new place for coffee. Frank and I recently started “dating” again to bring more fun into our busy lives. Our first date was a trip to Florence. Not Florence, Italy; Florence, Arizona, a nearby community. Strolling around the quaint, historic town worked wonders, reconnecting us with the best of our past 36 years together.

Playfulness is more likely to happen in the midst of our routines when we are practicing some or all of these. Sometimes my husband and I practice these very well. But there are times when, unfortunately, we don’t. One pitfall for us is that when things are going well, we tend to take our relationship for granted. We get caught up in the busyness of life and then our relationship suffers.

Marriage therapist, and dear friend of mine, Diana Baysinger agrees that acting upon these 12 principles can keep healthy marriages strong and help hurting marriages heal.

“The marriage relationship is like the growth and development of a human being,” she says. “It is an entity that grows and develops with time and life experience in the coupleship. It is fed or starved by the nutrition that each partner puts into it.”

Consider these 12 practices. Implement just one and see for yourself how hearts respond to even tiny gestures.

For example, show that you care when you come and go. Make it a point to connect with your spouse when you part for work and other activities. It takes less than a minute to meet face-to-face, look into each others eyes, and say, “Have a good day.”

Renew your dreams. Again and again. They can come true when they’re nourished with regular doses of imagination and faith.

What do you think? I would love to hear from you! Please visit my websites www.charlenecostanzo.com www.thetwelvegifts.com and www.thetwelvegiftsforhealing.com

Wishing you all the best,

Charlene Costanzo

Author's Bio: 

THE STORY BEHIND THE STORIES, about author CHARLENE COSTANZO

Even as a young child, Charlene was a student of inclusive spirituality. Looking for God outside of church as well as inside, she sensed God in cirrus clouds, wildflowers poking through sidewalk cracks, and in the “grandfather” tree she passed each day on her way to and from school. She dismissed the “outside the Church there is no salvation” precept and the notion that God had “chosen” any group of people over another one. “That makes no sense,” she reasoned, noticing the way her grandmother loved all her grandchildren without having favorites. “Surely God is at least as loving and smart as my grandmother. Whoever said that must not have had grandparents like mine. Maybe theirs had favorites and so they thought God has favorites too.”

In the 1950s, during air raid drills in the dark hallways of St. Elizabeth School in Linden, New Jersey, Charlene would imagine meeting Nikita Khrushchev and practice how she would appeal for friendship between Russians and Americans.

When she read the Sleeping Beauty story and thought about fairy godmothers bringing beauty, talent, and grace and other “royal” gifts to the “royal” baby, Charlene thought, Can’t I have these gifts too? Can’t all children? A small voice within said, “You do.”

That childhood memory was buried in Charlene’s consciousness until 1987 when 38 year old Charlene “woke up” in her kitchen, not from sleep but from the jolting realization that 17 years had passed in a flash and her daughters’ childhood years were gone. “Have I been a good mom?” she asked herself. “Yes…but,” was the answer that came to her. In that moment she realized that the most important thing she could give her children is unconditional Love. When a partial life review passed before her and she saw times of missed opportunities, Charlene wept. What can I do now? she asked. An answer came in a fable-like dream which Charlene fashioned into a handmade book. The message of The Twelve Gifts of Birth told her daughters they were born with “royal” gifts. Gentle wishes suggested how to use each gift to live well. She then remembered her childhood response to the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale.

The 500-word message about The Twelve Gifts of Birth took hold of her. Like Roy, the character portrayed by Richard Dreyfuss in the film, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, who was powerfully drawn to an unknown mountain, Charlene felt compelled to do more. Like Roy, who shaped that mountain in shaving cream, mashed potatoes and soil, Charlene hand made book after book, saying, as Roy did, “This means something! This means something!”

The Twelve Gifts of Birth grew into a quest and a mission for Charlene. Determined to bring the message about all the children of the world to all the children of the world - after receiving twenty rejections from publishing companies - Charlene self-published the book. Within a few months, the book won five awards and sold out of its first printing. And Charlene set out on what she called the Polished Stone Tour. The one-year motor home tour was so named because, as part of her visits to schools, shelters, hospitals, churches, bookstores, libraries, and prisons throughout the U.S., she offered everyone she met a polished stone to remind them of the value they could not always see in themselves – a touchstone for the message.

While giving away thousands of stones during that tour and ever since, Charlene has been gathering touchstone stories that demonstrate the power of life’s gifts. Her forthcoming series of books will feature those stories.

In all her books - as well as in her workshops and presentations – Charlene’s approach is practical, playful, and uplifting. She seeks to offer experiential opportunities for others to have their own aha moments of discovery about life’s gifts. Charlene’s already-published books, The Twelve Gifts of Birth, The Twelve Gifts for Healing, and The Twelve Gifts in Marriage (HarperCollins) are being used in many ways by parents, teachers, counselors, healers, and clergy. The series to come is likely to be used by these groups as well as others. The Twelve Gifts of Birth is published in Spanish and Japanese as well as in English.

Charlene presently lives in Sedona, AZ with her husband, Frank (with whom she has been married since 1969) and their cats, Minka and Bailey. Her daughters are grown. Stephanie is a counselor; Krista, a physician. Still deeply interested in spirituality and philosophy as well as psychology, Charlene is now pursuing a master’s degree in spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica. She already holds a degree in philosophy from St. Bonaventure University.

In addition to THE TWELVE GIFTS books, Charlene has published A Perfect Name, which is a children’s picture book, and uplifting articles in McCall’s, Lilipoh, St. Anthony Messenger, Liguorian, Marriage Encounter, and Reader’s Digest.