Lost and Confused

Question:

I am feeling so lost... so confused. I have read several books of yours, of Eckardt Tolle, W. Dyer's, and many more on personal growth, and spiritual development. As matter of fact, as I am reading (listening on CDs, I am blind), I understand what you mean, sometimes on a very, very deep level. I really am trying just to be, and have no labels, no names, no stories, no judgement. To the point that lately I started feeling as if I am crazy... maybe it is my ego trying to struggle to stay alive, I don't know. Though I have moments of panic and chaos, and I cannot seem to ground myself.

I am in a marriage where I now realize that I entered the relationship almost 6 years ago for comfort, and because we both wanted a partner, not for love. Now, that I am starting to understand how just to be, how to simply let someone be... I am realizing that I have never seen my husband, and I don't mean visually. We are separating in fact, because I decided that I need to be alone... mostly because I am so terrified of being alone.

My life long dream is to write books that help people, and I know that this creativity is pressuring me from the inside. I am already involved in some activities that are helping me tremendously, like training in the Martial Arts of Aikido as well as practice Yoga, volunteering on the local Crisis lines... and yet, most of the time I feel as if I want to, need to do something even more. Something that can really help me to express something inside, and of course, to better myself. I am now very happy that almost 10 years ago I have lost my eye sight due to diabetes. It is because I can't see, why I feel like I can see inside people, and why I seem to be able to help people on the Crisis lines.

I am very confused with my relationship as well. I can be a very peaceful, loving, kind person, and I really am. And I am finding it hard most of the time to love my husband. I realize that I have resentments for him... but how do I let go of them?

In fact I have done something that I am not proud of, even ashamed of. I have betrayed him with an old friend of mine. My husband is a wonderful person, with many really amazing and beautiful qualities. Though I have to admit, he is unconscious, and very rarely does he see clearly what he is doing, or why he is doing them. He acts out of emotions, and he is struggling with road rage, anger outbursts, mostly over small things.

I know I need to take myself out of this situation, because I need to be honest, I need to speak the truth... and see, I feel so lost, that I don't even know what my question really is.

Answer:

You resent your husband because you believe he should be different than he is. If you can accept him for what he is and as he is, then you will let go of the resentment. It helps if you can accept with his deficits and that he is just doing the best he can. Just as you are working on accepting yourself and focusing on being and not judging or dramatizing.

You said you plan to separate and that you need to be alone because you are so terrified of being alone. Sometimes that kind of hard core therapy of facing your deepest fear works. Sometimes it doesn’t. If it is too radical and you are not able to deal with it, then it only traumatizes you more. Taking baby steps can often be a more successful approach if you are dealing with an issue that terrifies you.

The other thing I wanted to add is that a spiritual practice that is geared toward simplifying your self concept into Beingness and not on stories should be making you feel more solid and sober rather than crazy and panicky. You may need to add some grounding aspects to your routine to make you feel steady, calm and centered. Yoga asanas, pranayama, nature walks, playing with children, dancing, and gardening are all helpful activities that can bring you more down to earth. Also, just in case you have been fasting or on a low-protein, or unusual diet, you will find that returning to a more balanced diet can help a great deal to make you feel less crazy.

Love,
Deepak