Couples Communication: The Key to Supporting

    The stresses of infertility treatment can wreak havoc on a relationship. Building good communication skills can strengthen your couples' connection. You may even find that you grow stronger as a couple if you learn to communicate well during this time.

This article will focus on three main communication skills:

1. Taking Time to Talk
2. Active Listening (at first awkward)
3. The Magic of the "I" Statement

***Taking Time to Talk:***

Actually sitting down and talking is sometimes one of the biggest challenges a couple faces. After all, if you take the time to talk, really talk, to each other then you may have to address some of the pain you are experiencing and some of the challenges you are facing.

*Avoidance:

Sometimes couples avoid talking to each other because the discussion can be a laundry list of all that is wrong or all that didn't go well. It is difficult to listen to each other when the talk becomes an exchange of depressing stories.

Talking time is sometimes last on the priority list. Maybe you wanted to go on the Internet to ask just one more question about Lupron. Maybe you needed to read one more chapter in your book about infertility treatment. Maybe the dog needed to go for a walk. All of those things can take priority over talking to your spouse.

Ask each other what it would take to make talking time a high priority. Be honest with each other about the barriers you may be putting up to keep it from happening.

*One Good Thing

Perhaps it would be easier to set up a talking time if you agreed that each of you would share one good thing about the day and one difficult thing about the day.

In the midst of infertility treatment, finding one good thing about the day can be an exercise all by itself. You may find yourself sharing with your partner a description of a conversation overheard at the drugstore or just the fact that it didn't rain that day or an entertaining item you heard on the news or read on the Internet. Search for it, but you can find one good thing.

*Make the Commitment

When you can commit to talking to each other, then make the effort to have a regular talking time. Some couples pick a length of time for the talk - 20 minutes a day or half an hour. Put it on your calendar; make an appointment with each other, and make it happen.

***Active Listening (At First Awkward):***

*Taking Turns
The first task in active listening is making sure that each one of you takes a turn to listen. Sometimes the balance gets lost and one person in the relationship is doing most of the talking. Ask your partner if you talk too much or too little.

While it might be awkward at first, take turns of equal time to talk/listen to each other. Since we are in patterns and habits with each other, we may not be aware of how to make the time equal. Sometimes at the beginning, it helps if you use a kitchen timer - he talks for 5 minutes while she listens, and then she talks and he listens for 5 minutes.

*The "Active" in active listening

The word "active" is the key to listening well. Listening can be conveyed nonverbally by leaning toward the person who is speaking, nodding your head as the other talks, or making eye contact with the other person as he/she speaks.

Listening can also be conveyed by the words you say to your partner at the end of his/her speaking time. Say back to your partner in your own words what you think you heard him/her say.

Sometimes it helps to repeat what you heard, word for word.

Active listening although awkward at first promotes clarity and understanding between people.

*Active Listening is not Problem Solving

Notice that active listening only involves getting clarity about what the other person says and conveying understanding to them. Active listening is NOT PROBLEM SOLVING.

***The Magic of the "I" Statement:***

*Simplicity of the "I" Statement

An "I" statement is one that begins with "I" and is a statement of what I observe, feel, or think. When I speak for myself, I am taking responsibility for my thoughts and reactions. This can be very powerful and does not blame or require anything from the other person.

Examples of "I" statements are:

"I felt upset when I saw an article on in vitro in today's paper."
"I'm scared to call the doctor for my test results."
"I think we should try a different treatment."

*Ways to Turn an "I" Statement into Something Else

The word "feel" is often substituted for "think" today. If you say, "I feel....," that phrase should be followed by an emotion.

Notice the differences in the following two statements (both starting with "I"):

"I feel upset. I wanted you to be at the appointment"
"I feel that you should have gotten to the appointment in time."

In the second example, you can see that the "I feel" statement was really a way to blame the partner for something. If you find that you are saying, "I feel that you.....," examine what the next thing is that rises to your lips. Chances are good that you are blaming your partner for something and couching it in an "I feel" statement.

*Simplicity

If I use "I" to speak for myself, then I am only talking about and for me. I can avoid putting words into my partner's mouth and I can avoid assumptions. I can keep myself from telling my partner what he/she thinks. After all, I can't know what my partner thinks unless he/she has told me.

Use short, clear sentences as your "I" statement. If you think of it as a very simple statement, you give your partner something uncomplicated to which to respond. The more complicated the statement, the higher the chance for misinterpretation and confusion.

The beauty of the "I" statement is its simplicity. Just like you learned in elementary school English, an "I" statement simply needs a subject, a verb and an object.

"I feel upset."
"I would like a hug."
"I want to talk about our next step."

***If you work on these steps to better couples' communication, you will grow closer and be more supportive with each other as you meet the challenges of dealing with infertility.

(c)Linda D. Tillman, Ph.D.
http://www.fertilitycoach.com