Setting Personal Boundaries

By Linney Elder

So…what invaluable lessons have I learned this week? Well, for one…I am definitely not Superwoman! That myth has been well and truly blown out the window.

What I have realised once again is the value of setting boundaries and when it’s totally appropriate to simply say “no”.

All my adult life I’ve been on a crusade to save the world and everyone in it….picture the scene:

Middle ages England, me with long emerald green medieval style linen gown billowing round my white horses thundering hoofs, long hair flying in the wind as I rush to the rescue of yet another poor soul (my perception, not theirs), with my flaming sword held high…

“Wait, wait, I’m here to save you!” “I vow to work myself to the point of exhaustion to impress upon you how dedicated and committed I am, how dependable and trustworthy. I will happily give you everything I own, including my cat, dog and budgie (if I had one), I will compromise my own health, give up my hobbies, turn my back on my friends and even my family if that’s what you want…. and let’s not forget all the very helpful advice I can offer.”

All this in an effort to valiantly rescue someone….you just KNOW they need rescuing don’t you! So after pointedly ignoring your sacrifices and your never-ending helpful advice, when they finally tell you to shut up, or get lost….you slink away, disillusioned, wounded to the core, wondering where you went wrong.

How could this person/life be so cruel to you? Should you have given more? Loved more? Or….did you just give too much? Somewhere along the way the boundaries got so fuzzy that you lost sight of where you ended and this other person began.

So why do we behave like this? Well, mostly because we are looking for approval and acceptance but mainly LOVE. We all want to be loved. We think we need to give, and give, and give in order for anyone to love us in return. However, we first need to learn to love ourselves with all our imperfections. Once we learn to respect and approve of ourselves, we don’t need these things from other people, and when we do get them, it’s a wonderful bonus. They are simply loving us – as we are.

Setting personal boundaries is a healthy way to get in touch with who you are, what you would like to have in your life, what you will accept from others and what you will not accept. Everyone deserves to be treated with healthy respect.

Relationships can be unnecessarily hard work if the communication lines are not open. It’s important that both parties state what they are looking for, what they need and what they will not tolerate in an honest and direct manner, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.

Once the boundaries are clear, you can make a conscious choice about staying in the relationship, or not. This may be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a work-related relationship.

However, it’s no good setting boundaries unless you are willing to stick to them. If someone oversteps your clearly defined boundaries, you need to point it out and take action if necessary. Remember that most people will be happy to respect your boundaries, but others may test them time and again. If you feel your boundaries are being challenged, be objective about what’s happening, don’t over-dramatise the situation, but be direct with the person involved.

A few examples of setting personal boundaries might be:

• “Do not speak to me so disrespectfully”
• “Don’t push me around, I won’t put up with it”
• “Don’t shout at me, or use abusive language when you speak to me”
• “Please don’t talk about other people to me, I am not interested in listening to gossip”
• “I need some personal space and me-time, please respect that”
• “I need honesty and openness if our relationship is going to succeed”

It’s so easy to view ourselves as a “victim” in our own minds.

Instead of using statements like “I have to….do this, that or whatever”, rather say “I choose to….do this, that or whatever”. This empowers you and gives you a sense that you are in control and making conscious choices. There are ALWAYS choices to be made, so you might as well make good ones!

Here are some affirmations for strengthening your self-esteem:

• “I AM a beautiful, intelligent human being”
• “I AM perfect, just as I am”
• “I deserve to be treated with consideration, honesty and respect”
• “The people in my life show me compassion and love”
• “I AM a courageous person, I live my life with passion”
• “I live my life in line with my personal values”
• “I treat others with respect & understanding, and I receive respect and understanding in return”

There is no need to go through life as a victim, or a rescuer….healthy relationships don’t demand, or expect, you to take on either of these roles. We are all on our own individual and very personal paths in life, with our own lessons to learn. When you accept this and give people the space to learn their own lessons, in their own way…there is no need for you to “rescue” them, or fall to pieces when their time in your life comes to an end. It’s simply time to let go with love, and move on.

Now….what am I going to do with a second hand white horse????!!!!