I encompass many roles in my life, I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a career artist, a business woman, a teacher, a friend, a healer and the list goes on and on. These are all great and positive view points of me. Attached are my other beliefs of who I am; I am a victim, an illiterate, physically challenged in my weight, survivor of abuse, a recovered alcoholic, recovering from mental illness and many other negative stigmas. These are a few labels I have put on myself; some on my own accord and some with the aid of other people’s judgments. I have always felt like the outsider, the black sheep, the unworthy one, and the looser. This was what I believed was my standing in my family and my community, gaining little respect regardless of my accomplishments. I really didn’t seem to have anything in common with most people I stood apart from society. My religious beliefs were confused; I couldn’t accept everything I was told to believe in, some scripture was contradicting in nature, leaving me unfulfilled. What am I to believe, who can answer all my questions, who has the answers? This was my state of being, feelings of being lost and alone, feelings of worthless triggering a chip on my shoulder. It was a very slow process, healing all these confused issues and roles that I play in life.
I want to address the roles of a friend and healer in this story, with a sprinkling of spirituality and survivor of abuse. Recently I had a friend dying of cancer; she had been successfully battling her disease for 10 years. Unfortunately her husband had passed away 3 years earlier so she lost her will to fight for her life and was unwilling to try any longer. She made continuous attempts to fight for her life over the 10 year period, with the usual medical treatments, several surgeries and chemo, both leaving her scared emotional and physically. She was a leader and wounded healer, raising money and awareness for cancer research. When she was told that she had 6 months left to live she decided that she needed to get her affairs in order. Her will and finances were of major importance but she also felt she had to get her house and business sorted and organized. She didn’t want her grown children to have the stressful and huge task of sorting out her 45 plus years of collecting, hoarding is another description of her true state of being. She knew that I had just closed down my business and was job hunting, so she offered me some part time employment to help her sort out her mess, we had much in common so I knew the value and the sense of her collection. She stressed that when I found a job to go ahead a take it, she didn’t want to hold me back from my future. It was a huge undertaking, her collection of treasures was piled waist deep through the entire large century home. I would spend time sorting and then we would spend time talking, I knew there was more to her story then she was sharing with me but it wasn’t any of my business unless she wanted to share.
She had many sever ailments that caused her major setbacks over the years not including the cancer, these were all on top of her years of the hoarding disease. I knew that there had to be deep, deep issues, but due to her religious beliefs didn’t approach the subject of spiritual healing. After a few days I noticed that she had a book called “A Course in Miracles” and knew that this book introduced energy healing of cancer through religious context. I asked to borrow her book to read and as I read, each day we would discuss the meaning of the text. She already had an understanding of the intent of the book and we would discuss its intent in conjunction of what I do as a Shaman. I was able to point out things we had in common, this book of healing, her beliefs and myself. We soon shared her true state of being, her feelings of worthlessness and not ever being enough due to childhood abuse. I shared my own traumatic events that we had in common and how I was able to heal the emotional and physical pain. We discussed how these feelings were the primary cause of her illnesses and releasing these would help her to heal as well, it was never too late. She was reluctant to allow herself the gift of healing, I could tell she didn’t feel it her due. I was able to find common ground between us in order to open up our discussion on the Other Worlds. She was concerned about the afterlife where her husband would be waiting and would she be joining him there? She didn’t really share his religion in her heart and felt that this would keep them apart in the afterlife. I tried to reassure her that he is waiting for her when she is ready to join him.
I also expressed my opinion that she didn’t have to leave right now, there was plenty of time to join him later. I offered to do a channeling of her husband for her to hear what he had to say about all of this, she was fearful that he wouldn’t come to her, that he had already left without her. He did come and speak, saying the same chastising words he had always said to her when she dove too deep into her self-destructive thinking. She recognized his words of encouragement; this was the re-assurance she needed to secretly start making her plans.
We spent many hours discussing my issues as well as her own, she confirmed in my heart that the community did have respect for my efforts and accomplishments, and that all I do does have a positive effect on the world. She was very proud of my family and I; how we always stuck together and supported each other. She had a strong appreciation of our family unity. Ironically in HER dying days she reached out to comfort ME while I worked through my life’s dilemmas.
I assisted her in putting together many care parcels from her shop, now closed for a couple of years. I delivered the donated items to several groups who helped the under privileged. She taught me the true nature of authentic-self, no matter the circumstances, never overlook the opportunity to share yourself, share love, share knowledge and share material things. She made me promise to attend her funeral no matter what; she said I had to be there, “You will be the only person I will be able to talk to that day”. She said “please don’t forsake me”, then said, “I know you won’t forsake me you are a Shaman”!
She hung on for an extra 9 months having a joyful summer with her family and spending time with her closest friends. She said she had a couple of really great months and appreciated each and every day that she felt some degree of health. After her passing I drummed for her in the privacy of my home, journeying to the Lower World making sure that she was OK and hadn’t gotten stuck somewhere in between. She came to me and showed me a vision of herself and her husband together enjoying one of their favouite activities, which was motorcycle riding. She then showed me the pair of them getting younger and younger, then a vision of them in their wedding clothes. I remembered that she had mentioned she wanted to get buried in her wedding dress but I wasn’t sure if that was going to come to fruition. When I arrived at the church I was pleasantly surprised to see her memorial card with her wedding picture on the front, in the picture she was in front of the very same church wearing her bridal gown. I was comforted in knowing that while everyone else was invited to a funeral I had a private invitation to a wedding.
She came to me in the church and was pleased to see me there; she knew my feelings about churches and my confusion as to what to think. She made some comment about the priest, one I had heard her say once before, it made my chuckle. As everyone in the church watched a funeral I watched a re-enactment of her and her husbands wedding day. I was the witness to the renewal of their vows and it was a joyful scene to watch, it was the most beautiful funeral/wedding I had ever seen. I realized that our conversations had started a plan of action, she was a very detailed person, loved to put on a show and to have fun. With a knowing that she and her husband would definitely be re-united, she would do it right with ceremony.
I sat in the church waiting for everything to be over, squirming and shuffling in my seat, wishing I didn’t have to be in this place. I remembered a past life event of being hung on a cross for my beliefs, of loosing faith in humanity, in community and in family. It was a family member of the time, who had given me up to the cross. As I sat there thinking negative thoughts about the church and its teachings, and its hypocrisy, I wanted to run. Suddenly I heard Spirit speak to me saying, “Overlook the egos of mankind and remember the intent”. I knew exactly what that statement meant, I was to remember what the intention of churches were, they were intended to bring people closer to spirit, to heal, to find courage and strength. I sat there and slowly shook my head from side to side realizing that my confusion of what to believe had been lifted. I had to believe in the Spirit of the church, not what man has tried to turn it into. I found a commonality of spiritual healing within the church, as the healing white light filled my body and surrounded me on all sides. I found support from a dying friend who also needed my support. I had the realization that if I hadn’t allowed myself to be accountable to my friends’ request of being at the funeral for her, I would never have had this enlightening experience. I wouldn’t have found my authentic forgiving self and I let go of my negative attitudes and feelings of being “Not Enough”. I had regained my self-esteem of being an equal, of being someone others can depend on including depending on myself.

Author's Bio: 

Gayle Crosmaz-Brown a Shamaness Healer/Teacher of Higher Consciousness: has been working helping others to heal the emotional, spiritual and physical for over 30 years. Through energy work, hypnosis, drum meditation and counseling Gayle empowers her clients to self-heal.