How To Deal With An Inconsiderate Husband: Is My Husband A Narcissist Or Just Selfish

As they grapple with and struggle with problems and issues in relation to their spouse, many people don't realize what is often the REAL underlying reason for their spouse's uncooperative, damaging attitude and behavior.

For example, there are some men and women who will not admit they are wrong. When a problem or a disagreement arises that involves these people...and their attitude or behavior needs to change so that peace and harmony can ensue, these people will resist the change and flip the matter around so that their spouse...or somebody else...is wrong and at fault...but NEVER them.

The problem with this is that it creates a lop-sided relationship...where one person is always right and the other is always wrong...where one person always wins...and in order to keep the peace, the other must "give in" and "lose"...even though they were not the one in the wrong. This quickly builds resentment and bitterness...which in time WILL destroy the marriage relationship.

As another example, there are some men and women who generally tend to avoid affection, intimacy, and sex. And, it's maddening to their spouse because on rare occasions, these people will be affectionate, intimate, and sexual...and then they are right back to long periods of being non-affectionate, non-intimate, and non-sexual.

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As before, this creates a lop-sided relationship...where one person is always in a position of having to initiate affection, intimacy, and sex...which causes them to feel belittled...and combined with the frequent rejection...causes them to feel unwanted and despised...quickly building the resentment and bitterness that will destroy the marriage relationship.

There are plenty of other examples of problems that could be described but let's move to the question, "What's the REAL underlying reason that a spouse denies or withholds or exhibits other such unappealing, unattractive, uncooperative attitudes and behaviors that are so damaging to a marriage?"

Well, there are multiple reasons but I want to bring out just one BIG ONE in this article: it's because of low self-esteem.

It's frequently the case that a person has such low self-esteem...they have such a weak, fragile ego...that they cannot admit when they are wrong...they are afraid to be affectionate, intimate, or sexual...plug in any number of other problems and issues...and deep-rooted insecurity may well be the REAL underlying reason behind it.

Let's illustrate using sex...and it goes both ways...but let's say the husband is always doing the initiating for closeness...and he is frequently rejected by his wife. In this scenario, many men will begin to THINK that there must be something wrong with them...they can't understand why their wife won't initiate sometimes...or why she won't accept their overture...but whatever the reason is, it must be that they are somehow unattractive, inadequate, or insufficient...especially when they see her dress up for her work environment and act sexy around other men.

In other words, as these men reach out to their wife...and then get spurned by her...they go access their OWN insecurities and fears when in fact, the whole reason they got spurned to begin with was because of the insecurities and fears that their wife HOLDS within herself that blocked her from opening up and sharing closeness with her husband. (But, it's safe to dress and act sexy in a public setting because presumably it's safe there and her underlying insecurities won't be revealed or exposed like they would be in an intimate setting.)

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So, if he wishes to have an affectionate, intimate, and sexual relationship with his wife, a man in this kind of situation must conquer his own fears, insecurities, and self-doubts FIRST so that he can begin to help his wife build up her self-esteem and overcome her fears, insecurities, and self-doubts.

Only THEN, can the two of them move away from a "lop-sided", one-way marriage and into a bi-directional relationship that works for BOTH of them.

So, as you consider your own marriage relationship, realize that a low self-esteem person will exhibit hurtful attitudes and behaviors to those around them...not because they are trying to hurt them...but to keep from being hurt themselves. They'd rather hurt others than face up to their fears, insecurities, and self-doubts. They'd rather hurt others so they can avoid seeing their own faults, failures, inabilities, or limitations.
And by understanding what's really going on, you can begin to handle your marriage relationship problems and issues in a more useful, productive way.

One more thing...you can also begin to notice how low self-esteem, fear, insecurity, and self-doubt cause YOU to behave and operate in unappealing, unattractive kinds of ways that are hurtful and damaging to YOUR spouse...and make the appropriate changes in yourself.

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Background:

When a young man or woman reaches the age of marriage, he or she develops the desire to get married or hook up to somebody. If it is a man, he conjures up in his mind the kind of spouse he would like to have as a wife-her character, behaviors, values, the physique, appearance, the height, color, religion, level of education and so on. Sometimes he begins to fantasize on how he would live with and enjoy his wife. He would start earnestly to work towards achieving his goal of getting married. If he is the religious type that prays, he would start to pray to God to help him get married.

In the same vein, if it is a woman, the desire to have a husband becomes overwhelming. She would also get to fantasize and imagine when she would live with her own husband like others who are already married. In her mind she would also enumerate the qualities of the man she would like to marry her, the person that would take good care of her to the end and give her the satisfaction she desires.

Thus, every man, every woman wishes to have a spouse, a good one, that he/she would live a happily married life with. To some people this might lead to searches by having lovers or girl/boyfriends in order to get the right one. If after being successful, the D-day, the wedding day (whether court wedding, church wedding or traditional wedding, depending on their culture) when it eventually arrives, to the majority, is said to be the happiest day in their life.

Ironically, this happiness, to many people does not last very long. And so, unfortunately today, those wishes of happily married life have not been realized by many.

The questions to ask here is, why is it so? What are the causes of these misunderstandings that lead to marriage breakdowns? The reasons are not far fetched. I have to list hereunder the reasons:

REASONS FOR OR CAUSES OF MARRIAGE BREAKDOWNS:

The following are the reasons for or causes of marriage breakdowns:

1. Different Backgrounds and upbringing.

2. Different exposures and educational backgrounds.

3. Different religious backgrounds.

4. Sexual incompatibility.

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5. Age difference/generational gap.

6. Infidelity.

7. Extended families and financial issues (most common in Africa where extended family system is in vogue)

8. Drunkenness and late night keeping.

9. No child or childlessness.

10. Intrusion of a third party in a family dispute.

The major causes of marriage breakdowns enumerated above are by no means exhaustive. There may still be others. But we have to concentrate on the ones above.

Let us make some detailed explanations on some of the points enumerated above.

Different Backgrounds and upbringing

It is definite that the spouses that are joined together do come from different families and sometimes from different cultures, from different villages or towns. They may also come from different tribes or even from different countries. From the above settings, it is natural that there would be differences at the initial stage, but it does not always stop there. It sometimes lingers on for a long time and creates chaos or crisis between spouses.

Different exposures and educational backgrounds.

Different exposures and educational backgrounds can also bring friction between couples. It is unbelievable and sometimes worrisome that one of the spouses would suddenly see himself or herself as more superior to the other in terms of education and exposures. This may seem unbelievable, but it is a fact. This happens when the infatuation had died down and he or she begins to see himself or herself as having made a mistake at the initial time. He or she begins to see himself or herself as more superior to the spouse. It is argued in some quarters (especially by women) that it is more common in men while others (especially men) argue that it is more common in women. When this happens, the one who sees himself or herself as more highly educated begins to look down on the other. If it is a man, he may go further to contemplate marrying another woman he feels that meets his standard. If it is a woman she may discreetly have a boyfriend that she feels has the standard she wants.

With this, the marriage relationship begins to hit the rock.

Different religious backgrounds and beliefs.

Where the couple comes from different religious backgrounds and beliefs, there is bound to be some problems at the initial stage and may last for a long time if understanding is not shown by the couple. Disagreements may arise from time to time if not nipped in the bud. But one wonders why a couple that knew from the initial stage while they were dating and courting that they were of different religious backgrounds would now begin to quarrel now that they are joined together as husband and wife.

Sexual Incompatibility.

This is another monster that has caused a lot of havoc in marriage relationships. It has caused a lot of separations and divorces especially in the western world. It has led to adulterous living in marriages.

Sexual incompatibility manifests itself where the husband cannot meet up with the sexual desires of the wife or vice-versa. One of the major causes of this is impotence or sexual dysfunction on the part of the man or rigidity in bed on the part of the woman. Sexual rigidity is where the woman does not respond positively to the romantic touches and sexual acts of the man. She stays like a log of wood in the bed without any desired response to the husband and this puts the man laboring alone.

Impotence or sexual dysfunction is where there is little or no erection of the penis of the man. And this puts the woman frustrated while in bed with the man. Her sexual desires are not fulfilled. She derives no pleasure at all in her sexual acts with her spouse. When this happens the center begins to disintegrate.

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I have given detailed explanations on four of the ten reasons for or causes of marriage breakdowns listed above. The rest six are easily understandable even without further detailed explanations. I will now go further to discuss about the remedies.

What are the Remedies for marriage breakdowns? Or simply put it, what is the Remedy?

The remedy is the PRICE to pay. And what is the price? The PRICE to pay is LOVE. LOVE is the price to pay for sustained happy marriage.

What is LOVE?

To some people it is easy to define or explain love. To others it is very complex to define or explain. For the latter group, Love is so complex that it will take some difficulty to define or explain.

Whether it is easy to define or explain love, or not, it is not easy to practice love. Otherwise, there would not have been crisis or breakdowns such as separations or divorces in marriage. There would not have been killings, fighting, wars, etc. in our societies. But it takes courage, determination and commitment to practice and show love.

Explanations/Definitions of Love.

Various answers from different angles and various definitions have been proffered as to the meaning of LOVE depending on the angle one sees it. But let us see what the Holy Bible says about LOVE. It says, "GOD is LOVE". 1 John 4:8.

The new Oxford Advanced Dictionary goes further to define Love as "A Strong feeling of deep affection for somebody or something". Another dictionary defines Love as "A strong positive emotion of regard and affection".

From the above definitions, we can make out from Love as "A STRONG FEELING OF DEEP AFFECTION" or "STRONG POSITIVE EMOTION OF REGARD AND AFFECTION" for somebody or something. In other words, real Love must be strong and positive deep affection or regard for somebody. And if we go further to combine the dictionary definitions or meanings and the quotation from the Holy Bible that God is Love, we can see that Love is not just a mere emotional attachment that is based on physical attractions. Rather, Love is spiritual. Love is deep. Love is strong. Combining them together we can say Love is strong, deep, spiritual affection that has no pre-condition attached to it. Love is by far more than mere emotional attachment especially if we agree that God is Love. So, if God is Love, then Love is encompassing, embracing and open ended. Above all, Love is God.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

QUALITIES OF LOVE.

What are the qualities of Love?

Let us go back to the Holy Bible to know what qualities of Love are. 1st Corinthians 13: 1-8, 13 says, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of Angels, but have not love, I am a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain, faith, hope, and love. But the greatest is Love".

It is clear from the above that there are 15 qualities that true Love must possess and for purposes of clarity, let me extract them out from the quotation and list them below:

1. Love is patient.
2. Love is kind.
3. Love does not envy.
4. Love does not boast.
5. Love is not proud.
6. Love is not rude.
7. Love is not self-seeking.
8. Love is not easily angered.
9. Love does not keep record of wrongs.
10. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
11. Love always protects.
12. Love always trusts.
13. Love always hopes.
14. Love always perseveres.
15. Love never fails.

Love is therefore the REMEDY to all marriage problems. It is Love that brings long lasting relationships in all our endeavors. It is love that brings peace in all our relationships. It is Love that sustains marriages and brings happiness to the relationships.

LOVE IS THE ANSWER WHEN WE PRACTICE AND SHOW IT APPROPRIATELY TO OUR SPOUSES BASING OUR LOVE ON THE ABOVE 15 QUALITIES.

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Author's Bio: 

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