Relationship Dimensions: Devotional Versus Transactional

Relationships take on many dimensions, areas defined by polar opposites that every person in a given relationship falls somewhere within. We commonly hear about needs versus wants, wherein an individual determines if what they desire is a need or a want, and how much of a need or want it is. This sometimes helps heartsick individuals determine if a given relationship is worth sticking out or not. We also hear ratio-based dimensions, such as dimensions of romance, sex, and trust. These dimensions are defined by 0%, such as no romance whatsoever, to 100%, or completely romantic. As individuals, we self-assess these dimensions on a regular basis, and determine what we can live with and what we can live withough, and when we decide to say something to our partners about a perceived lack of something important.

However, there is another type of relationship dimension that is rarely, if ever, discussed. This is the family of relationship-style dimensions, and of particular interest in this article is that of devotional versus transactional. In this dimension, on the far left we have devotional love. In its purest form, devotional love is altruistic in nature; the individual gives love completely and freely and expects nothing in return; they are devoted to the other individual in all ways, even in the absence of returned love. This pure form of devotions is rare, and not entirely healthy in an intimate relationship.

On the opposite end of this dimension is transactional love. This form of love is like a business deal; the individual loves the other, and often dearly, but it is contingent upon reciprocity. In other words, love is given in great amounts so long as love, or some other desired outcome or combination thereof, is returned. Additionally, purely transactional love is dependent upon the rate of return; if the perceived return is of diminishing value, then so shall be the output going forward. This type of love, in its purest form, is not healthy either; some would argue that this is not, in fact, love at all. For the sake of argument, let’s agree that it is, at least for the duration of this article.

Every individual falls somewhere on this spectrum. We all want to believe that we are somewhat closer to the devotional side and at times we probably are. The vast majority of lovers, however, are somewhere close to the middle. Some may be 60% devotional and 40% transactional, and some are the opposite. Some are 50/50. There is no right or wrong combination; not in isolation, at least. The problem occurs when there is a mismatch in relationship style between the individuals. But not all mismatches are bad! On the contrary, some are desired.

For example, if both individuals are 70% devotional, there can be great harmony. The transactional issues are often worked through because of the constant presence of the devotional aspects of love. Additionally, if one person is 70% devotional and the other is 70% transactional, things can often work out very well. Such is the case when transaction-oriented individual’s desired return is simply love, or is those things that the devotion-oriented individual uses to express love; think Intimacy, sex, and attention.

The real problem is when two strongly transaction-oriented individuals are in a relationship. This is often a bad match as people’s needs, desires, and capabilities change over time. When both individuals are transaction-oriented, the relationship is often fantastic in the beginning; both individuals are getting what they want. However, as needs and desires change, the return for being in the relationship is no longer as rewarding, and people begin to drift apart. Fighting begins over romance, intimacy, and attention. It is difficult for transaction-oriented individuals to remain in relationship with other transaction-oriented individuals for very long.

I advise people with reoccurring relationship issues, such as inability to sustain long-lasting relationships, to look at your own relationship style. Think about what devotion means, and about what transaction means, and make a rough guess as to where you are on such a spectrum. Be honest with yourself; are you further on the transactional side of the spectrum? Don’t be ashamed, most people are. Now, look at your most recent relationship. Remove any residual anger you may have, and assess that person’s relationship style; are they heavily transaction-oriented? Look back at other relationships; is there a pattern of transaction/transaction relationships?

Fear not, if this is the case. I know I said earlier that “it is difficult for transaction-oriented individuals to remain in relationship with other transaction-oriented individuals for very long.” This is the case when these individuals go into these relations not knowing about their relationship style. However, knowing your relationship style in advance gives you a huge advantage and allows you to use tools to keep these relationships alive and rewarding; possibly indefinitely! Honest communication is the key, right from the beginning of the relationship, and continued throughout. Communicate about needs and desires, and do this often. Your reward will be a long, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. This applies to all combinations of relationships as well.