How To Change Myself To Save My Marriage: How To Change Yourself For Your Husband

How To Change Myself To Save My Marriage: How To Change Yourself For Your Husband

Do I have your attention? Are you thinking I am blaming you for your marriage?

That is not my intention. The reality is, though, that you are searching for help with your marriage. So, there is nothing I can do about your spouse, but there may be something I can do to help you change, or even save, your marriage.

I constantly hear cries of "it's not my fault," or "there's nothing I can do." That misses the fact that in any situation, there are two sides contributing to the problems at hand. It may be that your spouse is the primary problem. But honestly, I always see that there are two sides.

In fact, I have come to see relationships like algebra (no math lesson here, as it is certainly not my favorite subject, but I want to make a point). In algegra, there are always two sides to an equation. And both sides are held together by an "equals" sign. One side must equal the other. Make a shift on one side and you must make the same shift on the other side. In other words, both sides must be kept balanced and equal.

The same is true in marriage. If one person makes a shift, the other person must make a shift, just to keep the relationship equation in balance.

You may have already tried making shifts, and become increasingly frustrated that you can't seem to do anything that makes a difference.

I would submit to you that there is one fundamental shift you can make that will change the relationship: your attitude. One of my favorite writers was Viktor Frankl, survivor of the concentration camps. And my favorite quote from him is "The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one's freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance."

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We tend to give up that freedom. We allow the other person to change and affect our attitude. Often, in the midst of a crisis, we find that we have lost our natural attitude and have become something we are not. It is always possible to choose to correct this.

Let me be more clear: you can choose your attitude. If you do not, the attitude will choose you, and it will likely be negative, short-sighted, ego-centric, and incorrect. A choice in attitude can lead us to hopefulness, patience, understanding, love, respect, and creativity.

Some helpful attitudes:

An attitude of Forgiveness. We can choose to take on an attitude of forgiveness, and simply let our spouse "off the hook" for every small transgression. I am not saying that you just forget major issues. In fact, forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is not allowing the actions to hold you emotionally hostage anymore. More specifically, forgiveness is letting go so that YOU do not have to carry it around. And too often, it is the small issues that do the most damage, the daily "slights" that we build up until we see the other person as despicable.

An attitude of Acceptance. What would it mean to accept your spouse, just like he or she is? No more attempts to change, either directly or by manipulation, your spouse into what you want. You simply accept him or her for who he or she is. That would be a great gift. . . and is the start of true love.

An attitude of Respect. Let's face it: when we live intimately with someone, we see them at their weakest. Sometimes, we see only the weakness and stop seeing the greatness. We, in essence, lose respect. But what if you focused on their strengths, their gifts, their quirkiness, and decided to extend respect? That may revolutionize your relationship.

An attitude of Civility. I was recently listening to a recording about providing good customer service. The expert suggested you remember what has been done to you. Do the things you liked, don't do the things you didn't like. (Sounds a great deal like the Golden Rule!) That would be civility. Don't like to be yelled at? Don't yell. Like to be treated lovingly? Treat lovingly. You get the idea.

So, if you want to change your marriage, start with your attitude. You can probably think of many other attitudes you could choose. Go do it! Transform your marriage!

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When I answered the phone the man on the other end started to throw accusations at me. I was surprise. The person on the other end of the phone completely misread my motives. I started to yell back at him. Suddenly I remembered the words found in Proverbs 15:1. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Now this is how I practiced the words found in Proverbs 15:1. I purposely lowered my voice. Then I said this to my friend. "Sir, you know that would be out of character for me to do such a thing." He agreed and politely ended the call. A few moments later he called back and asked for forgiveness.

When we want to grab our spouse's attention we often yell at them. There may be many reasons why we yell at our spouse. We may be overly zealous to get across our point of view. We may feel desperate to communicate something important to them. Or we may even use the volume of our voice to manipulate our spouse to do what we want them to do."

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But yelling only makes the matter worst. Yelling forces your spouse to build a wall of defense around their life. The more you yell at them the bigger they build a wall of protection around their life. You then find it hard to communicate simple things to one another. And finally, you lose the joy of your relationship.

Let me make this suggestion. The next time you find yourself in an argument with your spouse. Practice the words in Proverbs 15:1. " A soft answer turns away wrath..." Purposely lower your voice. Then focus on solving the problem rather than destroying the person.

As you practice Proverbs 15:1 something exciting will happen in your marriage. The walls between you and your spouse will come down. Your spouse will find it easier to listen to you. You will restore the joy of your relationship. And just as important, you will be able to solve the problems of life.

Now this is the truth of the matter. No one wants to be yelled at. And yelling seldom solves the problem. But a soft voice communicates that you are important to me. I respect you. And I want to solve this problem without destroying you.

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Especially with with women, we've dreamed since way back when, how perfect life would be when we were married. The perfect wedding, the perfect marriage, the perfect family. Dreams are good to have, but we also have to face reality. No marriage is going to be perfect. When you evaluate your expectations in marriage, you will be able to quickly find a happy medium, and have a great marriage!

What makes a great marriage? Is it when the couple are infatuated with each other? They can sit and stare lovingly into each other's eyes for hours at a time? Or that the couple is so in love with each other that nothing else in the world seems to matter?

That's not at all what a marriage is. A good, healthy, solid marriage has its ups and downs. That is how married couples build strong bonds, and will be able to get through any struggles that life brings them - together.

Some people think that since they are living together, that marriage won't change anything. I used to think this way, too, but quickly found out that I was so wrong.

You've won the heart and soul of your spouse, and vice-versa. You don't have to dress fancy all of the time anymore, or constantly dote on your partner.

When you were dating, you went out with each other, and spent a lot of time with each other. you always wanted to be together.

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After you get married, you know that you will always be together. When this happens, couples start to put their time and energy into other things - jobs, kids, etc.

They get comfortable in their relationship, and simply take each other for granted, thinking that they will be there, no matter what.

Have you talked to your spouse about what THEY think a perfect marriage is? Maybe they think it is being comfortable with their spouse. Maybe you think a perfect marriage is spending all of your time together, going on vacations, etc.

If you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, this may very well be a big reason why. your marriage simply isn't living up to your dreams, and it is a disappointment.

Why don't you try to talk to your spouse, find out what they think the perfect marriage is? When the two of you know what each other expects and wants, then you can compromise with each other to have that perfect marriage. Well, maybe not perfect, but close!

When the two of you have similar goals you want to reach, you can work together to reach them. They could be financial, family, religious, or whatever you want. You then work together to reach those goals.

Start with small goals at first. As you reach these goals together, your marriage will become more stable, and happier. The more goals you reach together, the more you can make. This gives you both something to reach for, and it gives you both a sense of accomplishment when the goal gets met.

Being able to reach goals together will build a strong bond between the two of you. Soon, it will feel like the two of you can get through anything together, and your marriage will be closer to meeting your expectations in marriage.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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What men want in a woman is for them to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know about you, but my wife loves occasionally pulling out the odd embarrassing story about me and letting all my mates know about it. She knows I hate it, but she does it anyway. That's OK. What's not OK is when the wife uses that negative aspect of her man as a weapon against him in an argument, simply for the intention to main and hurt. Not cool. There are better ways to make a point in an argument against your man where you don't have to go for the jugular. Here's three ways to argue with respect.

1. Use logic

In general (and that's a very big, "in general), women argue with emotion while men argue with logic. Now, I'm going to get a lot of, "Oh Jack, you're so sexist, that's not true!" I know it's not true, but bear with me here. If you use emotion to argue, you're never going to get anywhere, regardless of what gender you are.

Use logic to argue your argument. Although most arguments tend to be emotional, if both of you try to keep it logical and rational, you actually work things out.

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2. Ask Him What He Wants

Pretty simple, but most people simply end up arguing for the sake of arguing. It's pretty stupid, but people do end up doing that a lot. As someone who studied marketing, I'd like to apply an analogy to this situation.

If you want to solve your market's (your husband's) problem, simply ask him what he wants and give it to him. No point wasting oxygen getting nowhere. Ask him, give it to him, problem solved. He'll get used to doing the same for you.

3. Verbal Judo

This is an effective technique that has been around for quite a few decades now. It basically revolves around the concept of the Japanese martial art, Judo. In Judo, you don't throw punches. You absorb the direction your opponent's punch is going in so no one gets hurt.

In a verbal argument, the equivalent of doing this is asking something like, "I see you're upset about [this]. How would you suggest we fix this problem?" No accusations, no anger. Just cool, calm collectedness.

What men want in a woman is someone who knows how to argue effectively. It's impossible not to argue. If you argue without emotion, you're already half way there. Try these three ways and your man will notice the difference and will appreciate you more afterwards.

Now Listen Carefully-

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