Bored and Lonely In My Marriage: I Am So Lonely In My Marriage

What does it mean to be a married single? These are married people who do not feel a close emotional connection with their partner. These couples generally handle the day to day tasks like earning a living, handling finances, raising children, rather well but they have lost the spark they shared earlier in life with each other. The change in their relationship came about gradually. There are things they can do to rekindle the wonderful feelings of connectedness.

1. Shift your thinking

Married singles have gotten in the habit of thinking primarily of their own emotional needs and wants. In the early days of their relationship they focused much of their loving energy on their partner. Gradually they experienced a shift. It is understandable that people who are stressed by the demands of home and work can feel so depleted that they have little energy left for nurturing their relationship.

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2.The key is to think in terms of I and You

Each person in the relationship has to take responsibility for him/herself and care about how their individual actions affect the partnership.

3. I and You equals WE

In order to make sure that the WE is preserved each partner has to learn to think in two dimensions: take responsibility for self and care about strengthening the relationship. It is not enough to have one person be OK rather both have to be OK. Then together they have to make sure that their relationship is such that it works well for both of them.

4. Rekindle the LOVE

When thinking in terms of WE -our relationship- you are already strengthening the relationship. Married singles who want to regain closeness have to consciously do things that will be pleasing to their spouse in order to rekindle their love. I would recommend saying to oneself "What do I want" and "How will this affect my relationship". The clearer you are about your own feelings and thinking the easier it will be to communicate them to your spouse. Together you then create your relationship to be such that both of you feel respected and valued as individuals and through words and actions you show that you value the life you are creating together.

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Ike and Annie had been together forever, or so it seemed to everyone who knew them. People commented on how closely connected they were emotionally.

They would say things like, "You are my sun;" and "You are my moon."

Once when Annie's niece had overheard that exchange, she had asked what they meant.

Annie smiled and slipped her arm through Ike's. "It means, Delia, that he's the first thing I think of in the morning."

Ike hugged Annie and added, "And she's the last thing that I think of at night."

Delia, at 12, found this very romantic and sighed dramatically. Ike and Annie laughed and exchanged a quick kiss.

Ron and Petra had been together as long as anyone could remember, although why was frankly unclear to those outside the relationship. Each of them had publicly declared on numerous occasions that they were "independent souls who simply shared an orbit". They did very little together other than share a home. They were heard to say that they were "quite compatible", which seemed to mean that they were comfortable in their separate spheres which rarely intersected.

The earthquake was totally unprecedented. Never in anyone's memory had such an event occurred in this area. The damage was significant but uneven, affecting some people severely and others less. Some people's homes were irreparably damaged; others only had things fall off walls and shelves. Some people were badly hurt, depending mostly on where they happened to be and what they were doing when the quake hit. The loss and damage was unpredictable.

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Ike was in his car when the quake hit. The road convulsed under him and it caused him to swerve off into a ditch. As soon as the car settled itself, he immediately tried to call Annie to find out if she was okay. When she didn't answer right away he had to struggle to keep his anxiety from escalating wildly.

Annie had been home when the quake hit and was terrified but not seriously hurt as things flew off shelves and shattered around her. She'd fled outside and watched in horror as her home actually seemed to shudder. Unfortunately, in her terrified flight she'd neglected to grab her cellphone. Her immediate thought was to call Ike and make sure he was okay. Once things stopped shaking, she ran in and grabbed her phone and called him. When he heard her voice and she reassured him that she was okay, he felt like he could breathe again. When he reassured her that he was bruised but okay, she sank to the ground and felt safe for the first time since the shaking began.

Ron was in his home office when the quake hit. As he slid underneath his desk he grabbed his cellphone and clutched it tightly. Once the shaking stopped and he surfaced, he looked around his study and started mentally calculating the losses in equipment and furnishings. He immediately dialed his cellphone and called his insurance agent, fearing that earthquake damage might never have been included in his policy. The line was busy and his frustration kept mounting. He felt an emptiness as he stood alone in his study but couldn't even figure out what to do with the feeling.

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Petra was in a meeting when the quake hit. The university building was old and, while it had swayed in a sickening fashion for what had seemed a long time, it had sustained little serious damage. Everyone was ushered out of the building in a very orderly way by Security. When Petra was escorted, along with the others, to a parking lot deemed safe, she pulled out her cellphone. She called her secretary and told her to check on whether the rest of the afternoon's meetings had been canceled. She saw the people around her, many of them pale or crying as they answered incoming calls or made outgoing ones. She realized that she felt an odd loneliness as her own phone remained silent.

Every day in mundane ways we construct our relationships. How we live in the ordinary days will determine how we survive through the extraordinary and sometimes difficult days. The relationship that you build each day will be the one you live with in times of challenge, loss, joy, or fear.

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Marriage is akin to porridge. How's that? The similarities are uncanny. They both start off with a lot of heat and boiling. This produces a hardy, substantive and energizing new amalgam. When the oats bond in the steaming water, forming a meaty, hot cereal, there is a parallel to humans mating for life.

My wife taught me to make porridge. She taught me to cook, for that matter. Chicken, steaks, fish, you name it and I can cook it. But I only learned to cook porridge a few weeks ago. My Scottish grandfather would be proud of me.

Porridge by itself is somewhat bland. My wife likes it with brown sugar. I like it with both brown sugar and dried cranberries. I'm thinking of expanding to blueberries or raspberries or even peaches! This includes skim milk, of course.

My point is, our porridge of a marriage can accommodate individual taste. She likes to have an office and manage large teams. I like to stay home and write articles, songs and poetry. She likes to act and I like to reflect. This might seem odd to some but it works for us.

Even when some stress does arise due to our unusual roles, there is always the bond of children and grandchildren to help keep us cemented. Being so interwoven can feel almost scary at times. Finishing each others sentences, sensing each others mood, these emotive signals are visceral in their intensity. Sometimes I wonder if the younger progeny are afraid of bonds this strong, but also are attracted to them

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Pretend you are the oats and your ' almost soul mate' is the boiling water. Maybe their perception is that they are the oats and you are the water! Years later, after you have disappeared into each other, you are both left pondering how it all happened and why.

The mystery is quite profound. One of my heroes is Sir Winston Churchill, with his powerful personality. His wife, Clementine, had an equally forceful individuality, but somehow they blended into a single porridge that helped to save humanity itself. Without her love and advice, Churchill might never have emerged as a hero for his times.

Even when Sir Winston turned seventy and lost an election, Clementine got him moving forward for another twenty years. That is stout porridge!

We attended a Sting concert recently. He sang the song,' Fields of Gold', in such a way that the whole essence of relationship was made clear. We came away from that concert with a refreshed sense of our own unique marriage.

The next morning we ate porridge.

Look for a marriage that allows for a bond like cement. Don't be so fearful of losing yourself in the relationship. Take the plunge!

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This relationship advice for women doesn't actually need much action from the wife's point of view. It's simply some opinions and attitudes from men that I've worked with in the past and what they believe about women and their place in modern society. Before you talk to be as if I'm a chauvinist, I'm not going to say anything like women belong in the kitchen and all that rubbish. I do however think that a lot of the lingering problems to do with sexism are only still present because women let them be a problem. Here are three reasons that we men would prefer our women weak.

1. Because We Are Weak

We guys are as weak as women, if not even more so. We just don't show it. It's actually really obvious and women know it. Our egos for example are a thin veil that protects our pride. As soon as someone shatters it, we feel like our place in society has disappeared.

The only thing that makes things bearable is if the woman is also weak and she makes us feel validated and part of society again. Yes, we rely on the woman to make us value ourselves. She makes us feel valued by making her happy.

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2. Easier To Communicate With

Women are still the better communicators of the 21st century. Nothing has really changed since the 1900's. We men still find it hard to get our feelings across, while women have gotten better at it. There are women who do struggle with the idea, but this isn't as common. There are only varying degrees as to which how easy a woman is to get through to.

Women who are strong tend to erect barriers, making it harder for them to communicate with. This makes it harder for us to communicate with them. Women who have fewer barriers are easier to establish a connection with and thus, easier to form a relationship with. So if you want a man in your life, simply drop your guard a bit.

3. We're Not Needed

This is somewhat related to the first point, but still deserves its own discussion. When women are weak, we guys are generally expected to be there to protect them. This is something primal and will always be there, forever.

We are the providers, the breadwinners and the protectors. As soon as women are strong, there's not much we can do in the form of giving value to women. If she provides for herself financially, emotionally and spiritually, is there really a place for us?

This relationship advice is for women who realize that women have all the power in a relationship. You basically have to let us into your lives not for your sake, but ours. If you want to find a man who will make you happy, first find out what makes him feel happy and validated and if you can give it to him, there's a good chance that he'll also be able to make you feel happy too in the long run.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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