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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- How to Detach and Let Go with Love - by Submitted on Apr 24, 2020 from Darlene LancerAlthough it’s painful to see our loved ones be self-destructive, detaching allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and ...
Views: 1020(2 votes) - SIBLING BULLYING AND ABUSE: A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC - by Submitted on Jan 04, 2020 from Darlene LancerSibling abuse is the most common but least reported abuse in the family. Prevalence is higher than spousal or child abuse combined with consequences well into adulthood similar parent-child abuse. Up to 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling maltreatment; yet, it’s been called the ...
Views: 1138(2 votes) - The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerMost relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In ...
Views: 1107(2 votes) - HOW SHAME FEELS AND WHAT MAKES IT TOXIC - by Submitted on Oct 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerSprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me ...
Views: 1235(2 votes) - WHY YOU CAN LOVE AN ABUSER - by Submitted on Sep 08, 2019 from Darlene LancerFalling in love happens to us―usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the ...
Views: 817(2 votes) - Why You Were Ghosted and What to Do - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerRejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears ...
Views: 984(2 votes) - Unexpected Trauma after Abuse - by Submitted on Sep 02, 2019 from Darlene LancerCodependency robs us of a self and self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are, because we grew up pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from dysfunctional parents. This sets us up for trauma. As adults, even if we’re successful in some areas, our emotional life isn’t easy. ...
Views: 1310(2 votes) - COVERT TACTICS MANIPULATORS USE TO CONTROL AND CONFUSE YOU - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands ...
Views: 995(3 votes) - Relationship as a Spiritual Path - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerA relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow―a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another. The concept of spirituality derives from "spiritus," meaning vitality or ...
Views: 981(2 votes) - What You Should Know about Narcissists, Their Partners, & NPD - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerPoor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in pool of water and died hungering for its response. Narcissism was named for him. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common ...
Views: 1506(3 votes) - Therapy for NPD and Narcissists - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1085(2 votes) - Can a Narcissist Benefit from Psychotherapy? - by Submitted on May 29, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1062(3 votes) - Signs of Serious Relationship Problems - by Submitted on Jun 24, 2019 from Darlene LancerGood relationships run smoothly and enable you to enjoy your life, work, and activities beyond the relationship. You’re not always worrying or talking about it. Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may have disagreements and get angry, but you still have goodwill ...
Views: 1087(2 votes) - WHY NARCISSISTS ACT THE WAY THEY DO - by Submitted on May 13, 2019 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be ...
Views: 1050(2 votes) - Need-Fulfillment is the Key to Happiness - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerThe key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although codependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, many are clueless about their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They're usually very attuned other people and may even ...
Views: 1281(2 votes) - How to Leave a Narcissist or Abuser - by Submitted on Apr 14, 2019 from Darlene LancerWhen we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you're unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, ...
Views: 1184(2 votes) - COMBAT NARCISSISTS’ AND ABUSERS’ PRIMARY WEAPON: PROJECTION - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2019 from Darlene LancerProjection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or ...
Views: 1082(3 votes) - WHY AND HOW NARCISSISTS PLAY GAMES - by Submitted on Jan 11, 2019 from Darlene LancerTo a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude. In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex ...
Views: 1051(3 votes) - HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don't want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared for, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, ...
Views: 1262(2 votes) - BEWARE OF THE DARK TRIAD - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerThink of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our ...
Views: 1342(2 votes) - LOVE BOMBING AND NARCISSISTIC ATTACHMENT - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerGetting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right―our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. ...
Views: 1152(2 votes) - DENIAL OF BAD BEHAVIOR – WHAT YOU CAN DO - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerDenial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our undoing and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only individuals. Denial in the form of "group-think" can dangerously take over families and entire groups. ...
Views: 1381(2 votes) - DEPROGRAMMING CODEPENDENT BELIEFS - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough. This is ...
Views: 1159(1 vote) - HOW TO IDENTIFY AND DEAL WITH TOXIC PARENTS - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerToxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live ...
Views: 1650(2 votes) - CAN A NARCISSIST LOVE? - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerAnyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes ...
Views: 1088(1 vote) - REALITY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK! HOW COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HARM US - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe all see reality through a personal lens shaped by our beliefs, culture, religion, and experiences. The movie Roshomon was a brilliant example of this, where three witnesses to a crime recount different versions of what happened. When couples argue, they usually can’t agree on the facts of ...
Views: 1069(3 votes) - HOW TO HANDLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE - by Submitted on Jun 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerWe’re all capable of abuse when we’re frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. ...
Views: 1667(2 votes) - Do I have to Lose My Self to Love You? | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on May 09, 2018 from Darlene LancerAs codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve it is typical of ...
Views: 1092(2 votes) - Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist - by Submitted on May 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerDespite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. Poor Narcissus The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. ...
Views: 1362(2 votes) - DISCOVER YOUR TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me they don’t really know themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice ...
Views: 1181(3 votes) - Do's and Don'ts in Confronting Abuse | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2018 from Darlene LancerAbuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior and to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, ...
Views: 1254(3 votes) - WHY ROMANCE TURNS TOXIC - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2018 from Darlene LancerMost everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. To us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give our lives meaning and purpose. They enliven and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also ...
Views: 1875(3 votes) - 5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Jan 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerPeople are easily charmed by a narcissist, especially codependents. Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. I’ve had a number of clients who claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic ...
Views: 1493(3 votes) - OBJECTIFYING WOMEN SHAMES EVERYONE - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerPervasiveness revelations of sexual harassment and assault have surprised most men, but not women. However, both genders are largely unaware of the damaging impact that objectification of women can cause. It perpetuates a cycle of shame in both men and women. Even if never overtly harassed or ...
Views: 1503(3 votes) - NARCISSUS AND ECHO: THE HEARTBREAK OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2017 from Darlene LancerThe poignant myth of Narcissus and Echo crystallizes the tragic problem of relationships with narcissists. They were tragic Greek characters in a story told by the Roman poet Ovid in Metamorphoses. Sadly, both partners are locked into a painful drama, where neither feel satisfied or sufficiently ...
Views: 1874(3 votes) - THE POWER OF SELF-TALK - by Submitted on Nov 15, 2017 from Darlene LancerAre you aware that you talk to yourself all the time? We all do. Our self-talk makes a huge difference in our lives for better or for worse. The question to ask yourself is whether your inner voice is your friend or foe. Our unconscious is impacted by the words we say in the same way that it ...
Views: 2102(2 votes) - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - by Submitted on Oct 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur mother is our first love. She’s our introduction to life and to ourselves. She’s our lifeline to security. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally long for her physical and emotional sustenance, her touch, her smile, and her protection. ...
Views: 2277(2 votes) - NARCISSISTS ARE CODEPENDENT, TOO - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerWriters often distinguish narcissists (someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and codependents as opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, ...
Views: 1222(3 votes) - THE TRAUMA OF CHILDREN OF ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerLiving with an addict (including alcoholics[1]) can feel like life in a war zone. The addict’s personality changes caused by addiction create chaos. Family dynamics are organized around the substance abuser, who acts like a tyrant, denying that drinking or using is a problem, while issuing ...
Views: 1538(3 votes) - How to Beat Perfectionism - by Submitted on Aug 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerPerfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. It can become a painful, inescapable trap. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be dehumanizing and compromise our ability to ...
Views: 1252(2 votes) - 5 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Change Your Life - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur thoughts are powerful – for better or worse. Thoughts can set off chain reactions that build self-esteem or undermine it. Authority over our mind is the ultimate power. “Mind is everything. What you think you become,” said Buddha. Thoughts affect not only our mental health, relationships, ...
Views: 2010(3 votes) - Is Your Partner Passive-aggressive? - by Submitted on Jun 29, 2017 from Darlene LancerPassive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. They’re basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you ...
Views: 1690(3 votes) - AUTHENTICITY HEALS: 6 STEPS TO BEING AUTHENTIC - by Submitted on Jun 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerAuthenticity is the opposite of shame. It reveals our humanity and allows us to connect with others. Shame creates most all codependency symptoms – including hiding who we are, sacrificing our needs, and saying yes when we rather not – all to be accepted by someone else. It warps our ...
Views: 1768(2 votes) - Marriage after Sobriety - by Submitted on May 16, 2017 from Darlene LancerWhen long-awaited sobriety finally arrives, partners expect their past relationship problems will disappear. Often, there is a “honeymoon” period when they’re on their best behavior and reaffirm their love and commitment. After all that they’ve been through together, they have high hopes for a ...
Views: 1682(2 votes) - Getting Triggered and What You Can Do - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2017 from Darlene LancerGetting your "buttons" pushed or getting "triggered" is an opportunity to heal and grow. The more hurts we've endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. Our triggers - our buttons - are our wounds. Codependents are off the charts when it comes to ...
Views: 1830(2 votes) - Is Your Relationship Toxic? - by Submitted on Mar 25, 2017 from Darlene LancerHealthy relationships nourish and support us. Like poison, a toxic relationship is one that is damaging to us. Instead of uplifting us, it makes us feel worse. When it ends, we might experience post-traumatic stress or a lessening of our self-esteem and trust in ourselves and others. Although ...
Views: 1740(2 votes) - Codependency is based on Fake Facts - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on a lie. Its symptoms develop to cope with the deep, but false and painful belief – that “I’m not worthy of love and respect.” In the chart to the left, core symptoms of codependency are in red, but nearly all the symptoms revolve around shame – the shame that accompanies ...
Views: 2186(1 vote) - Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2017 from Darlene LancerAnger hurts. It’s a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re ...
Views: 1552(2 votes) - Secrets and Lies: The Damage of Deception - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2017 from Darlene LancerTrust is a fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships – sometimes irreparably. We all tell “white lies.” We say “I’m fine,” when we’re not, compliment unwanted gifts, or even fib, “The check is in the mail.” But in an intimate relationship, emotional ...
Views: 1772(1 vote) - CODEPENDENCY ADDICTION: STAGES OF DISEASE AND RECOVERY - by Submitted on Dec 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerCodependency has been referred to as “relationship addiction” or “love addiction.” Our focus on others helps alleviate our pain and inner emptiness, but by ignoring ourselves, it only grows. This habit becomes a circular, self-perpetuating system that takes on a life of its own. Our thinking ...
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