What Are You Looking For?

Communication expert Dr. Deborah Ballard-Reisch advises single people to “Decide what you’re looking for in a partner, and then look for someone with those characteristics. Tell your friends and family what kind of person you’re looking for.” As many of my clients can attest, this is easier said than done. When asked, “What kind of person are you looking for?” one of my clients responded, “I don’t know… breathing would be a good start.”

While I hope she has a few more criteria beyond “Must have a pulse,” her humor illustrates a common difficulty. Many of us don’t know our “type,” and if we do it’s because we know that type isn’t right for us and we’re consciously trying NOT to choose it! It’s a type that attracts us – but we know we have to resist its lure!

So, it’s time to identify for yourself who and what you’re looking for specifically in a companion. Do you want someone who is a good communicator – who is open, honest, and articulate about their feelings? We all want that, so you need to go a step deeper. What kind of communicator would be ideal? How would those feelings be manifest? There are talkers and there are do-ers. Do you want a partner who says what they are thinking/feeling or demonstrates it? Or both? Remember, even the non-verbal is a form of communication.

I had a client whose boyfriend would give her the silent treatment for days – sometimes even weeks! She knew he was playing “freeze out” when he wouldn’t look at her, wouldn’t talk to her, and barely managed to mumble a half-audible monosyllabic response when she asked him a direct question. She didn’t know how to interpret this behavior, but I sure did! Non-communication is a form of communication; it sends a very strong message indeed! To many of us, this behavior would be unacceptable. But communication is full of nuances. Some people are more reserved and some wear their hearts and their thoughts on their sleeve. Knowing which category you fall into and what you need from a partner will help you determine what you can live with – and can’t live without.

What else are you looking for in a companion? Do you want someone who is respectful and thoughtful? Of course you do – no one says to them selves, “My perfect guy (or gal) is thoughtless, selfish and disrespectful.” Yet these are vague ideals and we sometimes end up with these jerks (and jerkettes) because we aren’t paying attention or – caught up in the throes of new lust/new love – we let little things slide. So, again, ask yourself: How does my ideal mate manifest the qualities of respect and thoughtfulness? To some, it’s through gestures like opening doors or bringing flowers. To others, it’s noticing that he/she is kind to the very young and the very old. Maybe it’s being accepting of others who are different or having a hard time. To others, it’s being asked for their opinions and preferences on a regular basis. You have to ask yourself what respect and thoughtfulness look like so you can know it when you see it (or when you don’t).

Assuming your new love interest meets the communication/thoughtfulness/respect test, there’s one more common request I hear from clients: they want someone with a sense of humor. This too can take many forms and means different things to different people. Does this mean you want to spend every weekend at the comedy club? Or that you want your partner to be the delight of the dinner party with his/her wry observations and cute quips? Does your perfect partner have a lively, sparkling sense of humor or are they more sarcastic and edgy? Maybe you want someone who is fall-off-your-chair funny, but more often we just need someone who can laugh at themselves and who helps us not to take ourselves too seriously.

The bottom line – regardless of the set of qualities you hope your ideal partner has – is this: Be Specific. The more clearly you can define yourself, your wants, and needs, the more clearly you can define the qualities you hope to find in a partner. Remember, two people can possess the same or similar personality characteristics and manifest them in totally different ways. Figure out how you’d like those qualities to be expressed, and you’re one step closer to answering the question, “What kind of person are you looking for?”