"You Don't Understand Me!"

An Issues Clearing Model for Better Communication

“You don’t understand me!” a wife screams at her husband. “How can I possibly understand you?” shouts the husband. “You’re not making any sense!!”

A mother bemoans to her teenage daughter, “We never spend any time together. You’re always out with your friends.” The daughter snickers as she walks out the door, “Yeah, well at least I have a life.”

The CEO sits at his desk and stares down the VP of Sales, “You’re not hitting your numbers. You’ve got one more month or else!” To which the VP of Sales retorts, “If you’d stop burdening me with customer service issues, I’d have time to make my calls!”

It’s easy to empathize with the tension, finger-pointing, and emotion in these examples. They are all-too-common instances that occur when two people in a relationship get stuck in their communication. Several years ago I was taught a method to clear any issue I’m having with my important relationships. This method helps prevent and shift relationships stuck in pain, suffering, and misunderstanding into ones that revel in ease, joy, and empathy. Since first learning this approach, I’ve field-tested it in a wide range of circumstances including:

• Preventing arguments and enhancing intimacy with my lover
• Improving communication with my eight year-old daughter
• Clearing issues with my business partner
• Facilitating a group of CEOs

I can say that the method works in all of these circumstances, and often remarkably well, so I thought you might benefit by learning it too.

What It Is

A mentor of mine, Jim Warner of On Course International, created the method called the Issues Clearing Model. It provides a structured format to clear just about any issue. In my own view, the Issues Clearing Model is designed to accomplish two things: help you be responsible in your communication and help you reflect emotion rather than negotiate with emotion.

I’ll explain more about both of these items – Responsibility and Reflection – in a bit, but before you read any further, download and print two copies of the Issues Clearing Model (http://www.lexsisney.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/IssuesClearingModel.pdf) and use it to follow along. It’s a good idea to print two copies because you’ll want to practice the Issues Clearing Model with someone and you’ll need a cheat sheet at first to guide you through the process.

How to Use It

The Issues Clearing Model is one of those things that seem challenging at first and get easy after a few tries. Perhaps the biggest challenge is to summon the initial courage to communicate in a new way. As you’ll see, when you try it, that it’s worth it.

The Issues Clearing Model is designed to be used by both people in the relationship. The person with the issue starts and states the facts, their story, feelings and responsibilities, and what they specificaly want to have occur. The other person listens and then reflects back to ensure mutual understanding. At the end, if needed, the parties can switch roles and the person who brought the issue forward now listens and reflects back.

Although the process is designed to be used by two people, I’ve also found it an effective practice even if the other person isn’t comfortable participating with me. That is, I use it to structure my own communication. The other person is usually better able to hear me and tends to respond more openly and receptively, even without reciprocating the exercise.

For example, my eight year-old daughter isn’t at an age where she can comfortably engage in reflection. But when I express my issues in an appropriate way using the first part of the Issues Clearing Model, we both still benefit. Why? I’m speaking in a Responsible way and I’m appropriately Reflecting my own emotions without blaming or shaming or “shoulding” her.

In the same vein, your boss may not have the desire to engage in a structured two-way communication (in fact, he may be less mature than Alexa, my eight year-old). But don’t let the notion of “my boss or my wife would never agree to this” stop you from taking responsibility for your own communication. You’ll be surprised at how the other responds and, as they get more comfortable, they may be open to participating as well.

Why Use It

We all want to experience harmonious relationships with those closest to us – our mates, parents, relatives, siblings, children, friends, and our colleagues at work. But more often than not, just like the examples above, poor communication can derail our closest relationships.

You are an effective communicator when you tend to always follow two simple rules in your communication:

1) You are Responsible in your communication.
2) You Reflect emotion and never negotiate with emotion.

When you follow these two rules, Responsibility and Reflection, your communication with those closest to you naturally improves as well. You can help prevent issues from emerging and have the power to clear them when they do emerge.

To be Responsible means that you take ownership for the issue and your reaction to it. You speak in unarguable truths and “I” statements. Not in unclear truths and “You” statements that make the other person feel blamed, shamed, and misunderstood.

To be Reflective means that you honor the other’s right to feel what he or she is really feeling. To be Reflective also means reflecting on your own emotions, the story you’re creating, your own part in the issue, and what positive specific outcome you desire.

Negotiating with emotions, on the other hand, implies that whatever you or someone else are feeling is not acceptable. To negotiate with emotions is a bad practice all around. It causes pain and suffering, and builds a brittle wall in your relationships. To be Reflective with emotions means that you honor and acknowledge what you and the other person are feeling, but you don’t take on their emotions as your own, nor do you try to get the other person to stop feeling their emotions. You just reflect them.

Reflecting emotions, rather than negotiating them, is also a recognition of responsibility. Who is ultimately responsible for what you are feeling? You are. Who is ultimately responsible for what others are feeling? They are.

Often we negotiate with emotion in others because it’s too hard to deal with it in ourselves. For example, for a long time, if the woman in my life was feeling down or depressed, I would feel responsible and try to “fix” it. If I couldn’t fix it, I’d start to feel like I was failing and so I’d withdraw into myself. This resulted in her feeling more depressed and soon led to a vicious cycle where both of us felt hurt and abandoned by the other.

As I became more aware, I realized that I’m not at all responsible for how someone else is feeling. At the same time, I am 100% responsible for my own feelings. Just because my woman is feeling down doesn’t mean I’m failing as a partner, right? It’s always obvious in hindsight. And that rather than fixing a problem, I am a better partner by simply hearing her, empathizing, and accepting what she is feeling.

So don’t negotiate with someone’s emotions. When you do, it contributes to the other person’s feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or belittled in relationship to you. Instead, be Responsible and Reflective.

When to Use It

As a general rule of thumb, use this model any time you’re feeling negative emotions or judgments arise or believe they might arise. When you notice a rise in negative emotions occurring, stop the conversation, and start the Issues Clearing Model. If you’re dealing with a very emotionally charged issue, you’ll want to work with a coach, facilitator, or therapist.

Do use it when you’re giving constructive feedback and advice. It’s a powerful way to consciously separate yourself from what’s a fact and what’s a story. It also encourages you to examine your own part and get clear about what it is you really want the other person to change or do differently. When you give feedback or advice in this responsible and reflective way, you’ll find that other people are much more receptive rather than defensive.

When Not to Use It

Don’t use the Issue Clearing Model when the other person has no interest in being in a harmonious relationship with you. Relationships are a two-way street – if yours is only one-way, do yourself a favor and let the relationship go gracefully. However, often we can perceive that someone has zero interest in being in a harmonious relationship with us when, in actuality, that person is feeling shut down and hurt because we have been negotiating with their emotions rather than reflecting them. So give the Issues Clearing Model a real try before deciding what to do with your relationships.

Don’t use the Issue Clearing Model when you’re in a crisis or under tremendous time pressure. It’s not something you just speed through, rip off, and be done with it. You need to be in a space to really hear and empathize with yourself and the other person. Come back to the Issues Clearing Model when you have more time.

Summary

Relationships can be a source of great joy, laughter, and ease. They can also be a great pain in the neck and rife with fear, frustration, and loneliness. If you want to have safe, harmonious and productive relationships at home and work, you need to do two things: Always speak Responsibly and always Reflect emotion. It takes some courage and practice to become proficient with the Issues Clearing Model, but once you make the commitment, you’ll have access to a simple way to create happier, easier, and more productive relationships all around you.