Is My Marriage In Trouble: Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble What To Do About It

A marriage is something that is meant to last a lifetime. At least, that is the ideal. And, many couples do make it through their lives while staying married together until truly death does them part.

Still, the ability to stay together and stick out the tough times does not necessarily mean that the marriage is a happy or healthy one. People who are married to each other are not meant to just kill time as a married couple. Their life together needs to have frequent moments of joy and an underlying sense of contentedness.

As the years go by in a marriage, it can be easy to lose sight of whether you are truly happy together. It is hard to know what is normal and healthy and what needs to be fixed.

For example, everyone has a thing or two about their marriage that they wish were different. The trouble is, it is sometimes hard to know whether we should just put up with those things about our marriage we do not love, or whether we should actively be trying to make them better. In order to differentiate these things, sometimes it can help to get a little bit of perspective on the situation.

If you are wondering, "Do I have a healthy relationship with my husband?", here are 5 ways to tell:

1. You willingly and often choose to spend time together:

Most people are so busy these days that it can seem like that they sometimes go days between having real quality time to themselves. And, it can be equally hard sometimes to find time for one's spouse.

However, no matter whether you are super busy or whether your life is fairly quiet and clutter-free at this point in time, one sign of a healthy relationship is that you both go out of your way to make time to be together as often as you can.

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2. You each show evidence of thoughtfulness toward each other:

Most relationships are somewhat one-sided, whereby either the husband or the wife is a "giver" and their spouse is a "taker." Still, regardless of what role you and your husband each play, there should be times when you both show each other a measure of thoughtfulness and kindness. This goes beyond just doing what is expected, but rather it has to do with going out of your way to be kind to your spouse.

3. Both of you plan for your long-term future together:

You and your husband probably have different roles in your relationship and in your household. For example, maybe one person handles bringing in income for the family while the other manages household expenses. But regardless of your specific roles, a good sign that your relationship is doing well is if you both often speak and think in terms of your long-term future together. Doing so indicates that you are planning to be together for a long time.

4. You laugh at each other's jokes:

Laughter and humor is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If you can laugh at each other's jokes and truly find each other funny, mark one for yourselves in the "healthy" column.

5. You have a healthy sex life:

For most people, having a regular sexual relationship is a sign of a healthy marriage. You do not need to be doing it twice a day to qualify, either. As long as both of you enjoy sex and have it frequently enough to more or less satisfy both of you, consider your sex life to be a healthy one.

Consider these 5 ways to tell whether you have a healthy relationship. If you have concluded that your relationship needs a bit of work (or a lot of work), don't worry. Just get yourselves on the path to learning how to make your relationship a healthy one again.

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You may be in a bad place in your relationship by the time you are wondering "How to save my marriage...?" Usually by the time this is happening, it has been some time since the problems first started appearing. Over time, anger and resentments have built up, and it may take some time and effort to bring your relationship back from the point of breaking up, but, have faith, you can do it.

So where do you start?

There are a number of steps that you will need to take in order to save a marriage.

First of all, you will be desperate to make your marriage work, otherwise you would not be here; but, your partner also must have a strong desire to make it work. If only one of you is working on saving your marriage, then it will be that much harder, if not impossible.

I am not saying that it can't be done, but the techniques used in turning your marriage around without the support of your partner are quite different to those used when both of you are working on it together.

Of course, if your partner does not want to stay in the relationship and they do not love you, then not a lot can be done. My partner did not want to stay in our marriage at one point and even left, but he still loved me, and eventually we were able to get back together and heal our marriage.

There needs to be love between you, even if things are bad, in order for there to be a positive solution to your question, "How to save my marriage?"

So, the first step is that you are both willing to work on your relationship.

The next step is to isolate and identify the problems; the causes of the dissension between you. It is important not to attribute blame, or attack the other person. Nothing will be achieved by this apart from further alienating each other. Rather, take responsibility for your part in this, and search for solutions that you can see and are willing to offer; tell your partner what you are willing to change to make the solutions work. See the issues as being outside of yourselves, and that you are a team working on finding the best solution that will make both of you happy.

Perhaps some of the reasons you are having difficulties is that you don't really talk much anymore, or you've forgotten to tell your spouse how much you love them and appreciate them. Perhaps one or both of you are having personal problems, like feeling anxious about something, or feeling vulnerable because something happened to you, that your partner may not be aware of.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

The root of your difficulties may be a simple misunderstanding, or it could be an inability to communicate about the deep, personal issues. Until you learn how to open up and share with your closest 'mate,' you will continue to feel disconnected from each other, suffering frustration and hurt.

So, step two in answering your question; how to save my marriage, is focus on identifying the root causes, the real problems that are undermining your relationship.

The final step in this exercise is getting the help you need to get you both back on track with each other. If you are unable to communicate effectively with each other, then it is time to learn how. Learning how to communicate well entails choosing what you say carefully and saying it carefully. It is not always what you are talking about that is the issue, but how you put it across. If your lover is feeling attacked or belittled by your words, then they will react to them, rather than think and then respond. Unless there is a 'win-win' scenario, you both lose.

You could find a good counsellor to help, or if your partner is reluctant to talk about your personal 'stuff' in front of a stranger, then get a good relationship book to help.

If you are both committed to making it work then you will both want to learn how to talk to each other so that you are happy with the conversation, and the outcome - rather than anxious.

Step three of this answer is, get help - especially if you are feeling stuck and don't know what to do.

Sometimes you do know what the issue is, but don't know how to talk about it without hurting your spouse, and so your frustration builds. It doesn't have to be that hard, just learn how to communicate in a way that your partner understands, without them feeling 'got at.'

When you are wondering, "How to save my marriage?" you can use these three steps to help you get your marriage back on track. You will be making up for 'lost time' before you know it!

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Okay so I am a consultant that travels the world. Had to expect the marriage to take a hit, yet nothing like what happened. Fighting about every little thing. Yelling, sleeping on the couch, Walking on egg-shells and that sick feeling deep in your stomach. I tried everything, every book, every friend, every MP3, and even counseling.

I was on my my to a divorce.

One day i was flipping with the remote the TV and came across Dateline NBC and saw Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. a consultant for Dateline NBC and a author. He caught my attention because of the statistic that was told - he had 80% success rate at fixing marriages and the national average was 20%.

After getting his eBook and reading it I started to apply what he said. There was no magic change that day, but one week later there was a dramatic transformation in my marriage...

There were no angry arguments.

There was no more sleeping on the couch.

There was No name-calling or tearing -down of each other.

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The sick feeling was gone!

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Look - I got lucky because I found this resource. it worked. I feel like this was my last chance to save my marriage.

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Few people enter into marriage thinking that it wouldn't last - at least not consciously. The majority of us wish for a lasting and lifelong relationship, offering the happiness of a shared life and a family.

But the statistics on divorce show that there has been increased wreckage on the seas of matrimony, with people hurt, families torn apart, lives badly affected. It is true that the rate in divorce in Australia has slowed during the last 30 years, but in the year 2000, more marriages ended due to divorce than due to death of one of the spouses.

Divorce is anticipated to end 32 percent of current marriages. And it's a rising trend. "Rates experienced in real cohorts married during the 1960s are lower than current expectations while rates for those married from the mid 1970s onwards are close to current expectations. These trends indicate that divorce rates approaching 40% by thirty years of marriage may well be observed during the early years of the new century and thereafter hold for some time." - from "DIVORCE RATES BY LENGTH OF MARRIAGE - SUMMARY OF METHODS AND RESULTS", a paper delivered by Andrew Webster at the 10th Biennial Conference of the Australian Population Association (2000).

Is There Anything To Prevent Marriage Breakdown?

Marriages follow no generic pattern; when two people have entered into that intimate bond, there are many elements that can negatively buffet the marriage. External problems (finance, work, etc.) can quickly affect the inner being of one or both of the spouses, and this adds increased stress, sometimes reverberating from one to the other of the couple.

That means that there's no easy answer to the issue of marriage breakdowns. Any solution must of necessity be multi-faceted - but there is strong evidence that links relationship education / relationship counselling with successful marriages.

But Our Marriage Isn't In Trouble!

Seeking relationship education is sometimes seen as a remedy - but by the time a relationship is in trouble (or recognised to be in trouble), wounds will already have been inflicted on both husband and wife. That means both parties have to deal with FIXING a problem.

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It's been demonstrated that either premarital counselling/education or relationship counselling/education soon after the marriage is linked to a higher probability of a marriage that will remain healthy. Avoidance of potential difficulties is a much better course than fixing problems later on. As Dr Belinda Hewitt stated in her paper titled "Marriage Breakdown in Australia", there are "known risk factors for marital failure", related to "patterns of negative interaction". The handling of conflict is a major issue. Encouragingly, she also states that "[s]tudies have shown that couples can be taught critical skills that are useful for handling common relationship conflicts (e.g., money, children, chores, and sex. The evidence that couples can learn to communicate less negatively and more positively is quite robust."

But We Love Each Other!

The saying is that "Love is blind", but the stardust of love usually does wear off, leaving couples to love each other with more discerning eyes than in the first flush of romance.

When marriages break down, it's not that someone waved a magic wand and removed the love in an instant. Rather, it's a process that results from ongoing conflicts, issues, interactions and developments. To keep love alive, one makes the choice of love each day; one learns mutual sharing, mutual interest, mutual connection.

There are tools of perception and behaviour which greatly increase the chances of a marriage surviving the tempests that may crash against it. It makes sense not to leave love in a vulnerable and unguarded place in the heart - but rather to protect it with all the tools at one's disposal.

Should Marriage Celebrants Be Telling Us About This?

Australia recognises the importance of relationship education, and it's not just something that is a good idea for celebrants to discuss with the bride and groom - it's actually obligatory.

Quoting from the material provided by the Attorney-General's Department: "The Code of Practice, applicable to celebrants authorised by the Commonwealth, also requires celebrants to maintain up-to-date knowledge about appropriate family relationship services in your community and inform parties about the range of information and services available to them to enhance and sustain them throughout their relationship. Celebrants should be able to provide information, and if necessary referrals, to couples who seek them. Celebrants are not required or expected to provide these services themselves, but are in the perfect position to provide information to marrying couples about the services that are available. This is a valuable role celebrants are required to fulfil."

Stresses on marriages seem to come from all directions. Both men and women seem to be doing more than ever in their lives, taking on all sorts of responsibilities. Such additional stresses only increase the potential damage to marriages, so it makes sense to pre-empt any relationship damage. Couples who undergo premarital education or early relationship counselling are 30% more likely to have a lasting and healthy marriage.

Take the tools that can head off problems before they happen. Marital education / counselling is one of the best ways of doing that.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Author's Bio: 

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