Relationship Corner

Following on from The Training Cycle, readers sent in some very thought provoking requests for cyber coaching. Below you can read selected issues sent in by readers, and the coaching I sent back!

Invitation: If you send your (very brief!) relationship issue/problem to lifecoach@instructor.net, I will give you FREE cyber coaching on the issue (i.e. email coaching). I may include the issue in following newsletters using your initials only.

So go on - send in your issue! I will only keep this Section going if it is of value to, and being used by, you - the reader. I still plan to include a general article on having life be exactly the way you want it (feel free to send me feedback at lifecoach@instructor.net on the topics you would like to see).

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Reader #1: RH, Sydney

Dude, I think you're losing it!

What about the woman focussing her attention on the man, giving the man what he wants, and the man training his female partner?

COACH:******dude - look around you. That's the way it is already - and I say the divorce rates prove that system doesn't work.

Women don't need training to give a man attention - they've been conditioned since birth to do that.*******

Lots of women say to me recently, the most important thing in a relationship is that each person can bring out the best in the other. But shouldn't the motivation to be your best come from within, and not from someone else, as the only person you can ultimately rely on is yourself?

COACH: *****It does come from you. Yet - supporting yourself by surrounding yourself with inspiring, motivating people (including a partner) is smart. Why fight uphill?*****

I've finally been getting my act together, getting out there, and dated a series of women recently, but the one I like the best has been very indecisive between me, another guy, and staying single, so she's gone away to clear her head.

COACH:*****So pay attention........what does she want from you right now?*****

Reader #2: MT, Sydney

David,
You've really got me interested and thinking - about how to better please/communicate women and get the attention that I'm looking for.

COACH:*****This can be done. However, more powerful is to "overflow her" with what she wants so that her surplus turns towards you. Much better than trying to get the attention you want.*******

In the last two weeks, I've decided it's time to start to live again, so I'm back in the dating game. With courage and no fear (well at least not enough to stop me) I've asked Jackie on a date, and I'm happy to say she accepted. My challenge here is that she too is recently out of a long term relationship and not looking for big commitment etc. We had a good first date with no pressure, hard moves, or sense of discomfort. Next day I suggested a stroll along the beach/swim to which she readily reinforced her position of not seeking commitment. I assured her that I understand and that I am happy to be there for her as a companion etc. which Jackie claims she is looking for.

Can't help but think that stage 1 of asking and gaining acceptance is going well. However, stage 2 "The Date" maybe where I'm falling apart. Perhaps this is where some relationship coaching may help. What do you think?

COACH: *****play with the training cycle (See Issue #10)

Who says you're falling apart? If Jackie wants to feel safe, then what there is to do is to give her that. Keep paying attention, and giving her what she wants if you want to hang out with this woman. If this happens, how could she not stick around?********

Reader #3: Anonymous

Dear David,

When a silly insignificant argument strikes once a fortnight - my husband's consistent quote within 2 minutes of arguing is: pack your bags and get the hell out of my life (the irrational quitter). Last time this happened I complied with his request and was seriously shocked to see him run after me. I reversed the power struggle and found myself to be at the steering wheel. Although, regardless of the precedence set at the previous scene, I know that he will ask me to pack my bags again...it's only a matter of time.

COACH: *****great opening for communication. Find out what's there for him that has him say that, and listen until there's no more for him to say. Then ask him if he wants to continue like that, or if he's willing to agree to another way of acting when he feels like that*****

As a female, I loath the insecurity, the threatening power and the buttons he now knows how to push. I need to change this about me, or in all honesty he needs to see a counsellor to gain understanding, acceptance & most importantly closure from his past...as I know he finds it hard to accept the way one female had the power to turn his world upside down within a week - just when at the time he thought he had a perfect life. Can you help? Grace

COACH:******Counseling for him is a good idea. But him changing won't handle this. I think you could also use a coach so you can be powerful in your interactions, rather than reacting. He's going to do what he's going to do. It's what you do that's important.