Husband Makes Everything About Himself: My Husband Always Thinks About Himself

Husband Makes Everything About Himself: My Husband Always Thinks About Himself

Many women sadly say the phrase, "my husband ignores me," each and every day. Marriage is a partnership that is built on mutual love and affection. When one side of that equation starts to disappear, everything within the relationship becomes off balance. If you are tired of living in a relationship with a man who you feel takes you for granted, now is the time to make some changes. If you're committed to making your marriage work because you love your husband, you have a challenge ahead of you. It's certainly not insurmountable though. You have the power to completely transform your relationship with your spouse so you can get all the love and affection you need and want from the man you married.

Talking to your husband is essential if you feel that he's ignoring you. You need to do this in a very delicate and non-accusatory way. Plan some time alone with him and then gently tell him that you've been feeling a bit neglected lately. Naturally, every man will respond differently to this. He may become defensive and if that's the case, pushing the issue will likely only result in you ending up feeling more disconnected from him and hurt. If he seems shocked, then it's obvious that he had no idea that his actions were causing you to feel that way. In that case, just explain what you've been noticing and what you can do together to change things.

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Unfortunately, most women will be confronted by a man who just doesn't understand why she's feeling ignored. This is natural as men become so immersed in other parts of their life, notably work, that they just can't clearly see how it's impacting their marriage. Fighting with him over this issue will probably make him pull back even more. Instead, you need to work alone to change it. That may seem impossible, but it's actually not that difficult at all.

Have you ever sat back and thought about how dramatically your life has changed since you married? For most of us, it has meant a loss of part of ourselves. It's challenging to find the right balance between time for you and time for your children and husband. Your own identity can get washed away and you end up being primarily a caregiver. You need to change that now and start focusing more on you. Your husband fell in love with and was enthralled with a dynamic, interesting and confident woman. You need to find that woman inside yourself again. Don't get caught up in the idea that you're doing this primarily for his benefit. You're not. Once you work on becoming more of the woman you want to be, your husband is going to sit up and take notice.

Right now the man you married is essentially taking you for granted. You have the tools and the knowledge to change that. Put yourself at the top of your priority list and watch how quickly his attitude changes.

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"I thought marriage and having a family would really be more about sharing and having fun together" "What I am finding is that it feels like all the light and energy have been sucked out of me, and I am miserable and feeling hopeless!" So spoke a mother of four struggling with depression and intense feelings of inadequacy. She then recounted her belief system about marriages that they "should" be a joining where both husband and wife feel seen, understood, giving and receiving of attention and love, and her disappointment at feeling like her relationship with her husband of eleven years was one-sided, where she was constantly ignored and treated as being unimportant.

"Why does it always have to be only about him?" "When do I get to have my needs consider?" In work done by Jeffery Young PhD he discusses how skewed thinking can emerge when people become overly self-referenced or self-absorbed. The partner or parent that is self-absorbed certainly does not adequately meet the psychological, emotional or social needs of their family members. That one of the damaging effects of being involved with the self-absorbed is that it frequently feels as if they lack the ability to be consistently considerate, sensitive, empathic and caring.

This may actually be a resultant thinking and emotional pattern developed in childhood when social and emotional needs failed to be met and the individual learned to focus primarily on their own needs. The thought of others people's wishes does not come instinctively to them, and without significant prompting they will likely not think of them and even when they do think of others feelings and needs they may respond poorly. In the case above the woman's own strategy to get her need met was to take care of others, and she frequently put other's needs ahead of her own, but never felt that these efforts were reciprocated by her husband, or for that matter her children.

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Offra Gerstein PhD has stated that the childhood of self-referenced individuals is often devoid of empathic and compassionate parenting. That a brilliant, if personally costly survival strategy is to become increasingly self-centered which is a preoccupation with attempting to meet those early attachment and bonding needs. Dr. Robert Rhoton of Psychological Health and Wellness suggests that attachment is about the degree that one feels emotionally connected to others, and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor the predictable nature of the emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This appreciably reduces trust and the calm expectation of support that human beings rely on to feel a part of a community or family. Additionally, it is not uncommon to find individuals that grow to adulthood in this dynamic learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawal and victimization of self.

There are two courses of action to help this very sad woman to improve how she feels about the situation she finds herself. First is to look her patterns of getting her own needs met and what she expects in relationship to others. She has traditionally shown love by be focused on the wants and needs of others at the sacrifice of her own well being, this was a strategy to meet her own needs for attachment and bonding, but that strategy has put her at risk of finding friends, and a marriage partner that the equivalent of emotional black holes that are sucking the energy she offers in every increasing amounts. She began working on setting more balanced boundaries with others, articulating what she expected not waiting for them to intuitively "know" as she did what she might want, prefer or feel.

After working on the first part of dealing with her own patterns and needs, this very competent young mother and wife began to realize that she had to see things differently, and react differently to her husband. The following are things she developed in therapy that worked for her, they are not being offered as a set of guidelines that will work for all, but simply as a review of what worked for her.

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The actions she took to deal with a self-absorbed husband:

1. She changed how she viewed her husband, rather than continue to see him as intentionally ignoring or hurting her, she decided that he was emotionally wired differently, and that his personality had been impacted, that he truly cared for her and his family, but did not know how to adequately express or show it.

2. She began to see herself differently, rather than her tendency to see his self-absorbed ignoring behavior as a criticism of, or lack of feeling for her, she began to look for self-esteem and worth with in herself.

3. Abstained from judging herself based on others inability to express love, devotion or caring.

4. She began to express exactly what she expected in simple exchanges. "smile when you see me walk into a room"; "greet me with a hug and a kiss"; "hold my hand as we walk into the store"

5. Practiced gratitude that she is an empathic individual, capable of emotional connection with others.

6. Focus on reaction to her husband's underlying needs. She developed a belief that underneath her husband's self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. She became very specific with compliments and expressions of merit

After six months of therapy, the woman felt much relief, had decided to stay in the marriage and was clear about what to expect from her husband. This might not be everyone's choice for how to deal with difficult and self-absorbed marital partners, but for this woman as she became stronger and truly compassionate toward her husband, the relationship improved and she felt worthwhile.

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Think back for a moment to the days leading up to your wedding day. Depending on how long you and your husband have been married this may take some effort on your part. Chances are that you'll remember the feelings more than the actual moments. You likely felt cherished, adored and respected. You felt confident in the choice you were making in a life partner. Your husband was the man for you and there was no doubt in your mind about it. Now, it's a couple of kids, a mortgage and many conflicts later. How are you feeling about your marriage now? Any woman in your position will generally feel the same way as you probably do. You still love your guy but you now notice that the perfect union you thought you were getting into has a few cracks here and there. One of those imperfections may be in how your husband relates to you. A very common complaint among married women is that their husband doesn't respect their feelings. Is that something that you can relate to?

It's incredibly hard to be in a marriage when you feel that your husband doesn't respect what you feel. It makes you feel insignificant and undervalued. Your feelings for your husband are bound to change if you sense that he cares less about your emotions. You may begin to resent him which can undermine the foundation of your marriage and, in turn, the relationship you both have with your children. It's a serious problem and it's not one that will suddenly repair itself. You need to take ownership for what is going on within the marriage because it's highly unlikely that your husband will take any steps towards changing the situation.

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In fact, your husband may actually be oblivious to the fact that you feel disrespected in this regard. Men aren't always born with the same emotional insight that we are. Your husband may just disconnect himself at times because he has grown tired of listening to you talk about what is bothering you. That's not to say that he doesn't care about you, but he may feel he can't help you in any significant way so he instead tunes you out. You absorb that as his not caring when in fact, he just doesn't feel emotionally equipped to provide any help.

There's no way around talking with him about this. Some women become so emotional when they feel neglected in this way, that they take to playing games with their husband. They start using the silent treatment only to discover their husband doesn't notice. Or some women huff and puff around the house hoping their spouse will recognize that their upset. What usually happens is the husband in question silently decides his wife is having a bad day and just gets out of her way.

Talk to your husband. Explain to him that you feel that he doesn't show your feelings the respect they deserve. It's very important that you cushion this with some positive reinforcement. A great example is if you tell your husband how grateful you are that you two are still together and still devoted to making the marriage as happy as possible. If he understands that you have only good intentions, he'll be much more willing to help you deal with any issues that are bothering you.

Guide him towards a better balance by making suggestions of ways he can help you manage your feelings. Men welcome this type of feedback as it gives them a roadmap they can follow instead of having to navigate the tricky road of emotions on their own. Take his hand and show him what you need from him emotionally and he'll be more willing to supply it.

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