Responsible Speech in a Loving Relationship

"Lewis, you are late! You only think about yourself. Nobody else matters! Dinner is ruined. Why can't you be on time for once in your life?" We will use this opening barrage of criticism to demonstrate an effective way to communicate a tough message effectively and yet maintain a loving feeling.

In a communication like this, there are four steps:

1. The facts.
2. Your opinions.
3. Your feelings.
4. Your desired outcome.

When you have a tough message to deliver, it is best to separately state each part rather than intertwine them.

Step 1: The Facts

The first step is stating the facts. Facts are things that are observable and verifiable. Think of the proverbial "fly on the wall." Facts are what the fly on the wall could see and hear.

In the opening message, the speaker said, "Lewis, you are late," as if it were a fact. However, a fly on the wall cannot see or hear "late." "Late" is a conclusion.

To turn that statement into a fact, you could say "Lewis, you said you'd be home from work at 7 PM and the clock said 8 PM when you walked in the door." The fly on the wall would have been able to hear Lewis say, "I will be home at 7 PM" and could have seen the hands of the clock on 8 PM when Lewis walked in.

If the facts are delivered accurately, both parties start out in agreement.

Step 2: Opinions

The second step is to deliver your opinions related to the facts. This is your personal viewpoint or judgment. Although we hear that we should not be judgmental, it is human nature to form opinions about what we see and hear in our environment.

In the opening message, the speaker said, "You only think about yourself. Nobody else matters!" While these are valid opinions, the way they are delivered will probably turn the listener off. It is better to start your sentence with "In my opinion" so that the listener knows that what is to follow is your opinion only. After all, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. In our opening message, the speaker can rephrase the opinion to say " In my opinion, this behavior is inconsiderate."

Step 3: Feelings

The third step is to communicate your feelings based upon the facts and your opinions. We suggest you express your feelings using one of the following four basic feelings: angry, happy, sad or afraid. People use other words to express their feelings like frustrated, upset, good, and anxious. We believe those feelings are aspects of the above four basic feelings. For example, when I say I am frustrated, the deeper feeling is anger.

In the opening message, the speaker said, "Dinner is ruined." The speaker was expressing frustration and, in actuality, anger. Be direct; don't beat around the bush. Tell the listener exactly what you are feeling. "I feel angry because dinner is ruined."

Step 4: Desired Outcome

The final step is to communicate what you desire. The best way to do this is with a simple I-statement, that is, a sentence beginning with the word "I." In this way, the request is not twisted up with opinions and feelings. The listener knows exactly what is being asked of him or her.

In the opening message, the speaker said, "Why can't you be on time for once in your life?" Because this is not an I-statement, it is likely to alienate the listener. It would be re-phrased as an I-statement. "I want you to come home at the time you told me you'd be home, or call to tell me a revised time."

We will now put the four components together and re-deliver the opening message:

"Lewis, you said you would be home at 7 PM. When you walked in, the clock said 8 PM. In my opinion, this behavior is inconsiderate. When you walked in at 8 PM, I felt angry. I want you to come home at the time you told me you'd be home or call to tell me a revised time."

We have looked at a new way of communicating using four components: facts, feelings, opinions and your desired outcome. This method results in the speaker being very clear about what has happened and the resulting opinions and feelings; the speaker is also clear about what he or she wants. This method should make the listener more receptive to the speaker's message.