The Perfect Apology: Myth Or Reality

Does the perfect apology really exist? Is it conceivable that every major and/or minor mistake, embarrassment, error or screw up has what amounts to be the perfect fix, crafted specifically for that situation and aggrieved recipient? Apparently of the thousands of different ways to say I'm sorry some techniques are much better and more likely to succeed than others. Yet, despite the importance of apologies in our daily lives there is almost no research on the subject. The work that has been done usually points to the following list of ingredients - a description of the error; acknowledgment of the offense; acceptance of responsibility; a willingness to own the mistake; an explanation; regret, humility and remorse; a request to be forgiven; a credible effort to prevent the error from happening again; and some form of compensation. But the probability of success or failure is not simply a function of following these 'perfect apology' guidelines. Consider some of the more recent celebrity apologies: Michael Richards apologized for using the 'n' word; Mel Gibson pleaded insanity (and alcoholism) for using the 'j' word; Ted Haggard (President of the National Association of Evangelicals) and Mark Foley (prominent Republican congressman) both apologized for being addicted to the 's' word; Isaiah Washington (star of Gray's Anatomy) apologized for outing his co-actor T.R. Knight by using the "f" word; Tom Cruise apologized to Brooke Shields for uttering too many insensitive words about women abusing anti-depressants to deal with postpartum depression (how Tom became an expert on this subject is still a mystery to many); John Kerry was forced to apologize to members of the armed forces for failing to include the word "us" in comments about the importance of education; and we all remember Bill Clinton's apology for asking us to seriously consider what our definitions of the word 'is' is. Now, some of these apologies worked while others failed. Tom Cruise seems to have put his career back on track by following each and every one of the perfect apology ingredients listed above and delivered in person to Brooke's house. Mel Gibson seems to have mended a sufficient number of fences with the Jewish community by following the same strategy. Mel's apology was so successful he admits to being "overwhelmed by the understanding." But other mistakes and apologies were less successful. Michael Richards' career is not likely to survive despite repeated efforts to apologize by attaching himself to prominent members of the African American community, arranging press conferences with Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton, and promising to spend the rest of his life fixing the mistake. Apparently, perfect apologies really work best when delivered to recipients who are prepared to forgive. The content of the apology itself is often not the point, especially when the aggrieved community sees an opportunity to push the hurt a little further. Most public apologies almost never completely succeed, for a very simple reason- you can't please all of the people all of the time, no matter how meticulously and sincerely you follow the ingredients of a perfect apology. The underlying point is that public (especially public 'political' apologies) almost never satisfy a sufficient number of people to be considered truly successful (because the apologies are accepted or rejected for political reasons and have almost nothing to do with the apology itself, or whether the ingredients were followed). There isn't much we can do about these situations. On the other hand, personal apologies extended in your personal or business life are almost always successful if and when the guidelines are followed, because you're dealing essentially with one person.