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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- The Dance of Intimacy - by Submitted on Jan 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerThe relationship duet is the dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the ...
Views: 7487(3 votes) - Are You Being Emotionally Abandoned? - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany people don’t realize that they’re feeling emotionally abandoned or that they did as a child. They may be unhappy, but can’t put their finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due ...
Views: 7467(6 votes) - Are You in Control? - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerWhere is your power center? Is it in you or in other people or circumstances? Paradoxically, controlling people often believe that they don’t have control over their lives or even themselves. Control is important to codependents. Many attempt to control what they can’t – other people – rather ...
Views: 5046(3 votes) - RECOVERY IN THE TWELVE STEPS - A SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION - by Submitted on Sep 25, 2010 from Darlene LancerMany mental health professionals do not understand the 12-Step recovery process, unless they have participated in a 12-Step program. Although they may encourage their clients to do so, they may feel perplexed or intimated, or act patronizing. Often, therapists don’t realize that the 12-Steps are ...
Views: 4320(1 vote) - Growing Through Divorce - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerDivorce is a process of separation and transformation - a process that long precedes the dissolution decree. It is important to understand its stages, the cognitive, emotional, physical, legal and spiritual, which, if worked through, can substantially lessen the painful aftermath. ...
Views: 3994(1 vote) - Interrupting the Cycle of Chronic Pain - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerIf you suffer from chronic pain, you are not alone. Millions of Americans seek treatment for chronic pain, pain that continues for more than six months. Chronic pain is no longer viewed as a symptom, but as an illness in itself. Things we take for granted, such as eating, sleeping, dressing, ...
Views: 3720(2 votes) - Your Primary Spiritual Relationship - Loving Yourself - by Submitted on Aug 17, 2011 from Darlene LancerPopular culture is focused on attracting love, yet you’ll only be able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. You’ll deflect or guard love that doesn’t resonate with you – like a compliment you don’t believe. The opposite is also true. You’ll allow others to abuse you a bit less than ...
Views: 3565(3 votes) - How to Set Personal Boundaries - by Submitted on Mar 24, 2013 from Darlene LancerLove can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are ...
Views: 3450(7 votes) - Dilemmas of Codependent Men - by Submitted on May 26, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe dilemmas of codependent men aren’t talked about. Unlike women, men don’t discuss their relationship problems with friends and family. Instead, they internalize their pain. Many are in denial, suffer in silence, or become numb to their needs and feelings. They shun attention and try to do the ...
Views: 3372(2 votes) - Shame - The Hidden Cause of Addiction and Codependency - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerShame is so painful to the psyche that most people will do anything to avoid it – even though it’s a natural emotion that everyone has. It’s a physiologic response of the autonomic nervous system. You might blush, have a rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your ...
Views: 3230(2 votes) - Are You a Codependent Parent? - by Submitted on Sep 01, 2012 from Darlene LancerCodependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that codependency is learned in families and passed on generationally. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are codependent, codependency gets transmitted, unless they’re self-aware and ...
Views: 3164(6 votes) - Sexualty and Spirituality - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerThe Sexual Revolution, a la "Playboy", now behind us, as well as the Victorian attitudes which it rejected, perhaps we are ready for a new conception of sexuality, one not dividing, but embracing, both body and spirit. With few exceptions, such as the Tantric tradition, for centuries both ...
Views: 3095(1 vote) - Do You Love a Narcissist? - by Submitted on Sep 15, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive ...
Views: 3032(2 votes) - 6 Tips for Letting Go - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerHave you been told, “Just let go of it,” or tell yourself, “I have to let go,” but wonder, how? I’ve asked myself that question. Sometimes you want to let go of a worry or an obsession about someone else. You may try to detach, but can't. Other times when you can’t move forward after a major ...
Views: 2999(8 votes) - Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar? - by Submitted on Dec 03, 2010 from Darlene LancerThere are three million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Although both men and women may abuse others, an enormous number of women are subjected to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, many don’t even ...
Views: 2974(3 votes) - Recovery from Codependency - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerCodependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem; however, the relationship that’s the problem is not with someone else, but the ...
Views: 2963(8 votes) - BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-RESPONSIBILITY, AND SELF-EFFICACY - by Submitted on Oct 05, 2010 from Darlene LancerSelf-responsibility both reflects and generates self-esteem. People with high self-esteem feel that they are in charge of their lives. They have a sense of agency and self-efficacy. They take responsibility for their feelings, actions, and lives. It also means that you take responsibility for ...
Views: 2958(5 votes) - Light My Fire: Transformation Through the Chakras - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2009 from Darlene LancerThe creative life force sleeps within each of us like a coiled serpent, waiting to be unleashed to evolve mankind to the next level. Ancient Tantric practices awaken this energy, called kundalini, using the body, breath, sound, and visualizations to speed its journey to God realization. Man ...
Views: 2939(2 votes) - 6 Keys to Assertive Communication - by Submitted on Apr 17, 2011 from Darlene LancerCommunication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners – for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It's respectful, direct, honest, ...
Views: 2937(3 votes) - Codependent Problems in Relationships - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerEveryone laughs when I tell them that I wrote Codependency for Dummies. But codependency is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans, both in and out of relationships. I know. I spent decades recovering. There are all types of codependents, including ...
Views: 2795(2 votes) - 10 Habits that Lower Self-Esteem and Cause Depression - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2016 from Darlene LancerWhen our self-esteem is low, which is typical of codependency, we’re at greater risk for depression. Codependency is learned, and so are self-esteem and the beliefs and habits that cause both low self-esteem and codependency. Self-esteem is what we think about ourselves. It includes positive and ...
Views: 2643(2 votes) - How to Spot Emotional Unavailability - by Submitted on Jun 26, 2012 from Darlene LancerIf you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to ...
Views: 2636(7 votes) - Do You Have a Codependent Attachment Style? - by Submitted on Sep 23, 2014 from Darlene LancerWe’re wired for attachment – why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships. Fortunately, most people have a ...
Views: 2596 - Are You Codependent? - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerDo you wonder if you are Codependent? Do you regularly sacrifice your opinions, needs or wants, and then feel resentful? Do you feel guilty saying no and resentful when you don’t? Are you controlled by, or try to control someone else, whom your thoughts and feelings revolve around, as in the ...
Views: 2592(2 votes) - To Trust or Mistrust - Part I - by Submitted on Jun 09, 2012 from Darlene LancerMany people claim that they trust others until they have reason not to, but when you first meet someone, you don’t know anything about their integrity or past conduct, except what they tell you. Trustworthiness is proven over time by actions, not only by words. You can get hurt by believing what ...
Views: 2582(2 votes) - SEX AS MEDITATION - by Submitted on Sep 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerAll the times you’re disinterested in sex or just too tired, consider this: Sex doesn’t have to be about orgasm. Wrote Thoreau, “We need pray for no higher heaven than the pure senses can furnish, a purely sensuous life.” (The Writings of Henry David Thoreau, 1906). Yes, through lovemaking, ...
Views: 2572(1 vote) - Are You an Enabler and What You Can Do about It. - by Submitted on Mar 24, 2013 from Darlene LancerEnabling is a term often used in the context of a relationship with an addict. It might be a drug addict (which includes an alcoholic), gambler, or compulsive shopper. Enablers suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior rather than the addict. Enabling “removes the natural consequences to the ...
Views: 2535(7 votes) - What is Narcissistic Abuse? - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2016 from Darlene LancerNarcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire. But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the façade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work ...
Views: 2505(1 vote) - Rebuilding Trust - Part II - by Submitted on Apr 19, 2012 from Darlene LancerSatisfying relationships are built on a foundation of safety and trust that you won’t be hurt physically or emotionally. Whether you trust too little or too much is influenced by your past, but once trust is broken, your sense of safety is in jeopardy. You feel insecure and may begin to question ...
Views: 2504(2 votes) - 5 Tips on How to Keep New Year's Resolutions - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2013 from Darlene LancerWhy bother to make resolutions and then feel disappointed or guilty for breaking them? Do you get excited and resolve to change, but within days or weeks lose interest and can’t motivate yourself? Wonder why you get sidetracked by distractions or become easily discouraged when quick results ...
Views: 2437(3 votes) - Codependents are the Majority! - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, research revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they ...
Views: 2396(4 votes) - Do's and Don't's of Positive Conflict - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerIt’s normal to have conflict in relationships. People are different, and their desires and needs will inevitably clash. Resolving disagreements in a healthy way creates understanding and brings couples closer together. The objective should be the betterment of the relationship. This is positive ...
Views: 2338(5 votes) - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - by Submitted on Oct 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur mother is our first love. She’s our introduction to life and to ourselves. She’s our lifeline to security. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally long for her physical and emotional sustenance, her touch, her smile, and her protection. ...
Views: 2277(2 votes) - Dreams: The Doorway to Your Soul - by Submitted on Nov 02, 2010 from Darlene LancerDreams are the “Royal Road to the Unconscious,” said Freud. What you don’t know controls you. Your unconscious beliefs, fears, motives, and desires can thwart your goals, your health, and relationships. By understanding and learning to trust the messages in your dreams, you are communicating ...
Views: 2265(1 vote) - PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerChildren intuitively know that there are problems in a marriage, sometimes despite their parents' best efforts to hide them. They may even believe divorce is a welcome relief from their parents' hot or cold war. However, they do not share their parents' need to separate, but on the contrary, ...
Views: 2225(4 votes) - Codependency, Addiction, and Emptiness - by Submitted on Jul 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerEmptiness is a common feeling, and there are distinct types of emptiness, but it’s psychological emptiness that underlies codependency and addiction. Whereas existential emptiness is concerned with your relationship to life, psychological emptiness deals with your relationship to yourself. It’s ...
Views: 2223(2 votes) - Women's Self-Esteem For Stress Reduction, Balance, and Autonomy - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerIn working with women for decades, I've found that self-esteem is the common denominator of many women's issues. With better self-esteem, women are more able to find balance, handle stress, and claim their autonomy. Universally, women are considered inferior to men, and although our culture ...
Views: 2221(2 votes) - CODEPENDENCY ADDICTION: STAGES OF DISEASE AND RECOVERY - by Submitted on Dec 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerCodependency has been referred to as “relationship addiction” or “love addiction.” Our focus on others helps alleviate our pain and inner emptiness, but by ignoring ourselves, it only grows. This habit becomes a circular, self-perpetuating system that takes on a life of its own. Our thinking ...
Views: 2187(1 vote) - Codependency is based on Fake Facts - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on a lie. Its symptoms develop to cope with the deep, but false and painful belief – that “I’m not worthy of love and respect.” In the chart to the left, core symptoms of codependency are in red, but nearly all the symptoms revolve around shame – the shame that accompanies ...
Views: 2186(1 vote) - Codependency: Effect of Self-Esteem on Relationships - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerResearch has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships. A person’s initial level of ...
Views: 2110(2 votes) - THE POWER OF SELF-TALK - by Submitted on Nov 15, 2017 from Darlene LancerAre you aware that you talk to yourself all the time? We all do. Our self-talk makes a huge difference in our lives for better or for worse. The question to ask yourself is whether your inner voice is your friend or foe. Our unconscious is impacted by the words we say in the same way that it ...
Views: 2102(2 votes) - How to Raise Your Self-Esteem - What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Nov 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerSelf-esteem is key to success in work, and enjoyment of life and relationships. It affects our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and how we handle life's challenges. Low self-esteem underlies addiction, anxiety, depression, abuse, intimacy problems, and codependency. Our self-esteem is usually ...
Views: 2064(2 votes) - 10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerHas setting limits not worked? Despite your efforts, are your boundaries often ignored? It's frustrating, but it's not always the other person’s fault. Here's why and what to do. There are several reasons why boundaries don’t work. As I wrote in Codependency for Dummies and How to Speak Your ...
Views: 2054(2 votes) - Narcissism, Trump-isms, and Realism: The Narcissist's Illusion of Grandiosity - by Submitted on Oct 14, 2015 from Darlene LancerDonald Trump has grown an empire of wealth and power, but is it enough? He admits that it isn’t the money that motivates him. (The Art of the Deal, 1987) What drives narcissists are their fears of feeling weak, vulnerable, or inferior. Consequently, for male narcissists in particular, achieving ...
Views: 2054(1 vote) - Dysthymia (Chronic Depression) and Codependency - by Submitted on Nov 10, 2015 from Darlene LancerDysthymia or chronic depression is a common symptom of codependency; however, many codependents aren’t aware that they’re depressed. Because the symptoms are mild, most people with chronic depression wait ten years before seeking treatment.Dysthymia doesn’t usually impair daily functioning, but ...
Views: 2049(1 vote) - Codependency and Power - by Submitted on Jan 08, 2014 from Darlene LancerPower exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met. When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we ...
Views: 2029 - LOSSES OF DIVORCE: LETTING GO and MOVING ON - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerEven if you wanted the divorce, it entails loss. Aside from the ending of the relationship with your spouse, you may be losing your home, time with your children, in-laws, extended family, and even friends. There are inevitable financial losses, loneliness, a change of lifestyle, imagined ...
Views: 2024(1 vote) - 10 Steps to Self-Love and Nurturing - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerThe idea of self-love and self-nurturing baffles most people, especially codependents, who by and large, received inadequate parenting. The word “nurture” comes from the Latin nutritus, meaning to suckle and nourish. It also means to protect and foster growth. For young children, this usually ...
Views: 2010(1 vote) - 5 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Change Your Life - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur thoughts are powerful – for better or worse. Thoughts can set off chain reactions that build self-esteem or undermine it. Authority over our mind is the ultimate power. “Mind is everything. What you think you become,” said Buddha. Thoughts affect not only our mental health, relationships, ...
Views: 2010(3 votes) - Can Therapy Help You Change? - by Submitted on Nov 27, 2010 from Darlene LancerIs it possible to truly change? Does therapy help? Many people have turned their lives and fortunes around, while others spend years trying to change with or without therapy, but never seem to progress. What makes the difference? Certainly, there are skilled and unskilled psychotherapists. ...
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