What Is Your Guiding Principle?

Founder, Global Relationship Centers, Inc.
The dictionary defines the word principle as: an important underlying law or assumption
required in a system of thought. Alfred Adler, the father of Adlerian psychology, explained that
every type of psychology starts with an assumption about the nature of mankind. Certainty is
not available to us; we must start with an assumption and then proceed by claiming that if
the assumption were true then the conclusions that follow would be accurate.
Once we realize that our patterns of behavior all stem from a basic assumption, we gain the
advantage of being able to verify the validity of that assumption and correct any mistakes it
may be generating. For example, what are YOUR basic assumptions about what brings
fulfillment in life? What are your assumptions about what is needed to stay safe?
Minimizing Demands or Being Valuable?
Do you assume that fulfillment comes from minimizing the demands that life places on you?
Or do you assume that fulfillment comes from how valuable you are?
Recently a friend complained that the company he works for does not keep him informed
about the latest improvements they make in their products. I asked him why his company
does not have the attitude of “We have to be sure that we keep Charlie informed because we
cannot afford to lose him.“ By exploring the answer to this question, Charlie realized that he
was not approaching his job from the standpoint of how he could be of service to his
company; he had been attempting to minimize the demands that the job was placing on him.
He resolved to change his approach and within two months he received a major promotion.
Generating Concern or Enjoying Companionship?
You may also want to consider the basic assumption that you formed based on how you got
love as a child. Did you feel most loved when parents were involved with you, attempting to
get you to do what was good for you? (“Eat your peas, they are good for you.“ “Get to bed
now, you need your rest.“ “Be careful.“) If so, as an adult you probably do not make decisions
with the first consideration being what is in your best interest. I suggest you check to see if
the goal of your relationship is intimate companionship or if you are mistakenly depending on
your spouse or partner to help you feel important by provoking him or her to worry about you.
Creating Fear or Building Friendships?
Do you assume that security is created by ensuring that others are afraid to challenge you?
Or do you assume that security comes from being so valuable that others do not desire to
hurt you? For example, the philosophy of fear suggests that if someone attacks us we need
to strike back and hurt him or her in return. This approach is based on the belief that if
others are afraid of us they will think twice before attempting to hurt us. This is not true. Yes,
they do not openly challenge us, but they may look for every possibility to hurt us secretly. In
other words, inflicting fear for the purpose of self-defense actually gives birth to terrorism.
Consider the defense policies of Israel, which chooses aggressive response to any hostility
presented. The result has only slightly minimized open aggression against them, but it has
created continual acts of terrorism. I heard a report that there were 1,500 suicide bomber
attacks on Israel in a recent 18-month period. That is 83 explosions per month! Three people
a day are so angry that they decide to take their own life just to hurt others! Consider what
may have triggered such feelings of hostility. Could the cause be a mistake in their basic
assumptions about ensuring safety and security?
© Global Relationship Centers, Inc. 2007
On a conscious level we realize that terrorism is a response to something we have done that
is offensive. However, when terrorism happens to us we feel certain that we did nothing to
provoke it because we do not recognize the mistakes in our basic assumptions. It does not
feel like we were doing anything to make others angry. We were just defending ourselves.
What if we adopted the policy of ensuring our security by focusing our actions on being so
valuable to others that they do not WANT to hurt us? I am not suggesting being passive. I am
suggesting we adopt a philosophy of leveraging our helpfulness and service to others.