Spicing Up The Marriage Bed: Spicing Up Your Marriage In Bed

Sex just not what it once was? Been married for a while? Has the bedroom become the "boring" room? Do you wonder if your spouse cares more for the television / computer / [whatever] than your sexual needs/desires? Well, you're not alone. Husbands and wives fall quietly to sleep every night with unmet sexual needs/desires - creating a trail of resentment and frustration. Take a look at these steps to better sex in your marriage.

Have a "talk" with your husband/wife. WAIT, hang with me for a minute - this is worth it. Start the conversation off like this. "Sweetie, you know I love you, but we both know our sex life sucks and we need better, we deserve better, I deserve more just as you deserve more. I'm willing to make a commitment to work very hard to improve our sex life, but I need a commitment from you too. Before you tune me out - I would like for us to work on some stuff I found in this article. I believe it will help us." At this point, either you AND your spouse will be willing to WORK on this "problem" or you won't.

First, both of you need an open mind. It's critical both of you are willing to gain an "understanding" of the other. You MUST discover each other's sexual NEEDS and DESIRES. Even if you've been married for 10 years or more - sexual needs/desires might have changed or never been discovered. Sometimes, particularly with sex, we're afraid to let our spouse know what we want or need. Perhaps we're ashamed or embarrassed? Regardless, if you don't know what your spouse needs/desires - it's not likely he/she will be fulfilled. Both husband and wife should do some serious thinking about what you need sexually from each other. Often, men and women are polar opposites in their sexual needs. That's OK and it's normal. Both husband and wife should make a written list of those needs/desires.

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The next step is where the "rubber meets the road" in your sex life. Often, we have a "selfish" focus when it comes to sex. That's OK AS-LONG-AS we also have a commitment to put our SELF aside and give our spouse what he/she needs sexually. Hollywood has given the world an unrealistic model of a healthy sexy life. Husband and wives don't "magically" find sexual fulfillment in the same "activities" or even at the same time. A healthy sex life requires a lot of giving. For instance, often women need intimacy to feel sexually fulfilled. This could require that a husband spend extra time before AND after "intercourse" cuddling, etc. - maybe she only wants to cuddle without intercourse? How many times have you heard a woman say "He gets what he wants - has his orgasm - then off he goes."? That woman isn't being fulfilled. Men are usually less complicated. Men usually have certain sexual "things" in mind that they want to do (or have done to them). Ladies, DON'T underestimate the power of your man's sex drive. Those "things" might seem silly, gross or whatever, but to your man - they are essential to the sexual health of your marriage. PLEASE don't make your man feel bad about these sexual "things". Please do your best to fulfill his needs and desires. Just taking his "odd" sexual needs seriously and showing a desire to fulfill them could rejuvenate your sex life. When I say "odd", I'm not talking about "twisted" sexual practices. I'm talking about positions and activities you would find in an average "husband & wife" sex book.

Lastly, I know you're tired. I know the kids need attention and I know we all have a lot of things going on in our lives. However, keeping sexual needs/desires met is sort of like keeping the lawn mowed, the dishes washed, the house clean, the car running well, etc. If you truly seek a GREAT sex life with your spouse - be prepared to work at it each and every day. Not only will you see improvement in your sex life - joy will spill over into other parts of your relationship as well. One last word to the ladies: Your husband is more interested in what you're willing to DO to satisfy his needs / desires than HOW you look! It's true. Last word to the guys: Don't try to "perform" in the bedroom. She's not interested in your performance. She's interested in your willingness to truly LISTEN to her, connect with her in an intimate way and show her your desire to keep her sexually fulfilled. She needs it from you. Make the commitment to each other - you deserve it - and learn to enjoy each other.

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A marriage is a precious thing. It can be the best relationship a person will have on this earth with another person. And when it is bad, hell is a better alternative.

Many people think that the best relationship they will have is with their children. I have plenty of my own children and I love them dearly. But the relationship I have with my wife is much different. I see her as a life partner. I know that my children will one day leave, find their own love, live their own life and I will not be the center of what they do. They will move to different states, pursue their careers and me, well I had better have my own life or I will be a lonely man indeed!

When we compare our marriage to the building of a house we have to consider the walls. What do the walls represent in a home? They allow us to have rooms, they keep the unwanted visitors out and they set boundaries. A marriage must have the same parameters. Consider the following;

1) A good marriage has room - married people are people first and all people need room. You can be madly in love with someone but you still need a life outside of your loved one. You need friends, interests that are your own and a way to do what you want to do when no one else is around. This provides balance to every individual.

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2) A good marriage keeps out unwanted visitors - there must be some private places in your marriage. Even your best friend should not know the intimate details a husband and wife share with each other. When this wall is erected in a marriage you can see your spouse across a crowded room and when you make eye contact, you both smile. Secrets in your marriage add spice to your everyday life.

3) A good marriage sets boundaries - above all married people must protect their time with one another. We all need to work but if work interferes with your time together, it can cost you your marriage. Whether it is being with our children, hanging out with friends or pursuing other interests, you must have boundaries. Don't allow anything or anyone to interfere with the time you must invest in each other in order to be happy for a lifetime.

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When two people have grown apart they are each lonely. People need an emotional connection. If that is not there between the two people they tend to find it elsewhere. The emotional connection could come through investment in the children, work, alcohol, sports, affairs or any other interest that provides emotional sustenance. Couples who find themselves in this situation may manage the demands of daily living quite well together but be missing out on the love and friendship which intimacy provide.

How to reconnect when the emotional connection has been weakened over the years?

1. Do something that you know will please your partner

It is the little things that that have a long lasting effect on love. Your partner may feel pleasure if you cook something you know your partner likes, or finish a project that has been in process far too long, compliment on appearance, or suggest you will do something that you know he/she would enjoy.

2. One person can start the process of reconnecting.

When people are lonely they are also angry and feel betrayed by the other. Consequently human nature is to want the other one to start showing caring first. If you are the one who desires to reconnect then just start. The likelihood is great that your partner will respond. Remember both of you are feeling the lack of intimacy.

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3. Spend some time thinking as to what gives you a warm sense of connectedness.

Get clear as to what you would like. What have you been missing? Is it the little touches, the sexual closeness, the talks, the joy of laughter, the sense that your partner adored you in spite of your imperfections.

4. Carry two goals within you simultaneously

The big goal is that you would like to rekindle your relationship. The action goals are the little steps you take every day by being fair, doing random acts of kindness, letting go of blame and criticism, by speaking in "I" messages and listening with an open mind.

5. Trust and love take time to be rekindled

It is through acceptance and giving that love is shown. You will find that gradually your loneliness and anger will lessen and friendship and intimacy will grow.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Something that's really attractive about females in general is their subtlety. They can tell a guy that they're really into them by doing nothing more than standing a certain way close to a guy. This is one of the finer points that come with trying to get better at understanding men.

Now of course, not all guys are as discerning as me, but being subtle is what starts off the whole "playing hard to get" game.

It could be something as little as wearing a subtle fragrance and standing close enough to him so that he associates the fragrance with you, or even a gentle brush or touch of the shoulder whenever you walk by. Whatever it is, most guys do try to be on the lookout for these signals to make the move.

Bear in mind that subtlety does not on all men; there are some men who read way too much into signals that women might accidentally be dropping. On the other end of the spectrum, there could be guys who don't know that you're into them even if you're standing stark naked in front of them.

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If you've been dropping these hints here and there without any response, it's probably a good idea to try and ramp up the signals by a notch or two and just let us know directly. Just be prepared for the worst; a lot of the time that guys don't notice you is because they weren't interested in you in the first place.

Remember, this set of tips is best suited to women who are in a relationship with a man who wants to turn up the heat so that they go from partners to lovers.

The best couples do this all the time, even when they get older and older. Who says that you should stop having fun when you get married? Who wrote the rules on playing hard to get? Playing hard to get is the premise of all flirting. If you're good at being subtle, you'll be fine. Your man will always pay attention to you if you lure him out with some "emotional bait" and let him nibble it before yanking it away from him.

Here is the summary of the tip again for the ladies who want to write down how to become better at understanding men: be more subtle, but not so subtle that you're vague. Subtlety is the beginning of playing hard to get and playing hard to get is what gives relationships momentum to stay strong and last the test of time.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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