Browse Codependency

Bring Your Self to Your Relationship It is a phenomenon when we feel energized, connected, and alive past the infatuation stage of our relationship.

Parents want what is best for their children. If a mother and father do their best to raise their child, offering strong guidance and attentive parenting, then it is a job well done. However, letting go of that parental authority can be a challenge, particularly when the child grows into a ...

Yesterday afte oon I was in my car, and a song that I hadn’t heard since I was a kid came on the radio. I was surprised that I could remember every word. Where had I been storing that? I started thinking about how amazing the mind is. It houses all of the memories of our past, and then, as quickly as hearing the tune of a song, can retrieve them as though they happened yesterday.

Which comes first passive men or controlling women? © Evelyn Leite Why do they always seem to team up? This is a question asked of me recently by a reader. Possibly because two passive people would end up on the streets and two overtly controlling people would end up killing each other? Do they feed on each other? Do they each select the other out of some sense of familiarity from childhood?

Sometimes, the breakup is initiated by the long-suffering spouse or intimate partner of the narcissist or psychopath. As she develops and matures, gaining in self-confidence and a modicum of self-esteem (ironically, at the narcissist’s behest in his capacity as her “guru” and “father figure”), she acquires more personal autonomy and refuses to cater to the energy-draining neediness of her narcissist: she no longer provides him with all-important secondary narcissistic supply

Question: “I’m very sensitive. I can easily feel other people emotions. But, often, it feels as though I’m just bombarded and sometimes I don’t know where my emotions stop and another’s begin. I just have strong empathy abilities, right?” Answer: Maybe. In my spiritual travels, I’ve met many empathetic people. Being empathetic isn’t always a good thing. One dictionary defines empathetic as a “ready comprehension of others’ states.” Being empathetic means one can easily iden

Years ago I sat in a supervision group with a group of collages in which we discussed various cases. We were all new at this counseling thing, and frequently brought our “worst” cases to the group for any sort of help we could get. One particular day someone brought up a couple they were counseling, and reported they were at a horrible impasse. The therapist had tried communication skills, Cognitive Restructuring, Family Sculpting……. I think you get the idea. The couple just

Codependent behavior is not actually classified as a disorder by most doctors or the medical association. It is listed as a group of behaviors that are maladaptive. This indicates that the codependent person ignores the problem, such as stressful thoughts and circumstances, and attempts to ...

This man doesn’t make the headlines. He won’t steal your money or kill you and dump your body on the side of the road. But he can steal your heart, rob you of your time and kill you slowly from the inside out like radiation that eats at your heart and soul. Does Your Man Act Like This? 1.Is your man detached, and sometimes cold and distant? 2.Does he seem to come close then pull back again and again? 3.Do you believe it could be wonderful if you could just get past his wall

Thoughts for Growing through Prayer Steps to SerenitynnCame to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. — The Second Stepnn“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds.” declares the LORD, “because you are called an outcast.” — Jeremiah 30:17nnIn the Second Step to Serenity, Day 8, in my book "Prayer Steps to Serenity," I wrote, “I joyfully believed and affirmed that a Power greater than myself could substantially heal my

Are you taking advantage of the incredible insight of your dreams? If not, you should be. Your dreams are full of wisdom. It is one of the ways that your inner guide speaks to you. Some people don't think that they dream, but everybody does. Many times, dreams are just forgotten within moments of waking up.

What is codependent behavior? When you try to define codependent you may see many definitions that essentially refer to the same problem: an excessive caring for another person that borders on psychological obsession. Is there such a thing as a person being too caring? Don’t all people desire ...

Codependency can often cause individuals to lose themselves in their relationships. They ignore their own feelings, needs and problems. Instead, they choose to obsess over the person that they "love." They are obsessed with the other person's feelings and needs. Although you would think that ...

When I was young, they told me that being selfish was bad. They said that I should think of others first. I didn’t understand. What did they mean and why did they say that? I felt the terrible burn of shame when they said I was being selfish and self-centered. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. I was only trying to tell them what I wanted, was trying to get what I wanted or get more of what I wanted. What was wrong with that?nnSince that time, I have turned all

This is an interesting question, because there are some mental health professionals, as well as family heads, that believe codependency is a myth and that there is nothing wrong with “excessive care.” The belief is that while some people may find overbearing family members or friends troubling, ...

If you are looking for codependency information then you may have noticed that the definition of codependent can imply many different behaviors and symptoms. The essence of the codependent definition is that a person will demonstrate excessive caring, to the point that it is inappropriate or ...

Excerpted from the April 21,2011 episode of my radio show, A Fine Time for Healing Roughly 100 millio Americans suffer the effects of codependency today. Relationship codependency is often referred to as the “White Knight” syndrome, because the codependent tends to be a rescuer. Codependency is a commonly and loosely used term that we often hear, but many of us do not know exactly what it means. Within the context of addiction there are three types of codependency; the enab

At some point in my development (it's an ongoing process), I gained a fear of confrontation. As I went on, it became more and more prevalent and became a part of my personality. I was a "nice guy", which is fine and certainly carries redeeming qualities; however, I found myself with many problems associated with this. I was unable to stand up for myself. I found myself saying "yes" to everything, even when I didn't want to do something. My love life suffered because I was so

Most women, from the time they were little girls, were raised to be caretakers. We learned early on that we should be sweet, play nice, and put others first. While the boys around us were playing cops and robbers, we were busy playing house. We were taking care of our dolls and cooking dinner for our imaginary husbands. It is no surprise that we then grow up feeling like we have to put everybody’s needs before our own.

Codependents sometimes seem almost misplaced. You seem to have a hard time relating to whom you truly are and for that reason you have a hard time setting boundaries. You have a hard time saying no to people and you let people cross the line of what should be your boundaries and hurt you. You tend to lose your sanity, your self-respect and yourself within relationships. It is not wrong to give to others. It is when others take more than you are willing or able to give them t

One of the key contributing factor of Procrastination – Indolencer First of all, let’s understand what indolence is. It simply means laziness or disinclined to complete a task or activity, for instance, when you want to lose weight by doing routine exercise, you will delay this task by finding many excuses, like “I am too tired after a full day work, maybe do it tomorrow”, “Not feeling well and right for exercise now”, “I am not in the mood to exercise now” and many many more

Stop Sabotaging Yourself!

Understanding codependency characteristics first involves understanding where this behavior comes from. Like any pattern of behavior, codependency is learned from family members. Codependency is a survival characteristic, one that is used as a coping mechanism with stressful situations. Much ...

Take a close look at the life of any person struggling with addiction, and you will likely find at least one family member or friend 'helping' that person. Somebody making it easier for the addict to continue in the progression of their disease. This behavior is called enabling. The problem is that this form of helping is actually hurting.

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Throughout the first sixteen years of my marriage my husband, Dean, struggled with his addiction to alcohol, prescription pain pills, and crack cocaine. As his addiction continued to get worse, my ability to set healthy boundaries failed. This didn’t happen ove ight -- it was a gradual process that eventually left me feeling powerless.

"Recovery involves bringing to consciousness those beliefs and attitudes in our subconscious that are causing our dysfunctional reactions so that we can reprogram our ego defenses to allow us to live a healthy, fulfilling life instead of just surviving. So that we can own our power to make choices for ourselves about our beliefs and values instead of unconsciously reacting to the old tapes. Recovery is consciousness raising. It is en-light-en-ment - bringing the dysfunctional attitudes and beliefs out of the darkness of our subconscious into the Light of consciousness.

Relationship addiction is becoming recognised more and more as a serious problem requiring careful co-dependency counselling. Co-dependency in general terms means two parties in a relationship based on a mutual dependency. Most relationships have a mutual level of healthy dependency. However, some relationships can become addictive, toxic and extremely unhealthy to the point where the relationship addiction begins to affect both parties negatively.nn What is Co-Dependency? nC

The holidays can be a magical time for families. It is a time for wonderful parties, great food, bonding, reminiscing about the past, and gift giving. Family members often travel great lengths to be together. For many people, it is the only time of year that their family is all together as one.

As an author and speaker on co-addiction, and as a wife of a recovering drug-addict, one of the most common questions I get is how do you forgive? It is understandable that after all of the lies, betrayal, and pain that come with addiction that loved ones would have a difficult time forgiving. It can seem unjustifiable. After everything the addict has subjected you to, why should they be forgiven?

By Sam Vakninr Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" The narcissist’s False Self is grandiose. The narcissist seeks to maintain his inflated fantasy of himself. He denies, slices and splits off, and “evacuates” or projects onto others emotions, cognitions (thoughts), traits, impulses, behaviors and qualities that contradict and contravene it. In the idealization and devaluation phases, the narcissist also attributes to his sources of primary or secondary narc

Not all Emotional Abuse is obvious. In fact, behavior that belies Emotional Abuse often starts out feeling good. Have you ever met the charmer, the smooth talker? Everything you say and do he finds adorable. Narcissists are masters of charm and sweet talk. His doting and compliments feel good. At first, you won’t believe your luck in finding someone so able to listen, talk things through and make you laugh. But, when it comes to dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorde

After two decades of addiction, my husband, Dean, had finally accepted treatment. He was on the right path and ready to begin a fresh start. As he returned home, clean and full of hope, the joy I felt for his long-awaited recovery was joined by the sobering reality of debt. Years of addiction had taken it’s toll on our finances, and it was difficult to deny the anger and resentment that surfaced along with the overdue bills and collection letters.

Are You Abandoned or Smothered in Your Relationship? Couples get stuck in how they relate in their relationship and no matter how they try to get unstuck, to meet their needs and to create a satisfying relationship, they just get more and more buried in dissatisfaction.

As an author and speaker on co-addiction, and as a wife of a recovering drug-addict, one of the most common questions I get is how do you forgive? It is understandable that after all of the lies, betrayal, and pain that come with addiction that loved ones would have a difficult time forgiving. It can seem unjustifiable. After everything the addict has subjected you to, why should they be forgiven?

Just over five years ago my life was in complete turmoil. I was in a marriage with an out of control addict. I had lost practically all of my possessions due to my husband pawning anything valuable to support his habit, and we were on the verge of foreclosure. I felt emotionally and physically broken down. I really couldn’t find anything in my life to feel happy about. I felt completely powerless.

How can he be so selfish? He can clearly see how much pain he’s causing - why doesn’t he care? I can’t take the stress any longer. He’s destroying all of our dreams. Our lives have become Hell. Isn’t he tired of living this way? These are the typical thoughts that run through your mind when you love a person with a drug or alcohol dependency. You can’t understand why he continues on such a destructive path. Why does he make so many bad choices? Why does he cause so much pain to his family and loved ones?

Low self-esteem is a characteristic of the person from a psychological point of view, but nevertheless it’s a good idea to view it as a disease. It’s similar to a disease in the fact that it brings lots of negative impact in your life. From the overall feeling of worthlessness, through the increased chance of mood disorders and depression, and finally – the enormous amount of missed opportunities, low self-esteem can be the doom of proper development , advancement, and

What if I showed you some simple ways and tactics that will help you to generate more traffic from your articles? These 3 simple steps when applied will help you to get all the free traffic you will ever need to promote your website from article marketing. Make sure you apply all these 3 steps in all the articles you write from now on. These 3 steps will make sure to drive storms of visitors to your website from your articles for years to come.nnThese 3 steps when applied on

This is the time of year that we may get That Christmas Letter from someone who is so successful or seemingly perfect that you think they must have reached celebrity status by now. Do they ever tire of telling you how perfect their life is, how their absolutely perfect children are excelling in school or sports, and Hubby is being promoted, also Wifey is state president of the PTA, their wonderful vacation to wherever-it-is-that-is-fashionable-this-year, year after year, la l

Before seeking help with conquering codependency, you must first understand the condition and identify if you really have a problem with it. Codependency is defined as a group of behaviors related to the idea of excessive care taking. While loving someone too much should not be reason for ...

How do we relate to others? One of the key aspects which influences all our interactions with others is the extent of unconscious co-dependent behaviour that exists in us. Ask yourself this question: Is there anything in my life, right now, that I feel anxious about? Do I feel responsible, in some way, for someone else’s feelings and/or needs? Or, try it this way: Is there any anxiety in me that isn’t about me wanting control of someone’s perception of me because I believe t

Renewing your mind can result in a different attitude towards life: you will go into situations with a stronger resolve, a more peaceful spirit, and you will solve problems more effectively. The calmer and more serene you are in your own mind, the better you will handle the stress that crops up ...

"I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the exte al things over which I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have ..."I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the exte al things over which I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree

In my view, as I look back over the last 30 years of being a therapist, I notice how much more human and humane therapists have become and how much more personal the therapy process has become. The momentous impact of more humanistically and transpersonally-oriented therapies has actually ...

"In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems ..."In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.

From TheTransitio ProcessTM Interactive Lecture HOW TO ATTRACT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE The following is a list of The 20 Do's and Don'ts of A Functional Relationship. It has been an effective tool and starting point for individuals and couples who are serious about creating more joy, honesty, and real intimacy in their lives. Most often clients they say this list has given them a beginning template of what a functional relationship should look like. Hierarchy of A Functional Relationship Intimacy Love Respect Trustr Truth

One of the reasons for the success of the 12 Step programs is that they are based on solid principles that can be applied to many areas of life, and that includes business. A successful company takes stock regularly and turns liabilities into assets. Here are some guidelines for applying the 12 Step principles for managment conflict and resolution in business situations, whether with systems or people. nn 1. Admit there is a problem. nn The very first step in dealing with any

When you love somebody struggling with addiction, you pray for the day when he or she agrees to accept treatment. Maybe they reach 'rock bottom' and ask for help, but it's more likely that an ultimatum or plea from family and friends is what pushes them toward making the choice. Regardless of what steps get them to saying "yes", being ready with a plan for treatment is vital. In the time it takes to make arrangements they could change their mind. This is why it's so important for the family to find a good treatment program -- even before the addict agrees.

I have a true story for you. My stories are always based on what I experienced. Very recently a mother came to me with her daughter, she said to me, “Tell my daughter the story of the garden.” This greatly surprised me because I had not thought of that story for a long time, and most of a year had passed since I told it to the mother. So, I began:r

The season of renewal is finally here and with it comes an invitation to awaken to life. Note the blue skies, the sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming. What an enchanting time to be alive. The possibilities are countless.

What is an affair? What constitutes cheating? Infidelity? These are very personal definitions. Most people have their own version of what constitutes what. Here is a definition I have adapted from experts in the field that works well: An affair involves one of the partner’s passion being directed at someone or something other than their partner that often includes secrecy.

One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation (book referenced above). Words of affirmation come in many forms including praise, acknowledgement, credit, recognition, validation, compliments, and appreciation. Each of these are a gift in and of themselves. When you use these, you show your partner that you notice and see them, appreciate them, like and accept them, that you are proud of them, that you cherish them, that you understand and get them.

Many of us do not understand the importance of having emotional “boundaries” in our interpersonal relationships. Many of us do not even understand what the term “boundaries” means in that context. And many of us do not even know whether the emotional boundaries in our life are healthy or not. This concept was foreign to me for the first forty years of my life. When a therapist explained to me that the problems I was experiencing stemmed from undefined emotional boundaries, I

Are you in a relationship with an addict? Have your attempts at helping that person failed? Do you feel powerless? Codependency is a term used when one person develops unhealthy patterns due to the involvement with another person who has the disease of addiction. Some of the negative patterns that develop include enabling, denial, low self-esteem, and control issues. While these patterns don't happen ove ight, most people who live with an addict for a sustained period of time, eventually fall into some of these behaviors.

Honor your Self. What does that mean? In my book, it means getting in touch with our Core, True, Authentic Self, our Soul, and operating from it in all we do.

When we are in a vulnerable place, triggered, overextended, overwhelmed, stressed, hormonal, whatever, we function from a less than resourceful state and therefore can very easily fall prey to negative thinking, victimization, sabotaging, undermining, deprecating, blaming, abuse, neglect, and rejection of self and others. When in this state we cannot see the good, the beautiful, and what is working. We only focus on the bad, inviting more bad...

Break the Rules Preventing an Awesome Relationshipr Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships. I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship. There are three steps to this process: 1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)

The idea of detachment mesmerized me when I heard about it in Al-Anon. To let go of the ones you love seemed unloving and uncaring and certainly not Christian. But it also seemed to be the NIRVANA you could reach even while living with an alcoholic. I detached from my alcoholic father by leaving home. And then detached from my first alcoholic husband by divorcing him, but as I was stuck in my second marriage wondering how in the heck I did this AGAIN, I truly got it.

We all have dreams, wishes and goals. There are things we want for ourselves, our partner, our family. Sometimes though we find that it is difficult, if not impossible, to make our wish a reality. We may want to start a new business, go back to school, learn a new trade, pick up a new hobby or project, throw a party, have the house a certain way, keep fit, enroll in activities with our children, have more intimate and fun moments with our partner, having another child, etc. But life gets in the way and we just dream about these and never see them materialize.

How can he be so selfish? He can clearly see how much pains he's causing - why doesn't he care? I can't take the stress any longer. He's destroying all of our dreams. Our lives have become Hell. Isn't he tired of living this way? These are the typical thoughts that run through your mind when you love an addict. You can't understand why he continues on such a destructive path. Why does he make so many bad choices? Why does he cause so much pain to his family and loved ones?

I have noticed that when we have the foot to the pedal, we are moving so fast that we actually miss the beautiful scenery around us. We go about life trying to get things accomplished to such an extent that we burn ourselves out and end up actually accomplishing less... So, what's the point?

You have to be happy with yourself first… You cannot be happy in your relationship if you are not first happy with your Self… If you are not your Authentic Self, your Soul Self, you are just a robot completing daily tasks and missing the whole point of life… This is not Living… What is the purpose of your Life? Why are you alive, today, right now?

I often find that couples hold a fairy tale expectation of happily ever after, for which I chide them. I dismiss this notion not because it seems unrealistic, but because couples go about creating their fairy tale all wrong. For you see, “happy endings” are possible… This is called unconditional Love…

Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true "treasure chest" worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!! To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the "gems on the rough" - the hidden treasures. Hidden Treasure #1 - Potential to Heal:

Money. Money is a hot topic in many relationships as there are intense emotions attached to money as well as a range of meaning around it. Partners have different ideas about the importance of money, what it means to them, its purpose, its role, how to manage it, and even how to earn it! Couples are made up of two individuals that have different backgrounds, exposure, experience and relationship with money. Their parents had different relationships with money and gave them different messages around money. Partners form different patterns and habits in their management of money.

When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.

Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with an addict and not get sucked into enabling behavior. When somebody you love is suffering with an illness or a disease you naturally want to help. As a result, loved ones often step in to save the addict from the devastating consequences of their actions.

There is a tendency towards passiveness in our relationship as time passes. Couples get comfortable in their routine, whether it is an efficient and satisfying routine or not, and lax in their relating, whether they are on the same page or not. They settle into whatever relating they have developed and stick with it, becoming more and more passive in their efforts to keep passion, interest, mystery, and seduction alive.

Anger is a poison in our relationship when it is misunderstood and unleashed. It gets in the way of understanding, connectedness, intimacy, love, and satisfaction in our relationship. Anger in its explosive or simmering manifestation, is a sign that something is wrong when it is prevalent. This indicates that there is pain and dysfunction in the relationship and that something needs to change.

The majority of the couples that want to improve their relationship identify that communication is an issue for them. They share how they can’t see eye-to-eye, convey their feelings and perspective, or understand each other. They report they end up fighting every time they try to address something not being able to resolve disagreements or being delayed in making decisions because they can’t get on the same page with their partner.

Fun is important in our relationship. Having fun releases different chemicals in the brain that engender good feelings which get then associated with our partner. This is a good thing. Having fun with our partner should be a priority in our relationship. We can get huge returns on this investment! It is difficult at times to remember to have fun a sad state of affairs but very common. Couples get stuck in their routines and getting through their days managing their responsibilities as best they can that they consume all their energy and resources leaving little for the couple itself.

Is Codependency a Problem in Your Life and in Your Relationships? Take the Quiz To find out if codependency is a problem in your life, please answer yes or no to the following twenty questions: Do you put others’ feelings, desires and needs before your own? Are you drawn to relationships with people who lack stability and/or are irresponsible in a particular area of their lives? Do you have a compulsive need to help, nurture, fix or control others? Are you always looking fo

I read a while ago, and found it applicable to many areas of our life, that we can handle as much as the span of your wings. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that God, the Universe, doesn’t bestow (good or bad) onto you more than you can handle? We can use this concept well in our growth, healing and thriving Journey.

Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true treasure chest worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!! To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the gems on the rough, the hidden treasures. Hidden Treasure #1 – Potential to Heal:

I thought if I played by the rules and did everything the way THEY said I should like a good little Catholic girl, I’d feel safe. I’d grow up, get married and have lots of kids like my Mom and live happily ever after. Why would I even think that since Mom wasn’t living happily ever after? I swore I would never marry a guy like Daddy – a raging alcoholic. But I did.

Do you know when you get on your partner’s nerves? There is a general underlying theme to the complaints couples usually share and that is that their partner is being egocentric. Egocentrism gets in the way of witnessing our partner’s beauty, gifts and contributions. It keeps us trapped in our mind’s machinations and delusions keeping us from Being our Authentic Self. Egocentrism prevents us from connecting with our partner and from having the relationship we want.

One characteristic satisfied and successful couples have in common is that they are part of each other’s lives. Duh-ah! I’m sure this does not come as a surprise. The trick though is how the partners are part of each other’s lives.

Years ago I sat in a supervision group with a group of collages in which we discussed various cases. We were all new at this counseling thing, and frequently brought our “worst” cases to the group for any sort of help we could get. One particular day someone brought up a couple they were counseling, and reported they were at a horrible impasse. The therapist had tried communication skills, Cognitive Restructuring, Family Sculpting……. I think you get the idea. The couple just