Pedestrian Push-Back

When I walk down to my local post office I usually pick up litter along the way to dispose of it properly later. Today I was trying to cross the road at a designated pedestrian crossing - you know, the kind with a day-glow florescent bollard in the middle of the road and a sign that says ‘State Law: Cars Must Stop For Pedestrians’. The cars didn’t stop, no, not even the police cruiser, and one vehicle came so close it knocked the bag of litter I had collected out of my hands.

So this was not good news. Actually it’s very bad news if you happen to be a human being and not a 2000lb hunk of metal with a semi-comatose driver. It’s even worse news if, like the lady beside me, waiting patiently, you happen to be over 80 and a bit less agile than you once were.

So I began to wonder about this. Perhaps a paintball gun would be useful. That way I could use it to ‘tag’ all these dangerous drivers - would be killers every one - so other pedestrians could be wary. I imagine I’d get away with it for a while and then be arrested, charged with assault with a colorful weapon, and probably exiled to Alcatraz forever. Yet if someone assaults me with a deadly weapon (such as a car) I am, in law, allowed to defend myself with deadly force - such as a real gun. This much more vicious and dangerous response would, therefore, be legal, whereas at the moment I can’t even lob a rotten tomato at those who would deprive me of life, as well as of liberty and the pursuit of, well, everything else.

Gandhi would have known what to do. Any suggestions?