"We Need to Talk" - How to Start a Difficult Conversation with a Partner, Colleague or Neighbor

Relationships are like shoes. Sometimes they fit, and sometimes they cause annoying, painful blisters. For example, your partner doesn't call when running late; your colleague at work taps his pencil incessantly; and a neighbor trashes your yard. Sometimes you need to confront the offender and get it off your chest. How do you start a difficult conversation about relationship issues without making the situation worse? Here are two tips to help resolve relationship conflicts when you get that "we need to talk" feeling.

Let's begin with a true story about the wrong way to start a difficult conversation. In other words, I started a fight with my neighbor Kenny.

The Christmasberry Bush Squabble

It all started when Kenny said that my Christmasberry bush was dropping leaves and berries onto his lawn. Did I mind if he cut it back?

"No. Have at it," I said.

I should have defined my terms. Although my bush was 6 feet from his fence, Kenny cut it to the ground. To. The. Ground. And he left a mess of branches in my yard.

Furious, I stormed over to Kenny's house armed with my "best" conversation starter: "HOW COULD YOU ... BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" 

He fumed right back. Back and forth we went, frothing and fuming.

At the end of our "discussion," I stomped home and nearly slammed my front door off its hinges.  In those days I was perfectly capable of carrying a grudge for weeks or more. But that's not what happened. 

How Did We Go from Furious to Friendly in a Few Days?

I complained about my neighbor until two wise women advised me to send him flowers.

This advice did not sit well with me. "WHAT?!!! He whacked MY bush to the ground and you want ME to send HIM flowers?"  

"Do you want a good relationship with your neighbor?"  
"Yes."  

"Then send him flowers."  
"But...."  

"Send him flowers."  

I was incredulous. But it was worth a shot, just to prove them wrong. And it might be worth the money and plate of humble pie if they were right. 
 
What to say on the card? This wording seemed suitable:  "I'm sorry for the upset. All the best, Tracey." I ordered the flowers. And I did not die from eating humble pie. That afternoon Kenny knocked on my door and thanked me for the flowers. He seemed dazed -- or dazzled -- by my generosity. All bad feelings vanished on the spot. 

I was lucky that my flower strategy worked. It would have been even better if I'd avoided the fight in the first place.

Tip #1 - Well Begun Is Half Done  

Dr. John Gottman would have known from my first sentence that the talk with Kenny would end with a slam. Gottman learned to predict the outcome of married couples' difficult conversations with 95% accuracy. Here's his secret: If the conversation started with a blast of hostility, criticism or anger, it ended badly. If the conversation started softly, it ended well.

What soft conversation starters could have worked for me and Kenny? I could have said:

• "Hi, Kenny, got a minute? I noticed you cut the Christmasberry back, and I was wondering why you cut it so far past the fence line. It's farther than I had in mind." This conversation could not restore the Christmasberry bush, but it might have provided insight into Kenny's whack job.

• Here's an even better soft conversation starter that focuses on results, i.e. my clean yard. "Hey, Kenny. How's it going? [Pause for an answer.] How's your dog? [Another pause....] Say, I noticed that you cut the bush already. I'd appreciate it if you would come over and get the branches you left in my yard. Could you do that for me? It would be nice to have my yard tidy again."

I could have pulled it off by keeping sarcasm and irritation out of my voice.

Tip #2 - What 4 Words Can Poison a Difficult Conversation?

Avoid the words "We need to talk." We mean well when we say these simple syllables, but they raise the listener's hackles. The listener often takes them as fighting words. (Don't you stiffen when you hear them?) Take these four words out of your vocabulary.

Remember, softly begun is half done.