Be Authentic! This is a MUST if You Want to Succeed Having an Intimate Relationship

Being authentic is a MUST in order to develop a successful intimate relationship. Unfortunately, not many are authentic. In this article I explain why it is so difficult for so many to be authentic, and what you can do to enhance your authenticity and thereby your relationships.

WHAT DOES “BEING AUTHENTIC” MEAN?

Being authentic means being yourself; being “who you really are”. It means, entering a relationship without wearing masks. Be true and honest with yourself as well as with your partner about your needs and expectations, true intentions and hopes.

WHY ARE MANY not AUTHENTIC?

Many are not authentic due to fears and needs. They fear that being “who they really are” will cause them to be rejected by others; not be loved as much as they want; be avoided and criticized.

Many have learned, from early childhood, that in order to be loved by parents, teachers and friends, they need to be submissive, pleasant; assertive. They need to “go by the rules”. To obey what they are being told. In brief: to be nice and accommodating.

Some have adjusted such behaviors feeling that they siblings are getting more parents’ attention and appreciation than they. Some have developed this “nice” side of themselves due to their low self-esteem and believing, maybe unconsciously, that this is the only way available to them to make friends.

No matter what the reason might be, many have developed these behaviors, while growing up and beginning dating, into an art all by itself and have taken it to the extreme: to always be there for their partners; to love 100% and more; to give give and give, without asking anything in return.

If you are person who behaves in such a non-authentic way, inside yourself you want to get back the love you put out; you crave for a more mutual relationship. You also want to be able to voice your opinions; to disagree with some of what your partner wants; to be able to decide on things; to feel more empowered. But you are afraid to lose your partner; you fear rejection and loneliness. So you put off being authentic in order to at least have a relationship. In short, you are not being true to yourself.

THE PRICE YOU PAY WHEN YOU ARE not AUTHENTIC

The problem is that when you behave this way rather than being authentic, your behavior will often boomerang at you. The relationship you get into is NOT mutual; you often feel abused, not because your partners have bad intentions, but because such a “totally loving and accepting” behavior drives your partners to “use” it to their advantage. Eventually you accumulate anger, frustration and disappointment.

When the relationship ends – usually at the instigation of your partner, since you, due to your fears and needs don’t have the courage to end it! – you are likely to quickly enter into another relationship in which you’ll behave the same all over again…

EVELYN: A TYPICAL EXAMPLE

Evelyn has been jumping from one relationship to another. She always quickly “falls in love” with men who approach them, is willing to quickly move in with them, pamper them and be there for them 100%. She cooks and cleans and buys concert and movie tickets. She is always “on the alert” to satisfy all their needs and desires whenever they want to, even when it doesn’t suit her or requires that she cancels other plans she might have made with her girlfriends.

The amazing part of it all is, Evelyn tells herself, that after a couple of months her partners always find one or another excuse to end the relationship. One has “suddenly” to devote all his time to his career; the other has to drive each weekend to attend to his ailing mother; the third has a middle-life crisis and needs to be by himself.

Haven’t they seen how much she has been for them? Do they think they will be able to find a better partner than she is? Being dumped once again, she asks herself what went wrong – again!

EXPLANATION

Evelyn’s neediness to have a partner and her fear of being alone drive her not only to “sacrifice” herself on the altar of a relationship but also blind her from seeing reality as it is. Evelyn “doesn’t get the message”; doesn’t get the many hints the different partners are giving her throughout all their months together about not wanting a committed relationship – at least not with her.

Being blind to reality, she is likely to continue not being authentic time and again, telling herself that she has so much love to give, so much care to offer…

BEING AUTHENTIC IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS WITH INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

If you have experienced similar situations to Evelyn, you are not alone; many have. But this shouldn’t comfort you, since this is your life and your relationships. The only way to get away from this vicious circle of being hurt and abandoned time and again is to become authentic: to get up the courage to “be who you really are”: to express your needs and aspirations; to develop a mutually give-and-take relationship and not take it upon yourself to always be the one who is there for your partner.

It might well be that you need to unlearn old ways of behaviour you have internalized and adopted all these years. Rather than being submissive in order to receive love, allow yourself to voice you own ideas and will. Rather than being there 100% for your partner from day one of the relationship, allow time for the relationship to develop at a reasonable rate. Rather than fear all the time that you might be rejected and dumped, allow yourself to enjoy the relationship and not do things in order “to ensure a future” which might eventually not be there.

BEING AUTHENTIC EMPOWERS YOU TO SUCCEED

You might initially be afraid to be authentic. You might think you might lose any possibility of having a partner who’ll love you. Indeed, if you have NOT been authentic until now, you might be afraid to change the status quo.

But if you have had quite a few unsuccessful relationships; if you have been dumped time and again; if you feel your partners often abused your kindness – what do you have to lose by becoming authentic?

The more authentic you will become, the more empowered you will feel, and the more true relationship you will be able to develop.