Dear Dr. Diana,
I read your article about cheating last week. Why do married men say they want to meet someone? I’ve been with a married man for two years now only because he is the someone that I have always wanted. He told me he was falling in love with me and then after 16 months I asked do you love me and he said "I CAN'T" What does that mean? I’m thinking about moving away to get out of the situation. If men say they are unhappy why don’t they leave?
- The other woman

Dear Other Woman,
Rather than write a discourse on why married men cheat, let’s turn it around. Why would a woman knowingly date a married man who is still living with his wife? What is going on with you? I can tell you that some women say that it’s fun and exciting without being confining. Often no one anticipates that it will get serious. And hey, there is nothing to be afraid of because after all he’s married. But I wonder if a woman who gets involved with married men has never had an experience of being able to count on a solid, safe connection with a man - let alone a romantic partner. Deep down, she doesn’t trust that a man will stick around and be committed to her anyway, so she gets to have a relationship without getting her hopes up. But in the end, when an attachment develops, she gets hurt anyway. Your reasons may be different but it’s hard to believe that it’s merely that ‘he is the someone that you’ve always wanted’. With so many fish in the sea, there must be more to it than that. With some earnest soul searching, you’ll likely discover that your true answer lies within you.
Now, back to your original question, why do men cheat? There are varying opinions regarding this question. Some anthropologists say that men crave sexual variety. Others dispute this using the argument that more men are monogamous than not. One anthropologist suggests that romantic love, attachment, and sex drive are not always in the same area of the brain making it easy for some folks to compartmentalize different relationships.
I think that most often people are longing to feel connected and appreciated. Sometimes, that’s easier to come by in the early limerence stage of a relationship, when it’s fresh and unencumbered by complicated history or the daily grind. Also, couples may not know how to make their relationship work and feel angry, lonely and afraid of true intimacy. Most of the time, people who have affairs are looking to have some unmet need met. They aren’t usually looking to leave their marriage. For the married or for the unwed, most people agree that having an affair rarely turns out to be a good solution to one’s unhappiness.

Author's Bio: 

Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist psy#12476 specializing in relationships, pre-marital counseling, couples counseling, and blended families. Her private practice is in Rancho Santa Fe, California, 92067. You can reach her @ (858) 259-0146 or