Help Me In Saving My Marriage

That is usually the plea from either the husband or wife when their marriage is on their rocks and their spouse seems determined not to make up or worse still, chooses to be with someone else. When all else fails, they panic and become desperate for help in saving their marriages.

Before going into the nuts and bolts of identifying the key problems and providing appropriate solutions, allow me to give a cold hard fact that marriages can really be stressful and difficult to manage especially for men.

In the olden days, they are much easier to handle as women are more submissive and willing to serve men as faithful wives.

Sadly in the 21st century especially when women are regarded as equals in careers by society, they become much more independent and develop their own mindsets. Instead of being submissive, they want men to be so that they can get what they want rather than giving men what they want.

It is extremely hurting to realize that your spouse - whom you have been in love and staying with - is going to leave you. It is never easy to accept this and even harder especially if you have children since you are going to lose custody of looking after them as well.

The only bright thing is that so long as you and your spouse are not officially divorced, you have every chance to save your marriage. And that is provided you do the right things and not what you think is right as many men have found out at a cost.

Firstly, you need to identify what went wrong with your marriage. You may discuss with your spouse but be prepared to accept the reasons mentally as most of them will be your faults that caused all those problems. The worse case scenario is that your spouse may not even want to tell you after claiming that she has told you many times but you do not want to listen.

Though it may sound very hurting to you, you need to understand that your spouse is equally hurt as well.

For instance if your marriage breakdown is due to your extra-marital affairs and your spouse deliberately sees another man as well, you cannot blame her totally. She does this so as to enable you to understand how she feels if you are in her shoes. That usually happens after she keeps telling you to stop seeing the other woman but you refuses to listen or even deny.

Another reason could be abusive behaviour which led to violence. Stress at work, addiction to drugs and gambling are some of the factors that caused this. When things are not going their way, men tend to vent their frustration on their women without giving any valid reasons. This resulted in great misunderstandings and hurt to women.

Or it could be your spouse unable to adjust to your daily lifestyle and living habits. For instance if my wife is a 9 to 5 employee and I am working from afternoon to midnight, this can be a trauma to her since we do not get to see each other frequently despite sleeping together under the same roof.

Lack of communication is another reason why marriages fall apart. Whether you have a great or lousy day at work, always make it a point to share with your spouse. And when she talks like giving advice, begin developing your listening habits and talk only after she finishes what she wants to say or asks you something.

Likewise when she has her own problems and needs to confide in you, you should do exactly the same.

The last reason is criticizing each others’ faults. More often than not, they become defensive and think each other to be right without realizing their refusal to accept each others’ faults is what caused all their marriage problems. Though accepting criticism is never easy, you should make every effort to in order to maintain your marriage.

After pointing all these problems, my ideal solution is that both husband and wife should sit down and discuss on how to settle their problems. If that did not work out well, they should seek advice from their families and friends. Getting advice from marriage counsellors should be their last resort if that fails as well.

That is the advice I heard from a church friend for all married couples during Valentine’s Day last year and I think it is a great advice.