How To Confront A Suspected Cheating Husband / Wife: How To Confront A Cheating Spouse

The manner in which you confront your spouse can make or break the relationship. If you confront your partner at the heat of the moment, you might say something you will regret later on. In order to successfully deal with the situation at hand, you must thoroughly plan it out.

This game plan will take you places. It will guide you on the right things to say, when to say them, and most importantly, how to say them. If you are careful enough in crafting the game plan, you might just be able to salvage the relationship.

1. Gather Enough Evidence

You simply cannot go on the offensive unless you have built a solid case around it. Pure speculation would get you nowhere. It will give your spouse more ammunition against you. Plus, your partner will be more careful not to get caught, making it more difficult for you to pin him down.

Unless you have solid proof of infidelity, you must behave like it is business as usual. This way, your spouse won't get suspicious that you are suspicious, and he or she would continue making the same mistakes over and over again. Soon, it is only a matter of time before you catch your spouse in the act.

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2. Be Careful Not to Get Caught Snooping

If your spouse sees you rummaging through his or her cell phone and laptop, this can start off an argument and would make your partner extra cautious. Remember that your goal is to catch him or her right in the moment of weakness.

If you slip up and make the mistake of getting caught trying to catch him or her, it would blow the whole thing off and you would have no case to begin with. Don't leave trails while on the hunt. Arrange his papers the way they were arranged before you went through them. Hire a taxi instead of using your car when you follow him.

3. Don't Allow the Cheater to Play Mind Tricks on You

People have the tendency to turn the tables and blame you when you catch them right before your eyes. Even with solid evidence, you can still lose the game if you let your spouse twist the issue.

Don't allow him or her to turn this into you. For example, when your spouse tells you that you are being childish, crazy and insecure, say, "Yes, I am all these things. Sure. So who is the guy and how long have you been cheating around?" This play of words is effective in getting the story out of her.

4. Always Be in Control

Don't let the cheater get the best of you by being emotional or irrational about it. Compose yourself in a calm, polite way and show your objectivity through the whole confrontation. If your partner starts tearing up and become overly emotional about it, keep your cool and let him or her be.

Be able to read your spouse's mind. Because of guilt, your partner might try to manipulate you through your emotions. Don't let him off the hook easily. As soon as your spouse has spilled the beans, don't make resolutions right away. Allow a few days to let the dust settle before you initiate another conversation.

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Commonly, men and women hold a distinction in their minds between themselves and their marriage. Their personal self is one thing and their marriage is another.

Perhaps this makes sense at certain levels, but when a marriage has fallen short of what it's meant to be, this notion is problematic. It's problematic because there's often an unconscious concept that it's the "marriage" that needs help rather than one's self.

In other words, the marriage becomes a third-party entity that needs help - but a third-party entity can seem hopelessly hard to help because it involves "other" people.

The solution is to rid yourself of the mostly-unconscious notion that your marriage is an unknown third-party entity without a face and realize that your marriage is you and another person - and that means a FULL 50% of your marriage is completely and totally in your control.

And, when you personally INSIST that your 50% share of the marriage is going to be right and good, it's highly probable that you'll influence the remaining 50% of the marriage to be right and good too.

So, keeping in mind that it's useful and helpful to try to "fix" one's "self" rather than a "marriage", here are three tips YOU can use to make your 1/2 right and good:

1. Become Happier Yourself

While you certainly want to be happy with someone you care about, it's not another person who can make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy.

If you're looking to your spouse to "make you happy" you're sure to be disappointed. And, the more you look to them to make you happy, the unhappier you'll become. And that makes it even more impossible for you to be happy.

But, when you make yourself happier, oddly enough, that's when you can be happier in your marriage TOGETHER.

That means taking personal responsibility for doing things that make you happy.

There is something you can do right now that once you've done it, you can't help but feel happier - and more able to appreciate and enjoy your marriage.

Maybe it's a dance class. Maybe it's a workout at the gym. Maybe it's simply flipping through some picture albums. I'm not sure what it is, but you already know.

Go ahead, scan right on past all of the CANT'S and go right to the CAN'S!

Let go of what you can't do. Let go of what you don't have. Let go of what's unavailable or out of reach for now. Let go of what someone else should or should not have done.

Within the realm of your own personal self and the resources available to you, what can you do right now that will cause you to feel happier?

What is it? Let your mind feed you the answer, right now, and then go do it.

Your marriage will be the happier for it.

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2. Remember To Have Fun

Any and every unpleasantness can not only be more bearable but in some cases it can even be made to be enjoyable when it's mixed with some fun. And, all it takes to have fun is a bit of imagination. Think of small children. Nothing more than a cardboard box and a vivid imagination can lead to an entire afternoon of amazing fun.

A husband and wife I know tell of two years in college where they were financially unable to eat out at even a cheap restaurant. But still, every Friday evening, they would scrape together enough change to buy two tacos apiece from a nearby taco vendor.

Then, as they sat at a rusted old picnic table and ate their tacos they would pretend they were eating delicacies from different countries around the world. They would describe to each other what it was they were eating and how wonderful it was. They would even get into describing the surrounding sights and sounds that accompanied their food.

As silly as this may seem, this couple was able to create powerfully happy memories in spite of it being an extremely difficult and unpleasant time in their lives.

Incidentally, the time eventually came when they did in fact enjoy the delicacies, sights, and sounds that they imagined during those times when they had no money.

What about you? What silly things can you do with your spouse that cost little to nothing but could be immensely fun - and make unpleasant circumstances more bearable?

Could you go to a nearby state or federal park and imagine you're walking in your own private park and the people who work there are your employees whose job it is to take care of the grounds and facilities for you...

Or, could you rope off a ring in your living room and have a pillow-fight where you pretend that you and your spouse are contending for a UFC or WWF Championship? What wild, wacky and weird name would each of you assign to yourselves? What kind of outrageous outfits could you each get into? Do you have one kid who can be the announcer and another who can be the referee?

Possibly, you're feeling better already just for having let your mind imagine yourself being in these silly - yet fun-sounding - scenarios.

What makes a clown funny? It's his or her "clowning" around, right? It's their goofiness, silliness, absurdity, and even utter nonsense that makes them funny, is it not?

You could be goofy, silly, absurd, and nonsensical if you wanted to be, couldn't you?

3. The Only Thing That Doesn't Change Is Change Itself

It's useful to remember that the way things are right now is not how they will always be.

Things WILL change.

And eventually, they change for the better. Experience has shown that no matter how unpleasant things may seem right now, sooner or later things turn around for the good.

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Knowing then that better times are coming, what can you do right at this time to help prepare for - or even to receive - these better times?

What can you do at this time to PRE-ENJOY these better times?

What satisfaction can you garner from merely ANTICIPATING the coming better times?

What are the things that are good and right, now? What do you have and enjoy at this moment that if you lost it, you would really be unhappy?

One exercise that's a real eye-opener is to write down a list of everything that if you didn't write it down, it would be gone tomorrow morning. As a basic yet important example, on your piece of paper, you'd probably want to write down vision since your life would undoubtedly be significantly worse off if you were to lose your eyesight.

When you consider all that you have and enjoy in light of losing it if you don't write it down, you begin to see just how much is right and good in your life.

If arrival at a desired destination is the only time and place one can be happy, then life is destined to be an unhappy affair. And, when you set your mind to it, you can begin to notice and enjoy happiness and satisfaction during the journey to the destination too.


If you'll free yourself to do it, you can make yourself feel better by choosing to do things that make you feel happier.

If you'll let loose your lighter side and activate your imagination, you can make the mundane exciting and the unpleasant bearable - all while creating fond memories that you'll look back on for the rest of your life.

If you'll join yourself to the idea that good sooner or later prevails and that everything eventually turns to the good, and while you share your marriage with your spouse you begin to notice all that is good and right at this time, the path of life becomes so much more enjoyable.

By personally choosing to act on these three tips right away, you begin to do your part to create a happier, more fulfilling marriage.

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Understanding how to deal with marriage problems constructively can be the difference between a life filled with happiness and a divorce. If you and your spouse are currently going through a conflict and you've felt the marriage coming apart, it's disheartening, saddening and frustrating. Loving someone, yet feeling as though you can't continue to live with them, is difficult. If you want to save the relationship and rebuild your marriage so it's stronger than ever, you can do that. There are critical steps you need to be taking, starting now, to rediscover the love between you and your spouse.

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Understanding how to deal with marriage problems effectively begins with recognizing that the dynamic between you and your spouse just isn't what it used to be. Things have changed between you two and you need to acknowledge that. It's natural, if you still love your spouse, to want the problems fixed right now. That usually can't happen if the things you are struggling with are serious. Accept the fact that, for now, your spouse isn't happy. Respect their needs, even if that includes a trial separation. You can accomplish much more agreeing with your spouse than you can fighting with them. Showing them that you are putting their needs before your own will go a long way towards repairing the relationship.

Another way to deal with marriage problems is to listen more and talk less. It's natural to want to get your point across when you and your spouse are facing a conflict. However, it's not going to accomplish anything if you can't hear and absorb your partner's point of view. Agree with them that you two will set aside some time to talk. Then make a promise to each other that you won't interrupt when the other talks. If you can do this and truly listen to one another you can begin to understand what the real problems are and how to begin repairing them.

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Hearing the news that your spouse wants a divorce can be absolutely devastating. But not being given all of the information - and not knowing what is driving his decision to divorce you - is so much worse. And the reason for this is that you can't see what you are fighting against. If you know why he wants a divorce, then you can methodically approach each issue that he may have until none are left standing. But when you are fighting an invisible enemy, then this process is more difficult, but not impossible.

I might hear from a wife who says: "three days ago, my husband came home and, over dinner, very calmly told me that he wants a divorce. I literally dropped my fork. I was so not expecting that. I know that there are sometimes when we struggle to get along and I know that sometimes the intimacy isn't there in the way it was when we first got married. But I never thought that we were headed for a divorce. Not once. After my husband finished his little spiel about wanting to end our marriage, I asked him a very simple question. I asked him why. He said he couldn't really put his finger or any one particular reason and that it was the combination of non specific things that all equals up to the fact that he would rather not be married. Because of his refusal to give me a real reason, I assumed that he was having an affair and that there was someone else. My husband seemed very offended by this, but he would not confirm it or deny it either way. What does it mean when your spouse won't tell you why they want a divorce?"

Honestly, it could mean any number of things. It could mean that he suspects that his reasoning doesn't hold water and that he knows that when he tells you his pitiful or obscure reasons for wanting to turn your world upside down, you are going to poke some serious holes in his theories or debate this with him endlessly. Being told that he is wrong or participating in a debate likely doesn't sound very appealing to him, so he may decide to keep his thoughts and his theories to themselves.

Or, he may feel that his reasons for wanting a divorce are completely sound as far as he is concerned, but he knows that you are not going to agree with him. He knows that you are just not going to buy whatever he is selling and so, to keep him from having to defend himself, he would just rather not engage.

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Another possibility is that he himself is unsure of his reasoning. He may not have any really specific reason that he can put his finger on for wanting a divorce. Rather, he just knows that he is generally not happy and he suspects that he might be happier single. In his mind, there is really nothing to discuss or to debate since he isn't dealing with specifics.

I am not going to tell you that it's not possible that there is someone else. There is always that possibility and this is not an uncommon reason for a man to abruptly indicate that he wants a divorce. But, I think that it can be a mistake to automatically assume that this is always going to be the case because it isn't.

So what can you do when you can't get a grip on his reasons for wanting a divorce? First, you know that things aren't completely immediate. The divorce process does take some time. You aren't likely to be divorced tomorrow, although I know first hand that this is how it feels sometimes. So, as best as you can, try not to panic and try to approach this in a cooperative manner rather than an adversarial one. If you take a stance of "I'm going to fight him every step of the way so that he can't do this to me," then the odds are pretty good that he is only going to want to finish this process more quickly just to be rid of all of the drama. Instead, you want for him to feel like there is no hurry.

Honestly, as this begins to play itself out, you will often get a sense of why he wants a divorce. And, even if not, you can pretty much always safely assume that even if the specific reason is not immediately obvious, he is probably acting out of his assumption that he's going to get something that he wants by divorcing you - whether that is more happiness, or more freedom or whatever.

Your job is to attempt to show him that he doesn't need to divorce you to feel happier or more at peace with himself. I know that this can seem to be a huge undertaking. But, you have to approach it a little bit at a time. You have to be careful not to apply too much pressure so that he doesn't limit your access to him. You want to make sure that you have good conversations or face to face meetings so that he is open to the next one tomorrow or next week. In this way, you slowly begin to build. You slowly begin to change his mind.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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