Constant Arguing In A Marriage: Constant Arguing With Partner

In the Japanese martial art of Aikido, the defender uses skill to neutralize the attacker's force without injury to either party. By accepting the attack rather than opposing it, the defender goes with the attacker's motion and turns out of its path, allowing its energy to dissipate harmlessly.

Those who wish to improve a relationship can use a similar tactic when verbally attacked. We can turn a contest about who is right into an opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate differences.

The natural tendency is to fight back. We see ourselves in a win/lose situation. While we may not want to beat our attacker into submission, we certainly don't want to be beaten by them either. So, we vigorously defend ourselves by denying the accuser's statement. Then, to gain the upper hand or at least stay even, we attack in return.

The result is predictable. The contest escalates, energy mounting until it assumes a momentum of its own. One harsh word follows another until we finally withdraw in frustration. Most often, nothing has been resolved. Maybe there has been real damage and maybe not. But what a hassle! And who's the winner?

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Perhaps the attacker was needlessly aggressive. But the defender still has a choice as to how he will respond. A skillful communicator might recognize the need that is behind the attack. He might choose to move his ego out of the way and understand his partner's need to communicate, even if he does feel like a target. Hi might discover a need for support or reassurance. Or maybe a feeling of loneliness, frustration or simple fatigue motivates the attack.

Aggression is not always what it seems. By accepting it, standing aside and looking beyond it you can turn a distancing fight into an opportunity for understanding and closeness.

I would like to point out, however, that this is not necessarily a natural response for most of us. It is more natural for us to feel offended when attacked and to pose some sort of defense. That's why the most intimate of relationships require us to grow, spiritually, if you want to call it that.

When I use the word spiritual, I mean transcending the self, the limited entity that is us, in the smaller, animal sense. If you don't mind growing, it is possible to see that there is more to us and, when you do, you realize that we are made to be connected to each other. In some way we are like bees or ants in that we are incomplete and even non-functional without each other. It's unnatural for us to be completely alone and yet, to be together, we must transcend our aloneness and be there for each other. That's why intimacy is hard.

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There are times when you may feel your partner is not meeting your needs. Instead of asking for what you want you might decide to do something different. My suggestion is that you think of what you can do for your partner.

To make a marital relationship last it takes work to become a caring companion. Here are seven tips that can help you be the right partner.

1. Ask yourself: am I behaving in a love worthy way?
Be honest with yourself. You will know deep inside you if you have been acting in a love worthy way. Remember that we earn love.

2. Are you remembering to show gratitude?
Gratitude is for the little things that contribute to life together flowing well.

3. Are you being critical?
It is easy to look for what you wish your partner/spouse would do differently. It is much harder to pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth.

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4. Are you thinking relationally or mostly about yourself?
There is a big difference. If you are primarily thinking about yourself you may be losing sight of what you need to contribute to strengthen the relationship.

5. Are you acting in a way that enhances the relationship?
The opposite would be acting in ways that bring embarrassment or shame to the relationship.

6. Are you using words to let your partner know what you admire about him/her?
Look for the positive in your partner and use words to let him/her know specifically what he/she is doing that pleases you.

7. Are you giving love or waiting to be given to?
Change starts with being the kind of person you want to be. Healthy love is a matter of being a right partner. By showing love towards your partner there is a greater likelihood that he/she will in return respond in a love worthy way.

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Emotional compatibility is a common cause for arguments between married couples. Everyone brings different perspectives and experiences to the table when they are involved in a relationship, so it would be unwise to expect that partners match up exactly. However, it is important to learn how to respect your partner's different emotional needs. Learning this skill during the process of marriage counseling can help your relationship with your partner grow stronger.

Often, both partners have different levels of emotional needs. Sometimes one partner craves deeper levels of expression and communication than the other partner. One partner may seek out long, drawn-out conversations about how they feel. They may want their partner to do the same. For the other partner, a person who doesn't crave so much depth of feeling, this situation can be overwhelming and frustrating. These different expectations can cause difficulties.

Relationship advice experts have also found that many couples have different ways of reacting to the world emotionally. On one hand, one partner may experience strong emotions to everyday events. They may cry at movies, laugh loud and long at dinner, or be quick to anger when the children are naughty. On the other hand, the other partner may be more emotionally steady. They may take more time to react to situations and spend more time thinking things through before showing an emotional reaction.

Every relationship has obstacles, but smart couples seek out resources to overcome those obstacles. When arguments arise between partners who have different emotional needs, marriage counseling can help guide the couple back to meeting each other's needs in a loving way.

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A Relationship advice expert can help each individual identify their most important emotional needs and learn how to reach out to their partner in a positive, loving manner. Some of the areas of emotional needs that couples should examine are: affection, sexual fulfillment, and conversation. Each partner will usually be encouraged to write down their list of emotional needs under each category so that they will remember details when communicating them later.

Often it is at this point that men and women are surprised to see that the needs they have listed are so different from each other. Psychological research shows that men and women do in fact look for different types of support and care from their partners. On one hand, men can overlook their female partner's need for more affection and verbal affirmation. One the other hand, women sometimes do not recognize that their male partner requires more physical attention than they do.

Once each individual's needs are out in the open, a professional relationship advice provider will usually meet with the couple together. The marriage counseling process then can approach the couple's communication with each other so that each partner is able to fairly and openly express their needs. Many couples will want to refer to their journal or notes that they wrote during their individual session with the counselor. With professional guidance, the couple will learn the good communication skills necessary for negotiating a plan to meet their individual emotional needs. Developing emotional compatibility is therefore fundamental for a strong and lasting marital relationship.

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Here is something that you'll never read in any magazine or relationship help book. Understanding men is hard sometimes and this is one of those times. Did you know that as much as we like to think that we can provide for you and protect you, we also want and need your protection as well?

Despite guys' attempts to be all macho and strong, we do also want to be nurtured. Most guys do have a mother growing up and whether we like it or not, we try to find women who are similar to our mothers, in the sense that they could nurture us anyway.

I was once lying in bed with my girlfriend. It was time for me to leave and my girlfriend whispered to me, "you know, if you leave my house tonight and you get mugged, I'll come out and beat up those thugs."

Now, my girlfriend is 5 foot something. She's not that tall, nor that strong. But having her just say that, I couldn't help but feel touched. It was nice to know that she was looking out for me as much as I was looking out for her.

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It goes back to the whole equal value concept. Relationships are all about equal give and take. If there's an imbalance too far in either person's direction, it can't work out in the long term.

If you think about it, this is also where the whole being able to cook for the man ideology comes into as well. Women who are good in the kitchen are like our mother, the ones who typically were good in the kitchen. This also includes washing and cleaning, etc.

There was this one time when my ex's mother was ill. She had a sore back and couldn't do the chores, nor go out to the supermarket to do her grocery shopping. When I called my ex that night, she told me what had happened.

She told me she spent the entire day doing the ironing, the cleaning and the grocery shopping and for some reason, I felt a rush of pride at the time, like I was proud that she was my girlfriend. She thought it was weird, but now I know that it was just because I realised she would be a good partner in years to come, since she could look after and protect her mother so well.

Understanding men can be difficult sometimes and realizing that we want your protection might take some getting used to. However, I can guarantee that if you put the time into understanding this concept, your man will love you more than ever.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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