How To Get Your Husband To Communicate: How To Talk With Husband After Marriage

From my experience when working with people. One of reoccurring themes that I find myself reiterating or speaking to clients about is the importance of communication. In my opinion, communication is essential. It is the only way that we are able to let others know how we are feeling, what we think, and more importantly what we think or feel about others and their actions. Often times, I feel that people who are engaged in relationships (weather it be a friendship, romantic relationships, or family relationship) think if a person is close to them... then they should be able to read their minds, or anticipate their feelings. The problem with this line of thinking is that when the person on the other end, does not not respond as expected, this leads to many hurt feelings. If this does not make sense to you, I would like to explore this theory further. Let's take this example:

There is a husband and wife. The wife has expressed wanting to see a movie for the past three weeks. When the day of the opening movie comes out, she sees that her husband is lounging around the home with no intentions to go anywhere. To make matters worse, the tickets are sold out and even if she could talk him into going out of the house, she would not be able to see the movie anyway. So what does she do? Like many of us would do in this situation. The wife ignores her husband or when he does speak to her she responds in an angry tone. This goes on for days, affecting the quality in their relationship, and making a minor problem bigger than it ever needed to be.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking:

If she had been talking about the movie, then he should have known to take her.

He just did not care or was not listening to his wife when she talked about the movie.

However, this thought process only brings me back to the point that you should never expect anyone to read your mind, wants, or needs. In this case the husband probably had no idea, why his wife was upset. Now in this above situation, would it have been hard for the wife to say

"You know honey, the movie that I really want to see is opening next weekend, do you want to see it with me on opening night?"

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I feel that this simple question could have avoided a days worth of silent treatments, arguments, and whatever else over the fact that a husband missed a cue on taking his wife to the movies.

Let me give another example regarding friendships, and I know many people may be able to relate to.

Here we have two friends and we will call them Jen and Jane. Jane has two children and is a single mother. Jen, is married with a child of her own. Jane reveals to Jen how frustrated she is, and that she feels that she needs a break. Jane also hints that Jen is lucky to have a husband to help her and that she wishes she had someone to help her with her two children so that she can relax. After this conversation, Jen empathizes with Jane and that is the extent of it. Jane becomes angry, that Jen did not offer to watch her children for her. Jane then proceeds to not talk to Jen for two days. When she sees that Jen is unaffected, she becomes explosive at Jen, tells her she is selfish for not offering to watch her children for her and exchanged some other not so nice words.

Many friendships, end or go into a bad place over something so simple as a miscommunication. First, Jen may have thought that Jane was just venting about her situation, and may not know that Jane even wanted to her to watch her children. Jen, may have also had importance plans of her own that prevented her from offering to watch her children. Whatever, the case may be, as with the first case, this situation may have been avoided. If Jane would have simply asked Jen to watch her children for the weekend so that she could get some rest. Now of course if Jen refused, then Jane may has still gotten angry yes, however this goes beyond communication but rather having realistic expectations of another person, and respecting their personal life.

I know the above seem like very simple examples, but this is so that you can get an understanding of my point. I challenge each of you to examine your relationships with people that you may not be in a good place in right now. I challenge you to ask yourself is the negative impact of your relationship because of something that you expected that other person to know, or do for you, because you dropped settle hints. Instead of dwelling on it, address the issues head on.

Lets take the two examples above on how the situation could be corrected once the damage is done.

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Scenario one:

The wife could simply say " You know husband, it really hurt my feelings that I did not go to opening night at the movies, after I had been talking about it for three weeks. I really expected you to take me, and when that did not happen I got upset."

Notice the construction of the way this statement was made. She did not accuse or say

" I am mad because you didn't take me to the movies."

Instead she put some responsibility on herself, that way it doesn't seem like she is attacking him, which could start an argument or make things worse.

In the second scenario, Jane did express herself, but in the wrong way. Instead of lashing out, the conversation could have went like this.

" Jen, when I mentioned about being stressed and wanting someone to watch my kids for me this weekend. Even though I did not say it directly, I was really hoping that you would have offered, and I would like to apologize to you for becoming angry with you for that."

In this one an apology is in order. It is unreasonable for Jen to expect her friend to watch her children, Jen after all is married and has her own responsibilities. Yes it would be a polite gesture for Jen to watch Jane's children, but in no way is she obligated to do so, and therefore Jane has no right to really be upset. With that being said, it would only be logical to both communicate your feelings and when needed apologize for your wrong doings.

As you go about your day, really try to reflect on how you interact with others, reflect on the expectations that you have on others. If you feel your are a person that expects someone to telepathically receive communication from you, without you verbalizing it. Try being open, honest, and most importantly respectful about your communication, and see how much further it gets you.

Now Listen Carefully-

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One aspect of understanding men that makes some women somewhat fearful is the idea of being too reliant on their man. Don't get me wrong, us guys love to be there for our woman. At the same time, the prospect of being married to someone who we have to look after 24/7 is a turn off. Women who are independent are extremely attractive to us as well, but we find the perfect balance is a woman who knows what she wants and gets it herself, but also relies on us to for certain things that she can't get herself. Here's how to know if you're being too reliant on us.

1. We Start Making Excuses

This is probably one of the first signs that we're getting a bit tired of being called on. It's something small and we probably do it without even thinking, but it does happen often.

The worst thing is that since it's so easy to slip in, it's easy for it to get worse and worse. If the woman gets accusatory and starts confronting the man about this, it's probably sign to you that you're being too reliant on us.

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2. You Stop Saying "Thanks"

This is a reason that actually starts with you. We want to be depended on, but we want to be acknowledged for it. I know it sounds sort of selfish, but you know just as well as I do that relationships are all about mutual appreciation.

You know that when you start asking for it as if it's something that should simply happen without you asking for it that it's gone too far. Say thanks and mean it and we'll stay with you and keep doing it.

3. You Don't Do The Same For Us

In a way, relying on us "too much" is something that can be counterbalanced by you doing stuff for us. We guys rely on you for help as well. We do need things from you that we can't get anywhere else.

Imagine that you were doing a lot of stuff for us without acknowledgment. How would you feel? You would probably feel that we're not worth it. You might consider leaving us for it. That's how we would feel about it too. If you're doing all the asking but he's not, there's a good chance that he's packing his bags as you're reading this.

Understanding men comes back to basic principles of mutual respect. Respect your man, what he does and that he requires acknowledgment from you to keep doing what he does. Rely on him, but always seek ways to be more independent and to do things yourself too. Also, don't forget to offer him help for things that he wants. It has to be give and take in a relationship for it to work out in the long-run.

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It is very common to use the phrase "I love you" when speaking to someone whom you wish to believe that you care for them deeply. Sometimes men use it after a first date hoping to score big with a beautiful woman. Sometimes a woman says it hoping a man will reciprocate the same feelings to her. But what does it really mean?

Love does not mean the same thing to everyone. To some people, love has no meaning at all. In order to really understand what a person means when they say "I love you" we must grasp the concept under which they are using the word.

One word use to express love is the same word used to describe friendship (philio from which we get the word philosophy). It is this feeling of being there for someone who you may not be related to by blood. Think about that childhood friend who has stuck by you through thick and thin. That person loves you as a person loves a family member. Sometimes we have friends in our lives who love us more than family members.

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Another word that means love is sex. Sex (eros from which the root word erotic comes from) is not a dirty word but means a desire to connect with someone physically. Sadly so many people think that because they have sex they have found love. But nothing is further from the truth.

You can have sex without love but when two people are attracted to each other by love (and are not blood relatives) then sex may ultimately come from their attraction. I believe it is very hard to just meet someone and after one date be in love. No, you may be in love with the sex you just had but not truly in love with them.

The third word used to express love is the word Agape which means "selfless love". This is the love from which we sacrifice. It is when you see someone in a burning building and you rush in to save them without knowing who they are or expecting them to do anything for you in return. This is the highest form of love because the other two forms do expect to receive from the one they are giving to.

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