Unhappy Relationship But Have Child: Getting Divorced Poses Special Problems For Children

Unhappy Relationship But Have Child: Getting Divorced Poses Special Problems For Children

Children are like the silent party involved in divorce disputes. They do not get anything substantial to say, they often are relegated to being innocent bystanders caught in the barrage of their parents. When it comes to splitting up, parents have to consider just how impactful this will be upon their children. Some commentators have joked that getting divorced is like committing social and financial suicide. Choose your poison wisely.

Some children do well after divorce. Others are haunted by the memories of the disputes that led up to their demise. More so than that, some children internalize the impact of the feud. They some how go on to blame themselves for the legal separation or divorce. In either case this is probably not the case since children are just going along for the ride.

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It is so important for parents to recognize the need for additional communication between both parties for the good of their shared children. This can be tough sometimes. If a former spouse has remarried and now needs to spend time talking with a former spouse about their children, the remarried spouse may face recrimination from her new mate. There really is no easy way to put this. It requires absolute maturity and communication skills that can only be learned by doing it.

When your shared children have graduations, music recitals, sporting events and the like, it is still important for the non-custodial parent to be there. They need to be involved in the child's life so as to bring about the most powerful and loving relationship for the good of the child. This in many instances is just not done. Primarily due to the burden of caregiving, it takes time.

Many children of divorced parents will often split custody between parents. If this is the case, they have a set of clothes at one house and another set of belongings as the other home. When it comes to holidays and special occasions, this is surely to be a bonus time in the minds of most kids. Why? They will likely wind up the big winner. You talk about fun. Two birthdays. Two Christmas holidays in one. Parents should still communicate about the child and what is going on so as to keep the child as the focused opportunity.

As you can see, getting a divorce with children poses specific problems for all involved. The parents must consistently communicate between the each other for the betterment of the children.

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If your interested in saving your marriage today, I suggest you listen up. Romance is one area of common interest for both men and women and you can bring it back and save your marriage if your willing to learn how.

Marriage is not a self-fulfilling fantasy of love and enchantment, but there are some techniques that are available that can breath new life into a failing relationship.

Think back on how your marriage has progressed. Has it been the journey of excitement and happiness that you thought it should be? I would think not, since your reading this article. But you have the power to change your marriage. You can bring back the warm and fulfilling relationship you once had.

Romance Is The First Thing To Go

As our busy lives roll on, our marriages often get lost in the shuffle. Work and financial issues take hold of our lives. Raising children can becomes a relentless pursuit with little or no time left for any personal development whatsoever.

No wonder we lose the spark that once brought us together. The stress of modern life requires most of our attention just to get by. For many there is no room for romance any more.

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Well, this is often an indicator of a slipping martial bond. Couples who ignore or even postpone the required intimacy that initially brought them together are soon faced with nothing more than a roommate, whose interests are, more than likely, far removed from our own.

And while it's true that romance is often the first thing to go, it doesn't have to remain that way. There's a simple way to rekindle your initial fires once again.

If You Want More, Look Behind You

There is no better way to revive your love life than to remember the excitement you once shared. If you can find a time and place to reminisce about the carefree days of your youth you've taken the first step toward saving your marriage.

I'm not going to drag out the x-rated milestones of your dating relationship but I recommend that you do. If you and your spouse can find a way to remind each other of the steamy days of your youth, chances are you can rekindle the old flame.

Look for unusual and spontaneous ways to show affection to your spouse. Slip a note into her purse that let's her know your thinking of her. Postpone one of your own obligations to spend time with your husband.

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This type of ritual demonstrates your commitment to your spouses happiness and well-being. It will boost your relationship and help them to feel your love.

If kids are a factor, arrange for a series of trusted babysitters that you can rely on. Begin a new dating period with your spouse.

You Need Her And She Needs You

Marriage is a mutually needy proposition. And both of you must be responsive to the others needs. Even strong marriages can slide if one or the other spouse can't find a way to make time for their spouse.

Create an open and honest dialog about your needs and desires. Be realistic though. Too much too fast can send your uncertain partner running. Give yourself time to adjust to a new lifestyle of romance. Enjoy the baby steps to a more loving and caring relationship.

If your ready to kick-start your love life, look no further than your own history together. Chances are, your past can work wonders on your future, if you let it.

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Restructuring is a vital key in steps to marriage separation reconciliation. Restructuring is the plan of action you and your spouse will take to re-establish your marriage. You will need to make a plan, work it, revise it when necessary, then rinse and repeat.

Plan It

During this stage, communication is of utmost importance. Each party needs to be able to express their individual wants and needs while the other listens, not only with their ears, but with their heart as well. Perceived rights and wrongs are no longer of any consequence. It is time to empathize with your spouse's feelings and bring the focus to the solutions rather than the problems.

Once everything has been aired, the two of you can then work together to find practical and constructive ways to resolve the issues and set you back on the path to reconciliation. Set up a brainstorm session when you both are able and have the time to really discuss and draw up the plan.

Talk about your beliefs and values. Determine what exactly it is you both want to accomplish. What steps do you need to take to get there? Ask each other if there are certain things you do that are particularly upsetting, and really listen to the responses without getting defensive. Are there solutions to these problem areas?

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Now choose just two or three areas to work on. Depending on your situation, you may need to take on the biggest issues first or you might need to baby-step it with the small ones, especially if lack of trust is a factor.

Work It

Now it is time to put your plan into action. The old rule "say what you'll do and do what you say" is very important here. Following this rule will help ensure you have a foundation of trust to build on. Just for good measure, whenever it's possible go above and beyond what is expected and earn a few brownie points. While in this stage remember to expect the ups and downs, but be patient and persistent and eventually you'll look back and see just how far you've come.

Revise It

From time to time sit down and do a check-up on the plan. If things are going well and moving along fairly smoothly, keep up the good work. If something isn't working, try to find a new solution. Your action plan is not set in stone; if you need to make changes for it to be better, do so.

Rinse and Repeat

Once you've found a method that seems to work, keep working through each of your problems, making any necessary adjustments. In time you should have a much better, stronger, and deeper relationship with the connections you desired before your marriage separation.

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The thought of reconciling with your former spouse may be a scary proposition. Many marriages successfully reconcile but it takes a lot of hard work. We will address those who might be interested in restoring the marriage later in the article. The aspect of reconciliation that I want to talk about is not necessarily restoring your marriage, but rather how to be friends with your former spouse. If you have children it will be in their best interest and will take a great deal of pressure off of them if they can see that you are friends. Many divorced people will opt for being friends with their former spouse when they realize there simply is no chance of marital reconciliation. After my divorce I could not have imagined being friends with my ex-wife. If someone had suggested that I should consider being friends with her I would have thought they were crazy! I've since learned that time really does heal old wounds and I can now say we are friends today.

I was counseling a client who was pouring her heart out about how her ex-husband was difficult to talk to. He was always saying unkind things to her and she really wanted nothing to do with him. I told her I understood and asked her what she thought her children were seeing when they looked at her reaction to him. She hesitated then slowly admitted they were seeing her anger and bad attitude. I then asked her how she handled her anger when it came to dealing with her children. Reluctantly, she said she treated them the same way she treated her ex-husband - not very well. Finally I asked the million dollar question, "Do you want your children to be involved in your war with your ex spouse?" "Of course not", she responded. Then she asked a simple question, 'Ok Doc, what should I do?"

I asked her to keep an open mind as I presented the idea of reconciliation and how she and her children would ultimately benefit. I went into great detail how it works and the time frame in which she could expect results. When I was done she just stared at the ceiling. She was deep in thought and asked me to go over the plan again. I explained how reconciliation works and the step-by-step process she would need to go through to make the plan work. I explained that to begin a friendship with her former spouse she would need to begin slowly and learn to communicate again. This step applies to both parties and both need to agree they are willing to work together to create the friendship or in some cases even reconcile the marriage. If the friendship is to grow, the trust issue must be resolved one way or another but always proceed with caution. If your intention is to restore the marriage then at some point the relationship must go to a deeper level beyond just friendship. This is where you must decide that you want to go to the next level, begin dating each other again, or just stay as friends! If you want to restore your marriage and need help, let me know, I can help you with that!

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As I have said in many of my articles, often men and women are talked into a divorce. It can be as innocent as a well meaning friend suggesting you see a lawyer for legal advice. That starts the ball rolling and the next thing you know you're in the middle of a divorce. If you're really not sure you want a divorce then consider counseling. Don't get talked into something you will later regret.

Over the years I have had clients tell me that they wished they had never filed for a divorce. The pain it caused and the uncertainty it created made them ask the question "What if I had just waited for complete healing of my marriage? My children would be happy. I would be happy and I would be in my home. I'd be going to the kid's games and having dinner with them". This is the part of divorce you rarely see. It's heartbreaking and pain that never goes away. Some marriages cannot be reconciled and I understand that. The key here is getting your children through it. They should be on your "radar" when it comes to priorities between you and your spouse.

As I looked back at my own divorce I could see the pain I had caused my daughter and my former spouse. I realized I was part of the problem and I knew I shared the responsibility of the broken relationship. In order to have a healthy reconciliation, I realized I needed to do a few things to make that happen. I didn't expect others to fix things for me, so I took my share of the blame and began working on correcting my mistakes. If you are the one who has been wronged I challenge you need to do something very bold and courageous - forgive. If you hold on to the pain you will have a long and very bitter life. I see many bitter people come through my office! They are in ill health, unhappy and very pessimistic. It's obvious they need to forgive but they have to be willing to let go of their anger and move on.

A few years ago I was counseling a man in my office. He wanted to reconcile with his wife but she wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me what he should do. I told him to consider her complaints and if he thought they were legitimate then I suggested he work on those things and clean up his act. He got to work on them and before long his wife saw that he was making an effort to be a better man. That was a step in the right direction. Patience is the key and don't force things. Move slowly then wait and see what happens.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.