Compliment Or Slap In The Face?

INSIDE/NAKED RELATIONSHIPS
BY JAN DENISE
RELEASE: FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2007

Compliment Or Slap In The Face?

(SET ITAL) Dear Jan: I am looking for some insight. I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a public event in an art gallery. We talked for 30 minutes and really seemed to hit it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.
I commented that she had a "nice, full, hourglass figure." I thought she would take it as a compliment. Instead, she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really … well perhaps I should do some plus-size modeling!" and then she slapped my face and walked off in a huff.
I will never forget the immediate aftermath … the sound of her high heels hitting the hard wood floor … the murmur of the crowd … and the stares, as I'm standing there alone rubbing my cheek.
She had the classic figure of a 50's pinup—large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I thought it meant shapely and well-proportioned.
When I told a friend, she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think? (END ITAL)
I believe in complete honesty and openness in relationships. I don't believe in filtering -- except through love -- what we want to say. When you're not sure if your thoughts and feelings are coming from love, you can simply ask, "Am I coming from love or fear here?"
They're both easy to recognize. Love is the source of everything "good": truth, beauty, peace, oneness, compassion, faith and abundance. Fear is the source of defensiveness, blame, anger, lies, inferiority, superiority, doubt and scarcity ... everything "bad."
Love is also a verb, or an action. And it is always guided by knowledge; it takes the time to know people. It reaches them where they are, and it acts unconditionally.
That said, some would argue that you didn't know the woman well enough to compliment her figure. Some would argue that comments about a woman's figure are simply to be avoided.
I think a compliment that comes from love -- meaning that it's honest and looks for nothing in return -- is indeed a compliment. And compliments are best when they are expressed out loud.
Most women, and maybe some men who have regretted their choice of words, can see how a woman might be offended with the "full" part of your compliment -- even with the word "nice" in front of it. Both "full" and "nice" can be a nice way of saying something women aren't expected to find flattering. Some women might even construe "hourglass" in that context to be too round. My connotation is similar to yours.
Let's get to the core of the issue, though. You made a comment, one you considered to be a compliment, about the woman's figure. She was offended by it, slapped you and walked off.
She wasn't coming from love. She was defensive and angry -- we could even say physically abusive (had you slapped her, somebody may have called security).
If the woman had a positive opinion of her figure, she may very well have taken your comment as a compliment. More importantly, she wouldn't have been offended by your having a different, or even a negative, opinion of her figure.
"You have nice long legs," to a woman who thinks she has sexy legs, is a compliment. But it might be a source of pain to a woman with the same figure if she was teased about her lanky legs and is still self-conscious about them. And, if she wanted to escape the pain and feel anger instead, she might slap you!
Once a woman learns to love herself -- all of her -- a man can make the kind of observation you made without anybody getting a slap in the face.
Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in Ormond by the Sea, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her Web site at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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