Bedroom Tips For Married Couples: How To Make Married Life Romantic

Many new marriages/relationships are naturally passionate: Yearning for one another when not together, frequent and intense love-making, communicating your feelings through touch and sex.

But for many couples, the effortless passion of new love isn't permanent: over time the realities of domestic life rob relationships of the mystique that often fuels passion.

Seeing one another under less than ideal circumstances, daily stresses, changing roles (like becoming parents), are just some of the passion drainers that all couples must contend with.

The Passionate marriage: You can increase desire in your marriage

(D) Do something different. Relationship ruts are the result of mind-numbing repetitiveness and seeing your spouse/partner as one-dimensional (only as a mother, rather than as a mother and as a woman with sexual needs). Being a little less predictable can plant the seeds of desire.

(E) Educate yourself about what turns your spouse/partner on. How can you accomplish this? ASK him/her. It can be as simple and straightforward as, "What turns you on?"

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(S) Sex is a sensory experience. Learn to incorporate all of your senses (and try to stimulate all of your spouse's/partner's senses) during sex. Touch can be highly sensual and just by touching your partner in a new way, you can ramp up the desire in your marriage.

(I) Inform your spouse/partner about what turns you on. This is where communication comes in: "I like it when you touch me like that"; "It drives me crazy when you talk dirty to me."

(R) Role play in and outside of the bedroom: One couple I worked with used to go to a grocery store and pretend they were strangers meeting for the first time, with the evening ending in passionate love making (and this couple has been married for over thirty years!). When you role play, you bring back the mystery and novelty that often fuels passion early on in relationships.

(E) Experimentation is a mindset that can turn a ho-hum sex life into a passionate sex life. It creates an atmosphere of openness and playfulness. Sexual experimentation doesn't have to be complicated and there are many good books to help couples increase their sexual repertoire. New outfits, new sexual positions, new ways of initiating sex, new locations... You get the idea.

So each letter of the word desire can be used as your passion guide to a more fulfilling sex life with your spouse/partner. One of the biggest resistances to using new information is the assumption that "real passion" should come naturally and that any effort on your part is an indication that your marriage or relationship is doomed to a passionless reality. This assumption is totally incorrect. Couples who have been together for many years and still have passionate sex take the time and effort to work at it!

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Questions have power. They can open our minds up to new possibilities and ways-of-being, they can alter the course of our thoughts and shape our behavior in positive ways...

...and questions can have the opposite effect, shutting us down with the force of a jackhammer.

And some questions aren't questions at all, they're really statements or proclamations disguised as questions.

Here's an all-too-common example of a statement pretending to be a question that never leads anywhere useful (unless, of course, your goal is a break down in communication):

"Why are you being so defensive?!"

What is the real message behind this non-question? Probably something like:

"You're reacting in a negative-combative way and it's totally uncalled for-you should be having a different reaction from the one you're having, so knock it off."

At least this is what the person on the receiving end of "Why are you being so defensive?" hears. This non-question is one of the most invalidating string of words you can say to your spouse/partner.

Relationship Help: What is defensiveness?

Remember, if your spouse/partner is being "defensive," s/he feels attacked or treated unfairly in some way. A defensive person is trying to protect him/herself by either covering up emotionally (not listening, shutting down, deflecting, withdrawing) or by going on the offensive (making counter-arguments, becoming angry).

People who feel emotionally safe in their relationships and understood by their spouses/partners
typically don't feel the need to react defensively.

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In couples communication the term "defensive" (as in, "Why are you being so defensive") is no longer a neutral or benign term used to describe the other person's need for self-protective action. Instead it's become a dig, a verbal left-hook, rather than a question born out of curiosity and designed to open up a meaningful dialogue.

Let's put the term "defensive" to rest and replace it with...

I think it's a good idea for all of us in relationships to replace the word "defensive" with the word "protective." This captures more clearly what the "defensive" person is actually doing (protecting him/herself from something that feels distressful) - and the word "protective" doesn't come with the pejorative baggage that the word "defensive" now has when couples use the word.

Try this on for size:

"It feels to me as if you're being self-protective right now, and I'd like to understand why."

You can even ask yourself this question next time you feel your emotional guard going up with your spouse/partner.

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People invariably change over the years which means that they also need to adjust their relationship balance. For instance. Mary and John found themselves in that kind of a situation. For a long time their balance worked well. Each had their designated roles which they fulfilled well and their primary way of connecting was focused on their children, work, and managing the household. Things for them became unsettled when their last child headed for college. John found himself wanting a closer relationship with Mary. She was busy and content with the way things were.

Here are five tips for recharging a marriage/significant relationship.

Tip 1. Both people have to be OK

The clearest indicator that a couple needs to put some time into recharging their relationship is when one is OK and the other one is not. In a well working relationship both people have to feel OK. If that is not the case they need to work at re-balancing their relationship.

Tip 2. The need to re-balance is part of growth

In this example John was the first to signal that for him the relationship balance no longer was as satisfying. It didn't mean that there weren't a lot of areas where things continued to be just fine but John found that for him something important in their relationship was missing. His task was to accept that it was OK that his spouse was not at the same place just like it was OK that he wanted a shift in their relationship.

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Tip 3. Bring things up in small steps

Change comes about in small steps. It is best to bring up one small specific request and build on that. If one speaks globally i.e. I am not happy there is very little the other person can do with that. However, if John were specific in saying that I would like us to set one evening aside for us to do something together he will be making a direct request from Mary.

Tip 4. Look for solutions

To look for solutions is far more effective than spending time rehashing the past or applying blame or criticism to each other.

Tip 5. Acknowledge the Positive

It is important for John to acknowledge his delight at any small step that Mary makes that feels to him like they are connecting better. Change is successful when John and Mary accept that both of them have to be OK in order for their relationship to grow and take action to make it happen.

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The relationship between women and men ranging from dating, courtship, engagement and marriage proper is fraught with many pitfalls. However, regardless of how much problems the relationship with the opposite sex bring; it is still a task that must be done, people must be still be in relationships. It is the way of life for all beings. That is to say, every normal human being must be in one form of these relationships or the other as soon as they come of the age for such.

The problems that bedevil relationships include abusive conduct that hurt. These may be emotional, verbal and physical abuses. There are those that are hurting in their dating, courtship and marriage relationship, especially the women folk. The men also suffer. Some feel trapped and one wonders why they are not able to quit. They just stay and suffer.

During the preliminary stage of a relationship, it is possible to predict if it would fail or end up being an abusive relationship. There are relationship red flags. These red flags or signs of trouble are always there. Those involved miss these signs largely because they remove their eyes from the purpose of the relationship. The moment you make a false move such as getting involved in sexual intimacies while still dating or in courtship stage, there is a beclouding that robs the partners of seeing things as they really are. Another thing that makes it difficult for people to see the relationship red flags is when they become materialistic. The moment a partner starts watching the pocket of the other partner in a relationship; he or she removes their eyes from learning and studying the character traits of that partner.

Here are some relationship red flags to watch out for when you are in a relationship:

• Anxiety - Anxiety also means nervousness, worry, unease, apprehension, fear, etc. Remember having these feelings? Anytime you are in a relationship, and you notice that you or your partner is exhibiting the emotion of anxiety, you have a clear sign that the relationship would never turn to any good. There are a number of things that cause anxiety in relationships. One of them is a deceitful mind. If you or your partner is deceitful or fears it from the other, then, it is a sign that the relationship would not work out good. Being unequally yoked with someone can also cause anxiety or fear. Would he or she ever come up to my level, my faith, my Church or status? There are a number of others. If you feel the emotion of anxiety in a relationship, it would be wise to quit in an honorable way before it crashes on your head.

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• Lack of Self-Confidence - Lack of self-confidence is a red flag in a relationship. You need that feeling of self-assurance, comportment and sure steps to feel and to prove to yourself and your partner that you are the real person for him or her. Lack of self-confidence or self-sufficiency hurts and hunts those in relationships. If while going out with a man or woman you notice this negative emotion in them, it would be most appropriate to help him or her feel confident or you quit in good time to avoid hurting yourselves.

• Communication Failure - The purpose of dating, especially early dating or dating for socialization is to learn communication skill. If you are in relationship and two of you are not able to talk freely, talk about issues of your future, or talk over misunderstanding, then you have a sign of trouble in your hands. When communication failure persists, it is like dealing with a deaf and dumb. Violence usually follows. This is one of the reasons why premarital sex is not acceptable by any good standard. It freezes communication.

• Disrespect - Disrespect also means disregard, contempt, insolence and impertinence. If while in a relationship you notice that your partner disrespects you in his or her conduct, words and reactions to your ideas and presence, you have a dangerous red flag that the relationship is doomed. Mutual respect is one of the foundational elements of joyful relationships. It is advisable that if mutual respect were not found in a relationship, it should be aborted. Disrespect leads to physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

• Neediness - Neediness also means poverty, want, penury, destitution, privation and hardship. However, in the context of this article, it refers to a state in a relationship where one of the partners is desperate for the love and economic support of the other partner. When this happens, the needy partner subjugates himself or herself to the whims and caprices of the other. The providing partner has a high temptation to make undue demands on the virtue of the other person. It leads to lack of respect, which easily leads to abusive conduct.

• Premarital Sex - Premarital sex is sexual relationship outside legal and lawful marriage state. If a partner in a relationship other than marriage demands or offers sexual favors, this is a sign that relationship would not work, regardless of how far it is taken. It is an evidence of disrespect for the other person.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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