My “Woman” is better than yours!

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet your there. – Rumi

Have you ever found yourself looking at another woman and thinking something like, “She doesn’t have a clue. Why doesn’t she even bother to look in the mirror when she goes out, does she know how bad she looks from behind?” Or maybe, “Wow, she obviously doesn’t exercise, and she’s eating donut? And look at her roots”?

It’s hard for me to imagine that if you are a woman reading this that you haven’t experienced something similar to one of those situations at least once in your life. We judge others as ‘less than’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ and then often we compare them to our self.

We can also turn our nose the other way, thinking “She’s really got it together – tall, great figure, loving partner, successful businesswoman, perfect mom, and she has amazing shoes/clothes/whatever”…and then we find ourselves hating her and not feeling very good about our self afterwards. At this point, we might judge the other as ‘better than’, ‘right’ or ‘good’ and no wonder we don’t feel good afterwards.

When we see ourselves in comparison/competition with other women, it’s not pretty, it’s not supportive and it decreases our sense of worth – self-worth and worth for all women.

I believe there are some genetics behind this way of reacting…our ‘cavewoman’ traits. Our brains have not really changed very much in thousands of years and unless we are really aware, our ‘cavewoman’ kicks in and sees the other woman as a threat. The cave woman knows that the caveman will protect her, bear her children and keep her lineage going. Though times have changed, our brains still have some programming that no longer serves us.

The minute we compare ourselves to others, we are setting ourselves up for pain and discouragement. This is a type of judgment that traps us in a world of rightness and wrongness and we end up erecting barriers between others and ourselves.

To change from our cavewoman in to a conscious woman, the first most important step is awareness – being aware and noticing if you are comparing yourself to others. Once you start having this awareness, you can then ask yourself if comparing/judging is how you want to keep living your life. If the answer you choose is ‘no’, I invite you to be gentle on yourself as you proceed because it is very easy to immediately judge yourself for comparing – a negative never ending loop.

Once you do notice yourself comparing or judging, just say quietly to yourself, ”hmm, I am comparing”. Take baby steps. Then ask yourself how you feel – are you worried, excited, angry, embarrassed, scared or something else? By noticing how you are feeling, you will shift from your cavewoman brain into connection with your self and your body. Once you have clued in to your feelings, ask yourself what the meaning is underneath your feeling? Are you wanting to see yourself as beautiful, are you wanting to trust that you too can have a successful career, contribute deeply to your children and have an amazingly abundant life?

The more you’re able to shift from making comparisons without awareness, to making comparisons with awareness, to making comparisons and asking yourself what it underneath it all, the more likely you are to remove barriers to connection…that kind of connection that is so meaningful and important to your well-being and to a truly thriving life. The very most important connection will start with you. What a beautiful gift to give yourself!

So give it a try:

Notice that you are comparing/judging
Be gentle as you proceed and take baby steps
Ask yourself what you are feeling
Ask yourself what the meaning is underneath – what you are needing or wanting or longing for in yourself
Celebrate being connected to yourself and knowing what is important in your life – self-love and self-care.
The more often you practice, the stronger your connection muscles will be and the less prominent your ‘comparer’ and ‘judger’ will be. The key is not to worry about a judgment showing up (they will show up, though less and less) – just notice and make a conscious choice to connect. Therein lies your power!