If you had 20 people who constantly demonstrated how much they love and adore you, and then you won 20 million dollars, would you find it easier to relax?

Unmet Needs

Isabel Parlett (a coach) defines Inner Peace as "the absence of need or drive".

We constantly scurry, or worry, because of a sense or feeling that we do not yet have enough.

How are you pushing to get your needs met? Do you drive over the speed limit? Work long hours? Work in the Doctor's waiting room so you can feel efficient? Wait until your driving or at the first red light to consult the map? Not tell the absolute truth, or do things for people so they will like you?

One of my needs is to feel efficient and productive, so can feel more worthy. Last week when I really had to leave if I was going to be on time for a friend, I found myself changing my shirt, opening the window to air the place, replacing the kitty litter etc. Instead I could have just walked out the door, and arrived 5 minutes early - maybe sat and noticed my surroundings before our meeting.

The most important step to lowering the volume on these driving needs, is to simply identify them - "Oh, my need to feel valued is why I'm striving so hard to please my partner".

Lowering the Bar

Have you set the bar too high?

Genevieve told me: "I'm stressed - I didn't get half of my 'to-do' list done this week." Well - who said the list had to be that long? One of the most common sources of stress is a decision that X things have to be done this week. (Because we have a need to accomplish? Feel valued?)

We're upset at not earning $50,000 only if we decided that's how much had to be earned. We're stressed at not getting everything done in a day often because we put too much on the list. We're upset he gets angry, only because we decided he should always be calm and mature.

So this week, write out what you would normally try to handle, or would normally expect from your life. Then try "lowering the bar", and write out the minimum you need for that week. Breathe easier? (Note this doesn't mean you can't shoot for the moon......but do it as a game, and be clear that all you have to do is hit the minimum to get by; the rest is a BONUS).


If you have a need for order, a messy room will be draining. Someone with a need to be loved will find it draining to leave a relationship - even with a neighbour - with important things uncommunicated. If you have a need for direction, not having written that Life Plan will be draining.

So I suggest you write a list of 20 things that are draining you, or simply don't support you. What are you putting up with? Everything from your environment (work, home, car, clothes etc.) to your behaviour (being late? lying? not saying "no" enough?). Then pick three that would feel GREAT to handle, and handle them this week; you'll be glad you did!

Author's Bio: 

David Wood is a personal coach, and a Director of CoachCampus - an online coach training company. He asks people “What do you want?? and “What are you doing about it??

He coaches individuals in several countries via e-mail and telephone, and speaks to organisations on topics such as 'Create A Life You Love'.

David specializes in helping women get what they want and deserve from their relationship, and helping new coaches get started in the career of life coaching.

Professional Affiliations: International Coach Federation, National Speakers Association of Australia, Institute of Actuaries of Australia.

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