In the first throes of passion, desire never seems to be much of a problem. We are so focused on the
newness of the situation – the person, the sensations, etc-- that our attention can more easily stay on the erotic. That focus on erotic thoughts keeps our bodies primed for sex. But after time with the same partner, our brain gets distracted more easily. And when our thinking is taken off the erotic, arousal drops.

Sex drive is unpredictable at the best of times. The desire for sex can be low, stopping us from having sex at all, or it can wane in the middle of sex, inhibiting us from reaching orgasm.

In order to keep arousal high, we need to find ways that will keep our focus firmly in the erotic.

One way to keep focus is by talking dirty. Why does it work?

1. Talking engages the mind. When we think of what to say, or how to say it, we have less space
to get distracted. And if the talk is sexual, we are more likely to stay engaged in the erotic. And
every minute we stay with the erotic is one more minute we are more likely to get aroused.

2. Talking, by its very nature, is a way to connect with our partner. Dirty talk keeps erotic thoughts alive. Your erotic thoughts get mixed with your partner's erotic thoughts to create a bigger space for erotic energy. It is an erotic space that the two of you create together.

How to make it work for you.

Choose the method that would most likely lead to your arousal, without distracting you. There are
many ways to dirty talk. Choose your favorite.

1. Use a favorite fantasy: Talk about what you would like to happen, or what you would like to
do to the other person. This is one of the most common ways to talk dirty.
2. Use your partner's fantasy: If you are falling low on ideas, engage with your partner to
describe what they would like to do or fantasize about.
3. Use detail: Think about the part of a fantasy, movie scene, etc that arouses you most. Describe it in such detail that your partner can smell, see and feel it.
4. Use listening: A big part of talking dirty is reacting to your partner's talk. If you are in listening mode you can still contribute to the topic by interjecting words, sounds or body motions to encourage the talker and even direct the conversation.
5. Use turn-taking: Take turns lobbing back and forth your ideas to create a bigger story that is created by your sexual connection.

Avoid these common sticking points.

It is common to feel a little performance anxiety when you first start talking dirty. You don't have to be a wordsmith , and anyone can do it. Knowing your comfort level around words can be the key factor to understand which type of dirty talk will work best for you.

Don't force yourself. If you are one of those people who gets anxious over talking, listen to your partner instead. Let them excite you.

Don't become inflexible or get “stuck” on one thing. If something isn't working, change it. Look for feedback from your partner. Are they into what you are saying? Are you?

Be prepared. Don't go into any situation without having some idea of what you would like talk about. (want to find out more about your own arousal type? Get an automatic response here)

Don't let low desire control you. Learn more tips to increase desire, and make you a better, more satisfied lover.

Learn How to Talk Dirty:

Find the best places to practice, that are safe and fun:

Author's Bio: 

Beatrice Fox has dedicated her life to makes sure we stay connected with other human beings. She has a BA in Psychology, MPH and sex therapy training from SFSI and in SAR in San Francisco. She is a sex educator and author of many articles and is a member of American Association of Sex Educators and has certificates in liberal art and erotology.

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