Should I Give My Husband An Ultimatum: I Gave My Husband An Ultimatum - Marriage Ultimatum Divorce

An ultimatum is such a tempting way to deal with a spouse's undesirable behavior. The problem is they rarely work the way the giver intended. It may seem like a good idea at first... in fact, all your friends and family may encourage you to take the final stand because it seems to give you back some sense of control. It feels like you are demanding the respect you deserve. The problem is you can't demand love and respect but you don't want a marriage without it.

If you have ever parented teenagers, you probably know that rules and regulations are useless if there isn't a relationship in place first. Nothing brings about more defiance, stubbornness and avoidance than laying down the law with an obstinate teen. Rules without Relationship = Rebellion. This is a universal truth that applies to almost every relationship... especially a marriage. Rules don't bring about a change of heart. A loving relationship will because now someone is motivated to change.

I've seen spouses lay down ultimatums over all kinds of behavior. He likes porn so she threatens to leave if she sees evidence he is at it again. She doesn't have sex enough so he is surly and doesn't help with the kids. He won't stop hanging out with the boys so she withholds sex. There are many flavors of this scenario, but they all have one thing in common: there is little or no motivation on the part of one spouse to make lasting changes. We can't force our spouse to change. Is it possible to increase their motivation?

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Let me tell you a brief story about Scott and Lisa. They had been married for less than ten years when Lisa found out Scott was having an affair with Brenda. Lisa was devastated. She wanted to give Scott an ultimatum - end the affair or move out. That was when Lisa called me and we began the Marriage 911 program together. I asked Lisa what she wanted the end result of all of this to be. Did she want to get a divorce and move on or did she want to try and save her marriage? She chose the marriage so we started putting specific actions in place. Instead of playing detective and trying to monitor Scott's whereabouts, Lisa got involved with a local theater group. It required several weeknights for rehearsals and she informed Scott he had the kids or he found a babysitter. On the nights he got a babysitter, she did not ask where he went or who was with him. She stopped moping around with a worried face and put on a smile even when she had to fake it. It wasn't long before she told me she felt better than she had in years. She was busy doing things she loved and she wasn't home worrying about who Scott was with or if he was going to ask her for a divorce. She said although she did fake being happy at first it wasn't long before she realized she was indeed actually happier.

Scott realized Lisa wasn't chasing him down or trying to talk him into counseling or stopping the affair. He admitted later he felt relief at first but then he got curious. In fact, he started getting more and more interested in his wife and less interested in Brenda. A few months after Lisa and I started working together, Scott told Lisa he wanted to come to counseling with her. Instead of working through all the things that were wrong with the relationship, we started putting things in place to improve it. Scott and Lisa had a step-by-step plan for reconnecting. After several months of working the plan, they noticed many of the problems they thought they had simply disappeared. They felt closer and more connected. Once their relationship stabilized they were then able to work through the issues of infidelity and they rebuilt trust. They were happy again and they now had the skills and tools to stay happy.

Did you notice what Lisa did to re-engage Scott? She increased his motivation to change. She started caring for herself. When Scott no longer felt all the pressure to fight against her, he wanted to spend more time with her. If she had given Scott an ultimatum and said "pick Brenda or pick me" they both would have been in a no-win situation. If Scott had chosen Brenda, they would have lost their family. If Scott had chosen Lisa, he would have been resentful and angry and Lisa still wouldn't have the marriage she wanted. She would be forever wondering when the next Brenda was going to come along. Scott ended the affair because he once again had a loving relationship with his wife.

Relationship. That's the key. Rules without Relationship = Rebellion. Marriage is all about relationship. Forget ultimatums and start focusing on how you can build greater intimacy and trust with your partner.

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If your relationship is on the brink of disaster, and you want to save your marriage, stop divorce, and turn things around, you probably don't know where to look for the solutions you need. Take heart, because you aren't alone. There is help as close as your Internet, and it is comfortably affordable for almost anyone. A lot of the information you find will be free, placed there by experts who understand that people need guidance even if they can't afford to pay for it. If you are trying to survive spousal infidelity, deal with a sexless marriage, get control of anger issues, cope with financial difficulties, or having any of dozens of other marital problems, you can get the help you need.

No matter whether you want to work on solutions along with your spouse or alone, you wil find techniques and strategies that will work. A marriage expert will be your guide in your quest for even the most difficult answers. Marriage is complicated, and keeping it alive has proven more than a lot of couples could handle, but there's no reason for you to give up quite yet. Why not browse through a marriage website and see what free advice you can pick up? If you like the sound of what you see, there are ways you can request additional counseling and information. A website like this is extremely comprehensive and user friendly, so what's stopping you?

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Many people hate to admit that their marriages are in trouble. Instead, they put on a happy face and bravely let everyone think that their world is all sunshine and roses. It's only inside that they're being torn apart which just isn't necessary. Even if your spouse refuses to work with you or is actively trying to end your relationship, you'll be able to find a professional online who will be able to tell you things you need to know. You'll be able to learn if there's enough of your marriage left to save it and how to go about doing so. Divorce does not have to happen if you know the strategies for bringing a lifeless marriage back to life.

No matter what the reason is for an imminent break-up, there are always appropriate ways to deal with the situation. Even if your spouse has been unfaithful, there are calm, rational methods of working out your problems to stop divorce and save marriage.

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You should give yourself a pat on the back if you are reading this. It shows that you have initiative to save your marriage from crumbling before you. With the failure rate of marriages reaching as high as 87%, you have to take credit for not taking the easy way out - giving up on your marriage. Allow me to share my experience with you and hopefully you'll learn something new that will help save your marriage.

All of the pains and frustration that you may be feeling are very familiar to me. It's not something that I would wish on anyone. That is why I'm sharing my story in hopes of helping other people save their marriage.

When my husband told me that he was considering getting a divorce I was pretty stunned. I did all I could to try to persuade him of otherwise. Nothing at all worked and I started to get pretty desperate. I began crying and apologizing endlessly to him which only made him more irritated. Avoid doing this to your spouse at all costs! I only did this out of desperation and I was not thinking clearly because of this.

I was lucky enough to turn the situation around though, all thanks to some advice I got instead of just trying to do it by myself. When I realized that nothing was working I did some searches on the internet to see if I could find something that would actually work; and I found exactly what I needed! It made all the difference in the world!

The advice that you get may not be the same as mine so it is always a good idea to ask different sources. Whether it is a friend of yours or a marriage counselor, get as much advice as possible. As long as you do this you are well on your way to saving your marriage from ending!

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Marital problems are not at all uncommon; all couples have them from time to time. In a lot of cases these problems will lead to divorce, there are however steps that you can take to prevent that from happening. One of the best options is to consider marriage counseling if you are having problems.

The most helpful aspect of going to a marriage counselor is that it will force you and your spouse to talk about the issues that you are having. Probably the biggest reason that marriages fail is a lack of communication, having somebody to help you address this problem is usually very helpful. The whole point of going to a counselor is to have somebody to help guide you through talking about the issues that you are having so it can be a big help in facilitating communication.

The other big reason that a marriage counselor can help save your marriage is that they are able to offer an outside perspective. A lot of times when couples have issues it can be hard to see the other person's point of view. A counselor will be more objective than either of you since they are not actually involved in the disagreement and this can be a huge help in bringing about a compromise.

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It is important that you understand before you go that a counselor is not there to take sides. A lot of people go into counseling because they assume that the counselor will agree with them and blame the problems on the other person. In truth this rarely happens, in almost all cases both people share some of the blame when a marriage is having problems. It can be a bit of a shock when the counselor points out the areas where you are to blame so make sure that you are prepared for this.

One last way that a marriage counselor can help is that they can offer a level of expertise that otherwise wouldn't be available. A lot of times when couples are having problems the issues are not the ones they think they are. Usually there are underlying problems that are the real issues. A counselor will have the training to be able to recognize when this is the case so that they will be able to get you to focus on the real issues. This will make it a lot more likely that you will be able to save your marriage than if you continue to deal with the wrong issues.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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