Angry At Spouse All The Time: Anger Management In Marriage Relationship

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, it's perfectly healthy to feel angry when you've been mistreated or wronged by someone you love, but when it becomes consistent or explosive anger or spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your marriage, your health, and your state of mind.

If you are the hot tempered one in your relationship, you may feel like it's out of your hands, it's your nature and there's little you can do about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you learn WHY you or your spouse keep it, you can then look at different ways to address it. This is what I will share with you today, so you can save your marriage and prevent divorce.

Why Anger Exists and Persists in Marriage - Marriage Counseling

1. TO PUNISH AND MAKE THINGS FAIR

People keep anger to punish someone, either with their bad attitude or anger led actions, and in doing so they get to feel like life is fairer. The angry mindset is "If they did something bad to me, it is unfair if they don't get to be punished" But if you punish someone with your anger or your bad attitude you are just creating more punishment for yourself, as it doesn't feel good to act un-lovingly or be spiteful. Guilt often follows angry outbursts and guilt is a horrible feeling.

Key to remember is that not our role to create punishment for others especially our spouses, that anger doesn't make things fair...

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2. TO TEACH THEM LESSON, SO THEY DON'T DO IT AGAIN

The second reason many people carry anger is they want to teach their spouse a lesson, so they don't do it again. A form of retaliation to the behavior they did in an effort to prevent the same thing happening. The problem with this approach is that it doesn't work.

If you look at your own life, let's say you do something you're not proud of or happy about and you get angry at yourself and guilt yourself about it, you may feel terrible inside but nothing changes does it?
Let's say you eat too much fried or sugary food, over spend, drink too much at a party or do something else you don't like. Getting angry at yourself doesn't help you, it makes you feel worse, which in turn can lead you to indulge in more unhealthy behaviors. If you truly want to change you need positive motivators for lasting results, not guilt or anger and find a replacement for habits and dealing with anger. That's how you change behavior. The same applies to your marriage. Getting angry is not going to help them change and it is certainly not going to help your marriage.

If you are kind and compassionate towards your spouse you have a far greater chance of influencing them than being angry and they are less likely to turn it around on you. Next time someone hurts you show them compassion and explain the impact on you and your feelings, you will be far more effective in changing behavior.

3. GET WHAT THEY WANT

Another reason we get angry in relationships is because of the FALSE belief that if we get angry we will get what we want. The mindset is "if I get angry, they will do what I want them to" or "if I scare them they will back down" This is using anger as a form of manipulation, to get something which does not help save your marriage, it causes hostility, heartache and pain.

We tend to learn this from our role models growing up, parents, teachers and other elders we look up to, often have at some point got angry at us so we behaved and did what they wanted us to do. This is a disaster for marriage, true power doesn't come from bullying, it comes from positive influencing otherwise all you will succeed in getting is a lack of respect and potentially love.
It is far more beneficial to be kind and compassionate to get what you want, as that creates a greater willingness to listen and accommodate.

4. TO AVOID BLAME, FAULT AND DEFLECT

Another way damaging way angry silence or outbursts can be used in marriage is to deflect away from the issue being raised. In my marriage counseling sessions this comes up a lot, where one person raises a complaint about something they would like changed and instead of being listened too, their partner turns it around on them and blames them, either for the way they said it or makes the attacking accusations back. Anger to avoid, deflect or blame will not save a marriage, it will crush it as no one will ever get to be heard. It can help to sit down and agree with your spouse the difference between what is retaliation and what is standing up for yourself, the latter should never hurt the person and retaliation does.

You may be wondering how can this help me with my marriage, well if you both learn to Recognize the root of your anger, show Remorse and make attempts to Repair the damage your be well on your way to save your marriage, recognizing where it comes from and why it is the first key step to change. The next steps are looking at ways to cool down, spotting and changing the triggers and tips to stop it in the moment, which I will cover later.

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Saving Marriage

Most couples experience marital difficulties periodically - this is par for the course. There is however a sizable group who are unable to resolve their difficulties without assistance.

In our practice as relationship counselors we constantly come across couples with problems who have sought or accepted help from parents, or well intentioned friends, in the hope that implementing their advice will provide them with the means to saving their marriage. - In our experience this is a recipe for disaster. We always advise couples to be very wary about involving parents, friends and close relatives in their marital problems.

It is very rare that any of the above can express their opinions or offer advice without a degree of bias. The upshot of this is that their involvement often only serves to make a bad relationship even worse.

The other point to consider is that it can be extremely upsetting for elderly parents to learn that an adult child's marital relationship is in trouble.

Our advice is - if you need help to sort out your marital difficulties, always seek the advice of someone who is independent and experienced in this field.

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What makes a successful marriage?

Luck or love doesn't always play a part in a successful marriage. Many successful marital relationships are built on commitment or companionship (some call them marriages of convenience).

I'm sure that most readers will be aware of couples (particularly older ones) who are simply in the relationship because they want a companion rather than a lover.

Marriages that are commitment based are those that exist for moral, personal, religious or structural reasons. These marriages in our experience can, and often are, happy and very successful.

Unhappy marriages

Many couples find the settling in period after marriage to be quite traumatic and for many a time of unhappiness as they come to the realization that they are now sharing their life with another person who has different standards, opinions and habits from them.

However it is important for couples to understand that this period is not necessarily a predictor of things to come. In our practice, and in research conducted in the United States, the strong evidence is that 86% of couples who had initial prolonged periods of unhappiness worked their way out of it and went on to live happy and fulfilling lives together.

It is a fact that there are very few marital problems that cannot be resolved given good will all round. It is often a matter of honest communication and commitment to making your marriage work.

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Is your marriage in trouble? Maybe you are facing a separation or divorce right now. Has your spouse told you that he or she no longer loves you? Would you believe me if I told you that you have about a 90% chance of saving your marriage and winning back the love of your spouse? It may sound hard to believe, when everything else has failed you but I want to share some very valuable information with you.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

What typically happens when a marriage is in trouble? Often times the couple will attend counseling in an effort to turn things around. The problem with traditional marriage counseling though is that it works from a faulty model. Most of these "marriage counselors" are trained in individual therapy and simply chose to branch out to couples counseling because it helps them grow their practice. They are good and well intentioned people, but most don't know the first thing about what it takes to save a marriage. In fact the success rate of traditional marriage counseling is only about 20%! It's no wonder our divorce rate is so high!

Imagine instead if you had access to a step by step approach where the sole focus was not on the individuals, but the marriage itself! This approach has been time tested over the last 15 years, has been used successfully on over 60,000 couples and works even when one partner initially wasn't interested in saving the marriage! Sound like something you might want to take a look at?

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It's natural to enter a long-term relationship with expectations. And one expectation most of us have is that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. Although wedding vows ask us to consider the possibility of sickness, we don't automatically assume our loved ones will suffer a serious illness.

"I felt blindsided by the diagnosis. So much of our relationship changed from that point on. There's no way to prepare for it because you never think it's going to happen to you. It felt like it came out of nowhere." ~Jennifer, whose husband Dan was diagnosed with leukemia at age 37

When Illness Hits Home

The reality is that many couples must learn to cope and adjust to a life-altering illness. Understanding the impact this can have on your relationship can help you adjust and adapt to such an enormous challenge.

Let's look at some of the ways in which a serious illness can impact you and your marriage/relationship:

1. Coping with a Sense of Loss

Depending on the nature of the illness, the sick partner may change in subtle and, sometimes, profound ways. The relationship that you once relied upon may no longer feel accessible to you.

Adjusting to such a major change can take time, and you may find yourself struggling with feelings of anger, despair and depression. It's common to feel anger toward the person who has the illness (which then may cause you to feel guilty). This is all part of grieving the loss of what once was the foundation of your relationship and life.

2. The Impact of Shifting Roles

We all play different roles in our relationships. And very often we end up with someone whose preferred role complements our own. For instance, someone who is timid and insecure may find him/herself with a partner who exudes confidence; someone who is highly emotional and spontaneous might be drawn to a more rational-minded planner; the natural caregiver may feel most at home with a partner who longs for this type of attention; and so on.

An illness can abruptly alter these roles and tip the balance that once grounded your relationship. The confident, take-charge person may now find him/herself in an overly dependent position; the rational-minded planner may have to relinquish control; and the caregiver may now need to be cared for. Such changes can rock the foundation of your union by forcing you to assume roles that are alien to what you've known most of your life.

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3. Coping with Uncertainty

We all like to believe we're in control of our lives. When faced with a significant illness, however, the idea of absolute control is revealed as an illusion. Questions you never before considered now become routine: Is s/he going to be OK? What's going to happen to us? What should I do?

And when an illness interferes with one's ability to work, financial uncertainty can now take center stage-fear and anxiety are common as the once secure areas of your life give way to uncertainty.

4. Letting Go of Guilt

Sam began feeling guilty when he finally started spending time with friends and found himself enjoying time away from his wife more than a year and a half after she became ill. During his wife's rehabilitation, Sam rarely did anything for himself. As he described, "I had to come to grips with the fact that she's sick and I'm healthy. This wasn't easy. She's slowed down considerably and I felt bad because I've always been so full of life."

Sam continues to care for his wife when needed, but he has also begun taking care of himself. For a period of time, guilt-inducing thoughts flooded his mind ("How dare you have fun while your wife's sick?"; "You should be home with her"), but Sam was slowly able to realize that his guilt served no useful purpose. With the support of his minister, Sam was able to let go of his guilt as he began embracing life again.

5. Understanding the sick partner's emotional reactions

The person struggling with a serious illness is on an emotional rollercoaster. In one moment s/he may be grateful for your help and a moment later s/he may seem to act irrationally, no longer able to keep the fear, anger and despair in check. At times you may end up feeling berated, blamed, pushed away, and marginalized-despite your best efforts to comfort your partner. It's difficult not to take this personally. For your own sanity, it will be important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner's reactions and you will need to repeatedly remind yourself of this truth.

Remember that the partner struggling with the illness is adjusting to this traumatic life change and is trying to cope with fear and uncertainty. S/he may not even realize the impact his/her behavior is having on others, including his/her healthy partner. It's important for you to seek ways to understand your partner's unpredictable, tumultuous reactions; and it is just as important that you protect yourself from any emotional onslaughts directed at you.

The impact of a significant illness can have a dramatic and unexpected impact on your marriage or relationship. Some couples report that their relationship has become stronger because of an illness, whereas others continue to stumble under considerable stress. Having an understanding of the different ways in which an illness can impact you, your partner and your relationship is an important step in adapting to these painful events.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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