Codependency Articles

The season of renewal is finally here and with it comes an invitation to awaken to life. Note the blue skies, the sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming. What an enchanting time to be alive. The possibilities are countless.

What is an affair? What constitutes cheating? Infidelity? These are very personal definitions. Most people have their own version of what constitutes what. Here is a definition I have adapted from experts in the field that works well: An affair involves one of the partner’s passion being directed at someone or something other than their partner that often includes secrecy.

One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation (book referenced above). Words of affirmation come in many forms including praise, acknowledgement, credit, recognition, validation, compliments, and appreciation. Each of these are a gift in and of themselves. When you use these, you show your partner that you notice and see them, appreciate them, like and accept them, that you are proud of them, that you cherish them, that you understand and get them.

Many of us do not understand the importance of having emotional “boundaries” in our interpersonal relationships. Many of us do not even understand what the term “boundaries” means in that context. And many of us do not even know whether the emotional boundaries in our life are healthy or not. This concept was foreign to me for the first forty years of my life. When a therapist explained to me that the problems I was experiencing stemmed from undefined emotional boundaries, I

Are you in a relationship with an addict? Have your attempts at helping that person failed? Do you feel powerless? Codependency is a term used when one person develops unhealthy patterns due to the involvement with another person who has the disease of addiction. Some of the negative patterns that develop include enabling, denial, low self-esteem, and control issues. While these patterns don't happen ove ight, most people who live with an addict for a sustained period of time, eventually fall into some of these behaviors.

Honor your Self. What does that mean? In my book, it means getting in touch with our Core, True, Authentic Self, our Soul, and operating from it in all we do.

When we are in a vulnerable place, triggered, overextended, overwhelmed, stressed, hormonal, whatever, we function from a less than resourceful state and therefore can very easily fall prey to negative thinking, victimization, sabotaging, undermining, deprecating, blaming, abuse, neglect, and rejection of self and others. When in this state we cannot see the good, the beautiful, and what is working. We only focus on the bad, inviting more bad...

Break the Rules Preventing an Awesome Relationshipr Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships. I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship. There are three steps to this process: 1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)

The idea of detachment mesmerized me when I heard about it in Al-Anon. To let go of the ones you love seemed unloving and uncaring and certainly not Christian. But it also seemed to be the NIRVANA you could reach even while living with an alcoholic. I detached from my alcoholic father by leaving home. And then detached from my first alcoholic husband by divorcing him, but as I was stuck in my second marriage wondering how in the heck I did this AGAIN, I truly got it.

We all have dreams, wishes and goals. There are things we want for ourselves, our partner, our family. Sometimes though we find that it is difficult, if not impossible, to make our wish a reality. We may want to start a new business, go back to school, learn a new trade, pick up a new hobby or project, throw a party, have the house a certain way, keep fit, enroll in activities with our children, have more intimate and fun moments with our partner, having another child, etc. But life gets in the way and we just dream about these and never see them materialize.

How can he be so selfish? He can clearly see how much pains he's causing - why doesn't he care? I can't take the stress any longer. He's destroying all of our dreams. Our lives have become Hell. Isn't he tired of living this way? These are the typical thoughts that run through your mind when you love an addict. You can't understand why he continues on such a destructive path. Why does he make so many bad choices? Why does he cause so much pain to his family and loved ones?

I have noticed that when we have the foot to the pedal, we are moving so fast that we actually miss the beautiful scenery around us. We go about life trying to get things accomplished to such an extent that we burn ourselves out and end up actually accomplishing less... So, what's the point?

You have to be happy with yourself first… You cannot be happy in your relationship if you are not first happy with your Self… If you are not your Authentic Self, your Soul Self, you are just a robot completing daily tasks and missing the whole point of life… This is not Living… What is the purpose of your Life? Why are you alive, today, right now?

I often find that couples hold a fairy tale expectation of happily ever after, for which I chide them. I dismiss this notion not because it seems unrealistic, but because couples go about creating their fairy tale all wrong. For you see, “happy endings” are possible… This is called unconditional Love…

Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true "treasure chest" worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!! To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the "gems on the rough" - the hidden treasures. Hidden Treasure #1 - Potential to Heal:

Money. Money is a hot topic in many relationships as there are intense emotions attached to money as well as a range of meaning around it. Partners have different ideas about the importance of money, what it means to them, its purpose, its role, how to manage it, and even how to earn it! Couples are made up of two individuals that have different backgrounds, exposure, experience and relationship with money. Their parents had different relationships with money and gave them different messages around money. Partners form different patterns and habits in their management of money.

When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.

Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with an addict and not get sucked into enabling behavior. When somebody you love is suffering with an illness or a disease you naturally want to help. As a result, loved ones often step in to save the addict from the devastating consequences of their actions.

There is a tendency towards passiveness in our relationship as time passes. Couples get comfortable in their routine, whether it is an efficient and satisfying routine or not, and lax in their relating, whether they are on the same page or not. They settle into whatever relating they have developed and stick with it, becoming more and more passive in their efforts to keep passion, interest, mystery, and seduction alive.

Anger is a poison in our relationship when it is misunderstood and unleashed. It gets in the way of understanding, connectedness, intimacy, love, and satisfaction in our relationship. Anger in its explosive or simmering manifestation, is a sign that something is wrong when it is prevalent. This indicates that there is pain and dysfunction in the relationship and that something needs to change.

The majority of the couples that want to improve their relationship identify that communication is an issue for them. They share how they can’t see eye-to-eye, convey their feelings and perspective, or understand each other. They report they end up fighting every time they try to address something not being able to resolve disagreements or being delayed in making decisions because they can’t get on the same page with their partner.

Fun is important in our relationship. Having fun releases different chemicals in the brain that engender good feelings which get then associated with our partner. This is a good thing. Having fun with our partner should be a priority in our relationship. We can get huge returns on this investment! It is difficult at times to remember to have fun a sad state of affairs but very common. Couples get stuck in their routines and getting through their days managing their responsibilities as best they can that they consume all their energy and resources leaving little for the couple itself.

Is Codependency a Problem in Your Life and in Your Relationships? Take the Quiz To find out if codependency is a problem in your life, please answer yes or no to the following twenty questions: Do you put others’ feelings, desires and needs before your own? Are you drawn to relationships with people who lack stability and/or are irresponsible in a particular area of their lives? Do you have a compulsive need to help, nurture, fix or control others? Are you always looking fo

I read a while ago, and found it applicable to many areas of our life, that we can handle as much as the span of your wings. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that God, the Universe, doesn’t bestow (good or bad) onto you more than you can handle? We can use this concept well in our growth, healing and thriving Journey.

Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true treasure chest worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!! To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the gems on the rough, the hidden treasures. Hidden Treasure #1 – Potential to Heal:

I thought if I played by the rules and did everything the way THEY said I should like a good little Catholic girl, I’d feel safe. I’d grow up, get married and have lots of kids like my Mom and live happily ever after. Why would I even think that since Mom wasn’t living happily ever after? I swore I would never marry a guy like Daddy – a raging alcoholic. But I did.

Do you know when you get on your partner’s nerves? There is a general underlying theme to the complaints couples usually share and that is that their partner is being egocentric. Egocentrism gets in the way of witnessing our partner’s beauty, gifts and contributions. It keeps us trapped in our mind’s machinations and delusions keeping us from Being our Authentic Self. Egocentrism prevents us from connecting with our partner and from having the relationship we want.

One characteristic satisfied and successful couples have in common is that they are part of each other’s lives. Duh-ah! I’m sure this does not come as a surprise. The trick though is how the partners are part of each other’s lives.

Years ago I sat in a supervision group with a group of collages in which we discussed various cases. We were all new at this counseling thing, and frequently brought our “worst” cases to the group for any sort of help we could get. One particular day someone brought up a couple they were counseling, and reported they were at a horrible impasse. The therapist had tried communication skills, Cognitive Restructuring, Family Sculpting……. I think you get the idea. The couple just

You might not have a chance if you keep this up: A tendency to look for weaknesses, gaps, holes, things to improve, deficiencies and the like, and miss the boat on capitalizing on strengths in your relationship. We bring this tendency to how we view our partner and how we relate with them. We look for their shortcomings, what they forget to do, what they could do better, and what else they can do for us. We use a lack and negative expectations lens. We filter our experience to prove our negative expectations. We expect our partner to fail before they even try.

Are You Showing Up in Your Relationship these Holidays? The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.

It is very painful to experience betrayal in our relationships. I am primarily referring to betrayal by loved ones. This is the most painful betrayal. Betrayal may happen in many different forms and can be experienced by anyone at anytime during their life timernr

Often times partners share their wondering about how exclusivity, monogamy, and fidelity is possible in a longterm relationship. It is usually the male partners who pose this question when their female counterpart is not present.

The problem of relapse remains the major challenge in recovery. Because addiction alters the brain, the recovering addict may deal with drug-related memories, strong drug cravings, and diminished impulse control. This leaves them vulnerable to relapse even years after being abstinent.

It’s very interesting to me to watch couples struggle and go around and around… I find that this happens with the ones where partners refuse to take ownership of their own contribution to their relationship’s status quo and are fixated with having their partner change… These are the partners that also are waiting for the magic pill and for me to fix their partner. I have a bit of news for these partners – it ain’t gonna happen!

After the infatuation and dating stage, fun and romance doesn’t just happen in relationships. Great committed relationships don’t just happen. We have to put in conscious effort to create the relationship we want. Here are some tips for creating and enhancing your intimacy, romance, passion and fun with your partner: 1) Make time for each other and for having quality time together. Pick a time of day that is just for the two of you. 2) Stay connected through out the day by sending each other inspiring, funny, cute, loving or sexy emails, cartoons, cards, notes, etc.

Being parented by imperfect parents/caregivers is considered a traumatic experience of childhood in some of the trauma and attachment literature and information I have come across. This includes being abused, abandoned and/or neglected to various degrees.

Often times couples get so hang up in the business of running their life, attending to their family and other responsibilities, and working that being together, enjoying each other and having fun falls to the way side. This creates a terrible state of affairs where after a while couples forget how to have fun together … Too often I hear couples question whether they still have anything in common or if they ever did, wonder how to rebuild that into their relationship, and struggling with it once they do.

One would think that connecting with our partner is an easy feat. After all they are the one person we are supposed to be the most intimate with. This is most often not the case and we are actually not that intimate. I find that couples have a very difficult time connecting, feeling connected and staying connected, and their efforts at connecting sometimes create even more distance between them. It doesn’t have to be this way. First, we need to become aware of some of the ways we sabotage our attempts to connect and set ourselves up to be disconnected: 1. Being too busyr

Most relationships have to endure a history of trauma experienced by one or both partners and a current trauma(s). Traumas include abandonment, neglect, abuse, rejection, control, accidents, assaults/attacks, catastrophes, infidelity, infertility, loss, relocation, birthing and becoming parents, substance abuse, chronic illness, eating disorders, depression, extreme emotionality, obsessions, PTSD, unemployment, disability. Some of these are symptoms of a past trauma, but when experienced in the present they create a current trauma to the relationship.

When we think of codependence we think of it in terms of its association with substance dependence. We think of a partner who is codependent with a substance dependent partner. But this is not the case. Codependence can be a condition and state of being and dealing with life all on its own.

What is the Fun Quotient in your relationship? Couples have the tendency to become complacent in their relationship including the fun aspect of their relating. This is traumatic to the relationship as it stifles its energy flow creating a numb, stuck and disconnect feel and dissatisfied partners.

There is no better way to create wonderful memories and meaning in one’s relationship than with rituals. Rituals are a special way to show love, appreciation and importance for the partners throughout time in the life of the relationship. Relationships are made up of interactions between two partners which can be negative or positive. Their repetition provide the overall feel of the relationship. Rituals collaborate with this process.

So your loved one finally accepts treatment. A wave of relief washes over the family. There is a glimmer of hope for a future free of the chaos. But the battle isn't over. Treatment is just the beginning. There is no cure for addiction. a good treatment program teaches the addict how to avoid the pitfalls of relapse, but it can not eliminate the cravings to use.

One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding), they feel they are behind their peers in terms of professional and relational achievements, and can’t seem to synchronize on handling the business of creating a joint life and getting their needs met. In these couples the partners show up in two ways:

Cultivate Your Intimacy!

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BEGIN LIFE ANEW by Mary-Glen Scot. (Unpublished as of 4-13-05) 1496 words) Perhaps you may have recently suffered the tragedy of a sudden death of a loved one or you may have lost your home and all of your material possessions. Possibly even a combination of all of these sad events. You may feel you have no way out of your misery ¡ª no bridges to cross, no angels to carry you safely out of that pit of despair? I am able to empathize with you for I lost

Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wreaking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable. The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!