Browse published articles attributed to Dr. Anne Brown, with full-archive search.
"Whenever one person stands up and says, "Wait a minute, this is wrong," it helps other people do the same." Gloria Steinem
Wouldn’t it be great if we could wave our magic wand and no one would relapse? Until we understand more about addictions (and we have work to do there), we will have to tackle relapse in other ways. Let’s look at a couple of possible breakdowns that might lead to relapse and find some ways to avoid the traps. First of all, everyone is different. We can give a general plan and it is up to you (with your team) to make it specific to your vulnerabilities. In working with my clients, here are a couple of key areas I’ve found that need to be addressed: Structurer
Yesterday I was weeding in my back yard and I had a realization. Weeding the yard is so much easier than weeding out our thoughts. Weeding out unwanted thoughts needs tools. What are your tools for weeding out ineffective thoughts? What about ones that actually take you down? Do you have different tools for each of these? I’m not into perfect tools I’m into effective ones. Are yours effective? I want to share some of my favorite tools. The first one is just to clear your head so you can calm down the chatter or lists, or all the peoples demands. Hands Shakingr
" Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs Someone recently asked me the definition of Codependency, so let's take a look at what we can see to help uncover this complicated phenomenon. The visual I have is someone who is suppose to be driving his own car in the race of life, but he is running around cleaning everyone else's car.
Are you ready to die? Most people aren’t? Yet if we are not willing to be with death it will hunt us down. Last week I had a gigantic dose of people sitting with death. My contractor’s 10-year-old daughter with an inoperable brain tumor on the brain stem. Next a dear friend called with breast cancer, then another dear friends sister found out she had a brain tumor all within less than 24 hours. All sitting with what we are all sitting with only they are doing it consciously. Befriending death.
"The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other." ~ Jane Bauston Do treat your Children like Gold! Remember you just turned your children's life (and they didn't have a vote) upside down. They now have to decipher new rules, new logistics, probable logistical chaos until their stuff finally gets where it is suppose to be, emotional land mines, and they have just inherited all the things you divorced your "ex" about. Maybe you were able to shield your children from some of the "bad stuff" going on and now they have to figure things out on their own.
April is Divorce Recovery Month! We asked a number of contributors to the DivorceForce Community for their input on "divorce recovery" and here is part 1 of some of the responses we received. **Anne Brown PhD RNMSCS http://www.backbonepower.com - Make a list of 2-3 things you want to be different on May 1st. It could be as simple as eating healthy, a regular exercise plan, and a social occasion with a friend set up once a week. And then make it happen! Evidence of progress is very empowering and puts you on the road to successful recovery!
What are the components of successful people? So many people over time have dissected this and put the pieces together backwards and forwards. They have used it to sell courses. The formula has been used to sell everything imaginable. I don’t want to sell you anything. I want to give you Priceless tips. The one thing all successful people have in common whether they are financially successful, mentally successful, spiritually successful, relationally successful all of the above or some of the above is energy. Sounds so simple doesn’t it?
1. Physical Abuser In theory, in this country, no one can touch you as adults in any way (physically or sexually) without your permission. At the horrendous end of the spectrum of physical abuse are the stories we hear about the beating, burning, rape, mutilation, sex slaves, etc. and at the lesser end of the spectrum, we hear about people using their physicality to bully and get their way. In a healthy marriage, the couple respects each other’s physical boundaries and sex is a mutually agreed-upon part of intimacy.
It's April, your divorce papers are signed, and it's a new chapter, scary, exciting, change, and your choice if you recover or crash land! Let's make a list of things to remember. 1. Change is good. 2. Keep a journal. 3. Make a schedule for time when the children are with you AND for when you have your free time. 4. Make a budget. 5. Shop for healthy food and set up menus. 6. Hire a therapist just for you or find a group for people going through change or reinventing themselves. 7. Schedule in physical exercise, which may be walks until you figure things out.r
Title: Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No Genre: Co-dependency/Stress Management Synopsis: A No Nonsense approach to Making Decisions. A Self Help Guide to having Backbone and Integrity in all your choices, short term and long term. Is this decision going to be good for Me? To help Me be successful? How do I make the right choices? What are the effects and the outcomes. Ask yourself, Who am I really making these choices for?
Whether this is your first time in the dating world or you are newly divorced and entering the dating world, there are some steps you can take to help guard against divorce. There are no guarantees and why not do everything you can to live happily ever after with that someone special?
"You must do the things you think you can't do." Eleanor Roosevelt
People-pleasers are at risk in the domains of finance, love, sex, family, and friendship. How is it that we can manage a successful business but still have a failed personal life? Extending a hand to others after taking care of yourself is how we make the world a better place for our children and our grand children. In today's world, it's no longer optional but mandatory to learn the skills of a warrior.
People-pleasers are at risk in the domains of finance, love, sex, family, and friendship. How is it that we can manage a successful business but still have a failed personal life? Extending a hand to others after taking care of yourself is how we make the world a better place for our children and our grand children. In today's world, it's no longer optional but mandatory to learn the skills of a warrior.
No one plans on getting divorced when they get married, and yet that is a possible outcome for some. If you have spent your life mastering people pleasing, always saying yes, being diplomatic, and putting everyone else's needs before yours, you will suffer tremendously if you are confronted with going through a divorce. The following are some areas of negotiating a divorce that people pleasing needs to be replaced with having a Backbone. 1. Fight for you Marriage
How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Live Life with Authenticity | Get Backbone Power Audiobook by Dr. Anne Brown -a psychotherapist, speaker, author, coach. https://backbonepower.com/backbonepower-audiobook/ A No-Nonsense Approach to Making Decisions. A Self Help Guide to having Backbone and Integrity in all your choices, short term, and long term. Is this decision going to be good for Me? To help Me be successful? How do I make the right choices? What are the effects and the outcomes? Ask yourself, Who am I really making these choices for?
A No-Nonsense Approach to Making Decisions. A Self Help Guide to having Backbone and Integrity in all your choices, short term, and long term. Is this decision going to be good for Me? To help Me be successful? How do I make the right choices? What are the effects and the outcomes? Ask yourself, Who am I really making these choices for?
Should I leave my relationship? This question is probably one of the top ten reasons people have come into my practice asking for help. I am a therapist who prefers to work preventatively. I would like someone who is in the market for a relationship to already be in therapy. A good therapist can evaluate your history with intimacy, help you heal your wounds, and help you get clear on who might be a good partner for you. A Quick Guide of Gauging Toxicityr
Honor your children by fighting for your marriage and if you decide to divorce, do it with dignity! If you are at the point of asking this question, you have some distinctions to consider.
A Voice For Our Veteransr In honor of Veterans Day, we are going to begin to give a voice to our veterans in Part One. In Part Two we are going to offer insights on how we can be better friends, countrymen/women when our veterans return and actually when they are away as well.
People-pleasers are at risk in the domains of finance, love, sex, family, and friendship. How is it that we can manage a successful business but still have a failed personal life? Extending a hand to others after taking care of yourself is how we make the world a better place for our children and our grand children. In today's world, it's no longer optional but mandatory to learn the skills of a warrior.
People-pleasers are at risk in the domains of finance, love, sex, family, and friendship. How is it that we can manage a successful business but still have a failed personal life? Extending a hand to others after taking care of yourself is how we make the world a better place for our children and our grand children. In today's world, it's no longer optional but mandatory to learn the skills of a warrior.
People-pleasers are at risk in the domains of finance, love, sex, family, and friendship. How is it that we can manage a successful business but still have a failed personal life? Extending a hand to others after taking care of yourself is how we make the world a better place for our children and our grand children. In today's world, it's no longer optional but mandatory to learn the skills of a warrior.
Our Historyr When we look at the history of women as it relates to men, we see that it has only been in the last 100 years that we were given rights. Before we had rights, women and children were the property of men. Men could do with us whatever they pleased, whenever they pleased. This included all forms of abuse: sexual, physical, and emotional. Having no rights, we were groomed to be compliant, to obey, to serve, to not speak up, to not have a voice, and generally be an extension of the man. Both church and state enabled and didn’t interfere with this paradigm.
We Are All One! We are living during a time where we have forgotten we are all one. We all have muscles, bones, organs, tissues, blood and we come in different colored packages. We also have different ideas. We have to find ways to connect through our similar beliefs and learn through our dissimilar beliefs. We also have to challenge our fears and ask ourselves are they grounded in reality or not. We have a golden rule that I still think works and is well said by Karen Armstrong.
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” Aristotle OK we all know this right? And yet how many of us enter into the most intimate relationship with our partners “saying nothing.” For those who still can’t discuss sex, it is time to lift that veil. Requests in the domain of sex to many are the Everest of requests so to speak. So many men equate a negative response to requests in this area as a reflection of their inadequacy. Women know this, don’t want to offend, and so say nothing. Sex then goes into the “be nothing” category.
Backbone Power, an easy to understand book, tackles the question of whether being a “people pleaser” is a virtue or a curse. Backbone Power takes the reader on a self-guided tour of their deepest thought processes to arrive at an understanding of the true “Self”. As they gain a better understanding of what drives their reasoning process, they are able to learn how to better assert themselves. Dr. Brown has been able to craft her message so as to empower people to develop a “Backbone” with the power to say “No”.
It is 2016 and we are seriously off track! 1. Delete Hate
Remember Sociopaths are opportunists and you are at risk for being that opportunity for him. I need five commitments from you if you want to avoid the wake of destruction that comes from dating a Sociopath. 1. Commitment to your Heart: Healing a broken heart takes time in pain and sorrow. Dating a Sociopath? Yes, he is fun, exciting, seductive, and yes he is superficial, without conscience, without compassion, a liar, and looking for the opportunity you are. It is not IF your heart will be broken, it is WHEN.
Take the time for a self-journey. Getting on a journey with your self requires courage, consciousness, feedback from a trusted advisor, vulnerability, insight, and the refreshing ability to apologize for starters. Knowing your strengths and challenges, competences and incompetence’s, where you are a beginner and where a master, is the first step of this journey. Surrounding yourself with people who value this consciousness and are seeking it as well is refreshing. Clarity about who you are with all your foibles builds confidence and self-esteem and is very attractive.
In Part One: https://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/challenges-to-having-a-holiday-in-recovery, we discussed many breakdowns reported to me by clients which can ruin the holidays. Now we will look at some tools to deal with those breakdowns. As I said in Part One having a strong mind is an important piece of the solution. Remember stress is in the eyes of the beholder. It certainly doesn’t feel like that to me sometimes and I continually have to remind myself to change my interpretation of the situation. The holidays are a great test to see how we do.
Backbone Tools: From Codependency to Dignityr If you grew up in a family with lots of dysfunction e.g. alcohol, anger, illness physical or mental, Borderline/narcissistic (it is all about me), or any other phenomena other than adult people being normal loving parents to their children you may have developed the symptoms of codependency.
What is this phenomenon “I need to make everyone in the world like me or people-pleasing?” This is a tough concept because in one-way people-pleasers are nice to be around. If we look deeper we have to ask at what cost? People pleasing can affect both men and women. The history of women, however, is to be compliant and accommodating. Women have been taught, “Don’t rock the boat, and just agree.”
" You will never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." Christopher Columbus Denial is a mechanism we use consciously or unconsciously to alter reality, usually to pretend it is better than it is. We don't want to see aspects of life for which we have no solution or we don't like the solution.
Dear Mom and Dad, Please remember my life has been turned upside down and I never had a vote. I don't have a rulebook to negotiate waters totally unfamiliar to me. It is really hard for me to understand that my family has broken up. I feel scared that I will loose one or both of you. I don't know what to do with all the bad feelings I have. It would really mean a lot to me if you could do a few things to help me with the land mines I seem to be stepping on. Thanks for taking the time to listen.
The Challenges to Having a Holiday in Recovery
"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself!" Rationalizing is something we do when we don't want to face the truth. Rationalizing is something we use to make what just happen ok in our eyes. Rationalizing is a tool for survival when things are too bad to survive. Rationalizing helps us cope when we can't cope! Rationalizing is making up a story to protect those we love in our eyes! Rationalizing is smoothing everything over because the road became too bumpy. Rationalizing is what people do to enable substance abusers.
we introduced the importance of being able to say No. For the purpose of our discussion this week we are talking about people with equal status in the relationship. This does not include parent-child, teacher-student, or employer-employee. These relationships have different guidelines for dignity. The relationships we are talking about are people out in the world negotiating life. People chatting on the Internet, attending school, in social situations, in family relationships other than parent-child need to include the ability to say No in their quest for dignity.
How do I know if I am acting codependent or loving? This is an excellent question and often confusing for many for different reasons. Let’s look at the definitions of codependent and loving and see what we find. Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. For the purpose of this article, we will include some distinctions of love: Truth Strong Energizingr Codependency: Codependency for the purpose of this discussion is a recognizable system of learned personality traits that negatively affect knowing one’s self and others.
A child’s letter to his divorced parents. Dear Mom and Dad, The operative word here Mom and Dad is My events. You are a guest here and I ask you to act accordingly. My events include but are not limited to: 1. My teacher’s conferences. 2. My athletic events. 3. My musical recitals. 4. My birthday party. 5. My school plays. 6. My school graduations And later 7. My Prom 8. My going to college 9. My wedding So here are some guidelines which I ask if you can’t follow, best you postpone coming until you can. Your Divorce, My Eventr
Take Your Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse To The Next Level! From the safety of your home learn trauma-transforming steps to not only empower you but also make notable reductions in the vast array of trauma symptoms. What would it be like to have an action-oriented roadmap for recovery that has helped thousands of survivors find their path to a vibrant and resilient recovery? Attend this Telesummit if you want to: Learn best practices and research-oriented strategies for healing the trauma of narcissistic abuse
Remember our question from Part One: How do I know if I am acting codependent or loving? Also, let’s review our definitions of “codependent” and “loving”: Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. For the purpose of this article, we will include some more distinctions of love: Brave Kindr Trustingr
Who is a Sociopath? Sociopaths/Psychopaths are fun, exciting, seductive, charismatic, impulsive, sexy, AND unfortunately, individuals diagnosed with an anti-social personality disorder. Dr. Anne Brownr What does this mean to you? After you have been drawn into their world, then you are going to find: Sociopaths don’t keep agreements. They have a disregard for the law and any rules. Sociopaths lie, are deceitful, can use aliases for their own personal financial gains or pleasure. They are not conce ed with their own or your safety.r
Who is a Sociopath? "Sociopaths/Psychopaths are fun, exciting, seductive, charismatic, impulsive, sexy, AND unfortunately, individuals diagnosed with an anti-social personality disorder." — Dr. Anne Brown What does this mean to you? After you have been drawn into their world, then you are going to find: 1. Sociopaths don’t keep agreements. 2. They have a disregard for the law and any rules. 3. Sociopaths lie, are deceitful, can use aliases for their own personal financial gains or pleasure. 4. They are not conce ed with their own or your safety.r
Remember Sociopaths are opportunists and you are at risk for being that opportunity for him. I need five commitments from you if you want to avoid the wake of destruction that comes from dating a Sociopath. 1. Commitment to your Heart: Healing a broken heart takes time in pain and sorrow. Dating a Sociopath? Yes, he is fun, exciting, seductive, and yes he is superficial, without conscience, without compassion, a liar, and looking for the opportunity you are. It is not IF your heart will be broken, it is WHEN.
Unfortunately, there are several types of people who are going to be contentious in a divorce and they have to be handled differently. And many personnel involved in the divorce process do not prepare or educate the spouse of a contentious person correctly. If you have ever been told or if you suspect you are married to a borderline, psychopath, sociopath, narcissistic personality, or untreated chemically dependent person, for openers pay attention. For the purpose of this discussion we will call this person contentious.